The lab clerk says “I thought you wanted a beakers dozen!”
The lumberjack grinned and said: “And you will dialogue.”
The first person says “I was a doctor, I saved lives.” St. Peter lets him in.
The second person says “I was a teacher, I educated and inspired hundreds of children”. St Peter lets him in.
The third says “I was a musician, I brought joy and beautiful music to many people.”
St. Peter says “ok, but you’ll have to go around back and come in through the kitchen.”
....Elderflower.
After all, fare is fowl.
Husband hands me the only thing that's mine (a small 8lb dumbbell) and says "it's really time you carried your own weight around here." I think he's ready for the baby to get here.
Come with me if you want to, Liv Tyler.
It was overcast.
That means your time is here
Apparently something was afoot.
...but then I decided to let it slide.
On Columbus day
...happy days!
From there, it's all downhill.
Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.
... so they can beat the crowds!
Edit: Wow, this is now my second highest upvoted post ever, and it's not even my own joke! Totally should have credited the video I saw this in: https://www.reddit.com/r/PublicFreakout/comments/h8btkp/protester_has_a_joke_for_the_police_officers/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Thanks for the laughs and great comment threads, Reddit :)
Season's greetings!
Because there’s no place like ohm.
"No Mike, you fly on ahead and I'll catch up later".
Looks like the boa cons tricked her...
This was known as the Big Bang hypothesis.
Joke by Terry Pratchett, ‘The Colour of Magic’, Prologue.
May i please cumin
When I walked in the place was great, everything was perfect apart from the kitchen. There were gas mains but no cooker! Work surfaces and water pipes, but no sink; empty plugs and spaces for where the fridge and freezer should sit.
When I bought the house I was told it was fully furnished! Furious, I called up intending to give whomever answered an earful.
I was told that everything should be arriving individually, and the house is being used as an experiment for completely autonomous, self thinking kitchen appliances!
Before I could reply there was a knock on the door. I opened it and a stove strolled in, tilted forward in a bow, slid past me and set itself into its spot! Even attaching itself to the gas mains!
Later that day another knock at the door signalled the arrival of the fridge and freezer.(who had travelled together) They bowed and sat themselves perfectly in place in my new kitchen. I was beaming!
That evening I was explaining to my wife how the appliances had arrived, when came another knock at the door. “This technology is going to change the world, I swear it!” I told her. “Can you answer the door? I’ve been on my feet all day”
“Yeah,” she replied, less enthusiastic than I,“but it’ll get to a point when humans are completely inferior.” She explained “When these machines develop such sentience, what’s stopping them from overthrowing us?” “Treating us as slaves, like we to them now?” She asked, distraught at theses ideas.
Knock knock
“It’s best not to worry about these things,” I said in an attempt to alleviate her fears.
“There are people- professionals developing contingencies for any possible future robot uprising!” “That future you’re frightened about is purely science fiction right now, and the way our collective knowledge and application of technology has advanced, (Even in the past 50 years!) our own scientists and engineers will be able to crush any worries we may have when the time comes.” I explained.
She sighed, agreeing somewhat reluctantly. “Don’t think on it now, have some faith!” I told her.
Knock knock
“Now let that sink in!”
My boss: Why are you dressed as a woman?!
Me: What do you mean? You asked me if i could join the meeting with the Chinese as a trans later?
It’s okay, I’m patient
Couldn’t have come monsoon enough!
...all they had to say was "get Elon little doggie".
She gagged
He had to walk ten miles north to the nearest town. By the time he arrived he was famished, so he ran to the nearest diner and asked for the quickest meal possible. The server arrives and gives him a plate that was meant for a delivery, the rabbi eats most of the food and after he’s finished he realizes he didn’t know what he ate. Scared, he asks the server “Is this pork?” The server says “No, iss lamb.”
He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”
NOK NOK.
They told me not to be so silly, and to sit properly...
Planet. And when the guests arrive, rocket.
He was pronounced Dad On Arrival
The performer saw the men arrive and that the crowd was large so he stood on his cart and yelled "can you see me now!?" to which the men replied Oui! Si! Ja!
When he arrives he sees the security guard at his desk, sobbing
“I c-can’t believe the boss forgot my b-b-birthday”
Seeing this opportunity, the thief sneaks round to the back steals the security codes and goes to access the vault.
Unfortunately for the thief, the head of the bank was busy giving a tour to some possible investors and is at the vault.
Upon seeing the thief (who is stupidly dressed in horizontal black and white stripes) he exclaims, “HOW DID YOU GET PAST MY SECURITY!!?!”
To which the thief replies, “You let your guard down”
Al Gore responded: Al Gore take the stairs.
I have no words for how angry I am.
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
“Good, take these lasagnas to table 6” he said.
Because they like to beat the crowd.
