I own a kennel. Apparently, its conditions were so unsanitary that the UN had to get involved. When I came back from vacation, I asked my associate where all my animals had gone.

He replied "WHO let the dogs out."

"Who?"

"WHO"

"Who???"

"WHO"

I'll show myself out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShowingMyselfOut
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2015
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Have you seen the car crash at the national association for blind people?

Witnesses claim they didn't see it coming

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πŸ‘€︎ u/5wiipr29
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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The president of the National Referees Association has been arrested for corruption.

Investigators haven't released the name of the whistle-blower.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/big_macaroons
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
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"It's a pleasure to be here as the keynote speaker for 'The Purple Fruit Growers Association'" said Tom

with much aplomb.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealTheAsh
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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From the Wikipedia article about the song Cherish by The Association.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/42alj
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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I'm a member of the American Medical Association, AMA.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ahotpineapple
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2017
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I lied on my application for membership to the American Amputee Association

When they found out, I was dismembered.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Happy_Each_Day
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
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What do you have to do to become a member of the Golf Equipment Repair Association?

Join the club

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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I got voted in as Chairman of the Walkie-Talkie Association today

The vote was 10 - 4

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
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Old man Art was planting flowers in his front yard. The homeowners’ association fined him $100.

Yard Art is strictly prohibited.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
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What's the association for gay colours called?

RGBT

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustKebab
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
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My daughter wanted to clean her cardboard rocketship with her face cloth...

Trying to reduce the enormous amount of laundry associated with kids,

I said, "you don't need to clean your rocketship. It's not dirty. Space is a vacuum"....

I could hear my wife's eyes roll in the next room. Success!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tren898
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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Why does the powerwalking association have a hard time electing a president?

Nobody runs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tanski14
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
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My Canadian friend was reluctant to emcee the Young Men's Christian Association event.

His exact words were, "Why emcee, eh?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScottyUrb
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
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I got into a fight with the Home Owner's Association about my gate. So they took it down.

I guess you could say they took offense.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skididlydoo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
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I finally got a letter back from the Bladder Association

Urine the club

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ice-_-Bear
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2019
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Have you heard about the U.S. Cattleman's Association?

They have a real beef with meat alternatives.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mmm_migas
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2018
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What do you call the directors at the Wrinkle Free Association?

The Ironing Board.

On the nose, but I just made it up. At least I have never heard it before.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ApexDovah
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2016
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What part of the brain is associated with laziness?

The medulla idontgata

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πŸ‘€︎ u/welcomewilson
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2014
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Need gnome puns ASAP

My mom’s friend is trying to write a card for her husband for Valentine’s Day, and he loves gnomes. Shes trying to find gnome puns to put in the card associated with Valentine’s Day. Please help because I don’t know any good gnome puns.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mE-iS-wAfFlE
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
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Help me help a friend: need a good pun

Hi, a friend of mine had to organize a β€œtheme”week for a Biology student’s association. The name of the theme has to be a biology pun. Examples are: smells like green spirit, game of thorns, sofishticated or the great catsby.

These names were all used in the past and now she needs new names. Help me out, thanks in advance.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Foxlair
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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Being undead only sometimes sucks.

I wondered why zombies, ghouls, and vampires are so closely associated. After all, why would decaying shambling corpses be associated with the suave Dracula-esque? then it hit me:

Most vampires are necromancers, but not all necromancers are vampires.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ojiji_bored
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
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I won a unique item at the Celebrity Origami charity auction.

The auction's goal was to raise money for Tourette syndrome research by selling origami figures made by famous celebrities. To highlight the purpose of the auction, the organization in charge asked all participating celebs to write a replacement of a naughty four-letter word most closely associated with the disorder.

For example, George Clooney's origami penguin said Fudge instead of the F-word.

Margot Robbie's paper flower said Beach instead of the B-word.

I bid on the origami made by Dwayne Johnson.

The Rock's paper scissors said Shoot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roivas14
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
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My daughter asked me what DNA stood for

I told her it was the National Dyslexics Association.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FramingHips
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2014
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Dadjoked a manager over the walkie.

I was working the closing shift at a retail store where every associate carries a walkie. Before closing time, a manager will generally ask which departments need help zoning (cleaning, facing merchandise, etc) and the associates will help the other departments. The other night:

Manager: -kssht- How are we on the floor?

Me:- kssht- Gravity.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MetalJunkie101
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2015
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An old man and his lawn

An older gentleman had an herb garden, one of the herbs that he had planted was thyme. The thyme took really well to the climate and environment of his lawn, and began to extend past his garden, into his lawn. Now, this was unacceptable as he prided himself on having a pristine lawn. He decides he needs to reign in the problem and heads to the nearby nursery to find a solution.

He gets there, but wants to make sure he finds the right product. After about 30 minutes, one of the customer service associates notices he's spent a lot of time looking around the herbicides and whatnot. Thinking the man has a weed problem, he offers the following assistance.

"Hey can I help you find a weed-killer? You've been on this asile awhile, and I can definitely speed up the process."

"No thanks," the man responds, "I've got some thyme to kill."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dedinside13
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2018
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Slightly offensive dadjoke at work

This one was about two years ago, but it was one of my favorite memories of work due to the reaction it got. There's a little bit of a setup/backstory for this.

I landed a job at the local Sam's Club before it opened, so I, along with the other associates, was to attend a credit training event at a very nice bank in town.

There were probably 30 or 40 in the class and most of us knew each other pretty well because we had spent the past few weeks 'blitzing,' or selling Sam's Club memberships at Walmarts in the area.

Anyway, the credit guy (his name fails me) was giving a powerpoint presentation on the ins and outs of the Sam's credit accounts. At one point, he said that for pre-approved members, a piece of paper called a 'chit' will print out. There were a few chuckles and he smiled and said "yeah, I know," and carried on.

Then I raised my hand.

He called on me, and I began: "So if a church with a business membership is pre-approved, who's responsible for applying? A church accountant or one of the clergy or something?"

"Yes, whoever owns the account itself."

"Would that be considered a 'holy chit?'"

The class erupted in laughter and one associate even left the room because she was laughing so hard. I saw one of the managers in class with us had his head buried in his arms laughing to the point of tears.

Probably my finest moment.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MetalJunkie101
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2015
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Where is a good place to cut your own Christmas tree?

About three inches off the ground.

My daughter told me this joke and if it gave you a chuckle, please consider donating to her fundraiser for the American Heart Association! http://www2.heart.org/goto/heartwarming

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AppleBaggins
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2018
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Quite a rich pun

A wealthy man who occasionally dabbled in black-market affairs was strolling through town one day. One of his associates came running up to him with some bad news. "Sir, the shipment from Singapore is late" his associate said. "DO NOT talk to me about these affairs in public you fool!" the wealthy man blurted back. "My apologies, sir. Would you prefer to discuss this in your home?" his associate replied. The wealthy man responded "Yes, please speak to me in the manor to which I'm accustomed."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BadCorey
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2015
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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My son had an ingrown toenail treated.

The doctor's office was associated with the local medical college, so there were a couple of med students watching the senior doctor work on my son's toe. He loaded up a syringe with anesthetic and injected in multiple places, explaining that he was doing this to achieve digital blocking (that is, numbing the entire digit, namely the toe).

After it was done they left the nurse to bandage my son up, and he said, "Dad? What did he mean by digital blocking?"

"Well, when you weren't looking he hooked your toe up to a USB port and downloaded some MP3s into it. If you hold your foot close to your ear you can hear "Laaaaa, aaaaa aa aaaaah, close to you.""

The nurse stared at me and turned to my son. "Is he always like this?"

He silently nodded, looking at the floor...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oldforger
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2015
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I think this is a dad joke

I'm a dad and I like telling it, so I guess that's qualification enough. I heard this joke about 26 years ago, and I still laugh at it. Slightly long, so don't hate me.

A guy that lives alone decided that he wanted to get a pet. He went to a pet store in his city to see what was available. The man tells the associate at the store that he wants a pet, but he doesn't want an "ordinary" pet like a cat or dog, he wants something unique. The associate asks the man if he by chance has a swimming pool at his house, and the man replies that he indeed does have a pool. The associate says, "Great! I've got just the pet for you. Actually it is two pets -- two beautiful porpoises. And these aren't ordinary porpoises, either. They will never die, but there is one small catch. To keep them alive, once a year at noon on July 1, you have to feed each one of them an immature sea gull, before the birds have learned to fly." The associate tells the man that he shouldn't worry about the annual feeding, though, because the associate will always make sure he has two birds available for the man every year on July 1.

The man buys the pets, fills his swimming pool with salt water, and really enjoys the companionship of the porpoises throughout the year. On June 30, the man calls the pet store to make sure the two birds are available, and sure enough they are. The next day, he goes to the pet store at 10 a.m. to purchase the birds, and while he is inside the store he hears a lot of commotion coming from just outside the store. He goes to the front of the store to see what's going on outside, and he finds that there is a huge, ferocious lion trying to get into the store through the front door. Luckily, the door swings outward from the store, so the lion can't get it open. The police call the store associate to tell him what has happened. The main attraction (the lion) from the state zoo just up the road from the store had escaped, and the lion could sense all the small animals that were inside the pet store, so he was trying to get into the store to eat them. The police are waiting for the zoo's lion tamer to show up and get the animal back into captivity.

Meanwhile, the man who was at the store to buy the birds to feed to his pets was getting really anxious. He was trapped inside the store, there was no other exit, and the time was quickly approaching noon. The associate reminded the man that he absolutely had to feed his pets at precisely noon, otherwise th

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/phallivore
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2017
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Hotel Rewards Program

I work as a front desk associate for a major hotel chain that has a rewards program, but the guest checking in, a Mr. Zingone, didn't have it on his reservation. I tried searching for it several different ways, just the surname "Zingone," just his phone number, but ultimately could not find his account information.

So I told him, "Well, you may have had a membership, but it looks like it's... Zin-gone..."

He told me no more humor, just get me to my room. I think he was just as impressed, however.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/failbender
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2016
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My girlfriend got me good today.

We were at walmart and I was saying all sorts of bad jokes associated with products. She eventually got mad, so I asked if she thought I was funny. We walked past some cheetos in the chip isle and she pointed at the cheetos and said "ya, you're dangerously cheesy". I knew she was a keeper.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vinterd
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2017
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Dad jokes can be found anywhere

I walked into a Michaels store today and saw a sales sign that had fallen off its stand from one side.

The sales associate saw me looking at it and said, "If you were wondering, we are having a sideways sale!".

I couldn't resist. "Well, that explains why the prices had dropped by half! "

We knew what we did. It was marvelous.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Subzero_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2015
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Got my friends a great one if I say so myself

We were discussing our entries into a marathon and talking about the fact that you had to nominate a charity to run for. One of the girls said,

'I didn't pick one, I just typed in N/A.'

'Funny, that already is a charity.'

quizzical look

'The National Stroke Association...'

Groans all round

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πŸ‘€︎ u/noticeperiod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2016
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Heard this one today at the post office

An older gentleman was trying to purchase stamps from the machine but it was not working. So he asked the associate and it went like this

Sir did you punch the lever??

No, I kicked it a bunch but no punching

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dickon-Manwoody
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2015
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Circuit City

Dad walks into Circuit City with me, as a child, and asks the nearest associate,

"Where is the electronics section?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/brancamyname
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2013
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At Sports Authority

My dad and I are in the bikes section of Sports Authority, but we're looking for cross country skiis.

My dad walks up to a sales associate who is standing next to a rack full of bikes and asks "Do you have any bikes?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rosinthebow
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2014
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Non-Profit Salaries

My dad was talking about salaries of non profit CEOs.

Me:how much does the Alzheimer's association CEO get paid

Dad: he makes 2.7 million a year.

Dad: but I bet they forgot how much they paid him.

Me:facepalm

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Awwik
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2015
🚨︎ report

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