How do you call twins - both at the same time?
Why was it only $2 for the pirate to get both his ears pierced?
He got the buccaneer special
I went to a wedding the other day both the bride and groom were Wi-Fi technicians
And let me tell you the reception was great!
Breaking a person's right arm and legs, is violating the person's liberty both rightfully and legally.
What do you call the longest side of a large endangered mammal at ease both on land and in rivers?
I just read that California leads the United States in both depression rates and cases of infidelity
Talk about a sad state of affairs
Did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 both equal the same number?
10 + 10 = Twenty
and
11 + 11 = Twenty, too.
Catastrophy was averted yesterday for famous duo circus act Rocket Randy and his mule. The moment before Randy was to be shot out of a cannon, in a separate act, his mule climbed into the cannon backwards. Both were rushed to the hospital and
It took 4 hours for surgeons to remove Randy's head from his ass.
What do you call a camel that looks the same from both directions ?
What do you call a doctor who is both alive and dead at the same time?
A man and his boyfriend are in a bar that is laid out like a computer keyboard, both on the two alt keys.
The guy sighs. "I feel that there is space between us."
I saw a news story that a truck hauling pigment collided with a tour bus on bridge and both fell into the river…
Thankfully no lives were lost but everyone dyed.
I've got two sons, both named after where they were born: one on a riverboat in Europe, and another on the sea.
So I named them Ryan and Brian.
A man walks into a bar and orders two beers, drinks them both and leave. The man comes back next year, orders two beers, drinks both and leaves.
The third time the bar tender asks why he does that. He said he comes every year on his dead brother’s birthday and has drink for himself and his brother. The next year he only ordered one beer, the bar tender was confused and asked why he only ordered one. He replied “I stopped drinking.”
What did they call the pirate before she lost both her legs?
Margaret.
Afterwards she was shortened to Peggy.
I wonder if they have a glass port hole on the Mars rover, to both see out of and so Martians could see into the rover...
Or did NASA miss this window of Opportunity?
My cousin posted two jokes on this sub, but the mods deleted both of them.
He is my cousin, twice [removed]
Sven and Ole were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office....
When asked his occupation, Sven answered, "Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers" The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labor, he awarded him $80 a week unemployment compensation.
Ole was called in next and when asked his occupation he replied, "Diesel Fitter." Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk awarded Ole $160 a week in unemployment compensation.
Sven was FURIOUS when he found out what Ole was awarded. So he stormed back into the office demanding to know why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, "Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor." "UFF-DAH!!! What skill?" yelled Sven. "I sew da elastic on da knickers, then Ole puts 'em over his head and says, "Yep, diesel fitter."
I managed to break both big toes during my soccer match today, had to come off the field in horrible pain, and my team went on to lose the match 0-4.
Today I truly suffered the agony of da feet.
During a divorce hearing the judge ask the son if he wanted to live with his mom or dad. The son answered, "neither they both beat me." So the judge asked, "who do you want to live with?"
The son answered, "the U.S. Women's Soccer Team. They only beat themselves.
A man and his son go to the optometrist and both have the same prescription but can't afford two sets of glasses.
His solution? "I wear my son's glasses at night..."
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record
Why is a Dyson vacuum cleaner considered both good and bad at the same time?
The Water Buffalo dad was surprised to hear that his boy was attracted to both male and female water buffaloes.
He should have know he had a Bison.
My elderly neighbor had some landscapers take care of his lawn every weekend for several years. Recently, he hired a new crew, but forgot to fire the old crew. So this weekend they both showed up to mow his lawn, and got into a fight over who should be there.
He had no idea he had started a turf war.
After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, their goalkeeper invited both of us to a party to celebrate.
It was the father, son, and the goalie host.
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why.
He just looked at me and said,
"They're GREAT!"
I went to the hardware store with a friend and the store had pallets of soil, seed, and fertilizer out front. We both stopped and looked at one of the pallets stacked high with bags of dried steer manure. The sign said, "Strict limit 2 per customer."
My friend looked at me and said, "I guess there's only so much shit you can take."
True story.
I once dated two girls called Edith and Kate. Kate found out and told Edith that I was dating both of them at the same time. They both broke up with me on the very same day!
Moral of the story is you can’t have your Kate and Edith too
If the Scottish and the Irish went to war, no matter the victor, both sides would have kilt it.
Dad: What weighs more? A gallon of water or a gallon of butane? Son: they both weigh the same.
Dad: wrong. Water is a fluid and butane is a lighter fluid!
Edit: credit to u/Kelly240361
My wife and I met at the store when we were both buying a copy of the Disney movie “up”
It was the perfect meet cute and we kept both copies even after getting married. It was sweet. Not all things are meant to last and when things got a bit rocky we decided to get divorced. I let her keep the apartment and moved my stuff out. Unfortunately, we live in one of those states that mail out ballots. She sent me a text a week after I had left to let me know my ballot had come to the apartment. We had ended things amicably, but neither of us wanted to see each other so soon. Committed to my civic duty, I dropped by after work the next day. When she opened the door she was in tears. She had me come in and I immediately saw it, I had forgotten to take my copy of the movie. Somehow, this felt more final than actually signing the divorce papers. I still cared about her, so I asked if she wanted to talk at all. She shook her head and said through tears, “Just take your Up, vote and go.”
What plant do both Spaniards and French agree is the best?
Both of my parents don't identify with the gender they were assigned at birth. They are both very honest and open people.
I guess you could say they're transparent.
i am deaf on both ears after working at the metal factory
I guess heavy metal is not good for my ears
I once saw two men quarreling because both claimed that his family name is Fuck and the other is lying. After seeing their IDs, I found out that only one man was telling the truth, the one with the first name What.
When the American president found out that he was sexually attracted to both men and women, what did he say?
My brother and I both picked up bottles of mouthwash on the same grocery trip...
I guess you could say we really got our Acts together.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
Which South American country is both the hottest and coldest?
A drug addicted midget is the only thing that will always be both lower and higher than me at the same time.
Setting my heights real low on this one guys. Lol
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards.
I'm sure that must have been a record.
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