Me: What should we do about the sleeping arrangements during our holiday? Her: I was thinking of...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tnethacker
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
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We recently hired a magician at the cemetery based on his response to how he could help combat the rising costs of burial arrangements.

"Abracadaver."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vodkashana
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
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I told my wife I’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.

She said, β€œWhere would you find the time?”

I said, β€œEasy. Right next to the sage.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height.

They didn’t like my critter sizing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mycorona69
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
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When I play battleship I like to arrange my ships in the shape of states...

Michigan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RontaukMonster
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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During an autopsy, why are the heart, kidneys, liver and lungs arranged alphabetically?

So they are organ-ized.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flippantteacup
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It is an extremely rare dish order.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
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I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture...

But when I got home, the tables were turned...

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
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I was thrown out of the local park for arranging the squirrels by height...

Apparently they just can’t take a little critter-sizing!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sjdiver2001
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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I met a Dutch guy with inflatable shoes the other day and arranged to have dinner with him

Unfortunately he popped his clogs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andysood1980
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
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Poirot arranged the murder suspects in a row in an old Roman town.

It was a Hercule line em up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/webchimp32
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2019
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I’ve spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Dracula’s house.

I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Black_Hole_Potato
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
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I tried arranging a date with a girl at the gym

It didn't work out

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lupix101
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
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After re-arranging the bed in our daughter's room...

To my wife: "Ah, that's bedder."

Wife: [Annoyed glare]

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theshannons
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2014
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There was a man that wasn't allowed to fart.

Since he started dating, his girlfriend would chastise him to great lengths everytime he felt the need to fart.

After they got married, the situation was maintained. He couldn't possibly fart near his wife. Sometimes he had to leave the house, just to pass some gas.

When he was really old, he died peacefully during in his sleep while lying on his back. She called the undertaker, so the arrangements for the funeral could be made.

When the undertaker rolled the man of the bed, there was a massive fart. The undertaker looked to the now widow to see how she was going to react, but she simply said:

"No need to chastise him anymore. Hee can RIP in Peace!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DangerASA
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
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[Request] Can anyone please help me come up with a business name that is a Bob's Burgers-level pun?

The neighboring store front and exterminator van in the opening credits have the best punny business names and always crack me up. I'm a fan and would love to name my business in a similar fashion. ETA Examples: I'd Hit That Boxing Gym. Lady and the Clamp, Hardware for Her. A Fridge Too Far. Cupid's Stupid, Divorce Attorneys. A Ton in the Oven, Big and Tall Baby Clothes. Let's Scissor! Collage Studio. Don't Stop Bereaving, Grief Counseling.

But I am So. Stuck.

A little background about my business idea: I'm a personal/sometimes virtual assistant specializing in household admin and management. I'm marketing mostly towards blue collar men who might be widows/divorcees who never had to worry about the general finances and household paperwork. Some of the services offered are: budget setting, bill paying, appointment setting/calendar management, travel arrangements, errands, personal & grocery shopping, pet & house sitting, etc...

I'm ready to take the next steps in making this an actual business and take out some ad space, but the perfectionist in me NEEDS a brilliant name. Can someone please help me? The best I can come up with is some sort of play on Pepper Potts, but I see quite a few VAs out there with that as a business name. I will gift a platinum to the one I like the best if that's appropriate.

Thank you in advance! πŸ”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EmElleGee31
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
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I asked the bank teller why the guy sitting at the next window was wearing a mask & a cowboy outfit?

She said he was the lone arranger.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
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An Ant is lying in its death bed in North Korea.

He calls his son and says he wanted to tell him something for a long time.

Son Ant : What is it dad?

Father Ant : I cannot say that in this god forbidden country we have to move immediately to France or Italy before i am dead.

Confused,the Son Ant made arrangements to move to France.They boarded a spy ship which took them to south Korea.From there they boarded a flight to France.With great difficulty they finally reached France.The father ant's health became worse.The son ant was thinking what was so important that they had to move to another country, So when they settled in their new home he finally asked..

Son Ant : Dad, We are in France now you can tell whatever you were going to tell me. The Father could not speak up so he signaled his son to come closer.The son did.

Father Ant: Son, We are now Europeants.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoOne77492
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
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Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…

The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself.

But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife.

So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused.

He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
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On my prom night I tried to be the perfect date...

I arranged a nice car, I acted like the worlds best son in law to her parents and I held open the door when we got to the venue. All in all everything went great. When we got to the party I asked if she would like something to drink, she said yes and I went to get us some drinks. When I got back and gave her the drink she said: "wow! That was fast" and I said that's because there was no punchline.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/woepie11
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
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Someone in my office asked her boss if anyone else usually sits on the same desk

Her boss replied "yeah, we got a bit of a hotdesk arrangement"

I chimed in and said "Well if it's a hotdesk, you could always turn the fan on."

She was not impressed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clbull
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2018
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These puns are Capital!

So I had a productive day at work coming up with these Capital City puns a year ago today. Thought they were too good not to share!

Why did the Geordie arrange a holiday to Romania?

To book a rest!

Bob Mortimer was speaking to his comedy partner's wife saying he wanted to take him on a piss up to Iceland. When asked why he said:

I want to wreck ya vic!

Why should you never let a man go swimming in Finland with weights on his ankles?

Coz He'll sinky

What do people most commonly use toilet paper for in Bandar Seri Begawan?

Their Brunei

Catwoman bet her male counterpart he couldn't pronouce the capitol of Nepal. But cat man do.

Why was the Polish man rubbing his bollocks? Coz they warsaw.

I just came up with a cracking pun for Japan. Alas, all the wife could say was "What Tokyo so long?"

The ex Mrs McCartney got naked in East Germany in the 80s. She was known for years in the area as Bare-lin

Cheap flights to Russia still available! Book now! Everything Moscow!

The people of Bahamas think learning Capitol cities is Nassau important

The people of the Netherlands had a need to build a water driven power station as well as an overabundance of pork products. So they used 'Ams to Dam a river.

A husband and wife in the Phillipines were both very, very unwell. The woman was sick, but the man iller.

What's the average Senegalian's favoured mode of transport? Da car

Have you heard about the talking cat in Somalia that only throws insults? The Moggy Diss you

They are obsessed with John Cleese in Uruguay. They love a video of Fawlty towers almost as much as they love a Montevideo

People from Vietnam Hanoi the hell outta me

Rain storms are very rare in Zambia, but in Zimbabwe they Harera

Before you do a joke about Macedonia, let me Skopje right there

I've heard Swedish Ikea workers get stuff for free, they can just take Stockholm

If you are trying to eat Halal in Pakistan, Islamabad or good choice?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spoghead
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2018
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My friend owns a mall (long)

I'm here today to tell you all a horrible story, so that none of you have to go through the same experience as my friend.

My friend, Hugh, is a very religious man, who is also involved in our community. 2 weeks ago, our local church burned down and Hugh believed it was his Christian duty to help them get back on their feet. Hugh allowed the friars of the church to set up a cart in his mall to sell their flowers. Every day, the friars came in at 7:00 in the morning with a bushel of beautiful flowers and began to work diligently to arrange them into bouquets. All was going well, the mall was generating more revenue and the church was making more money than they were by selling the flowers in front of the church on Sunday. Everyone was happy; until that first weekend.

Our town is kinda tourist-y, so we get some out-of-towners on the weekends. A gay couple came to the mall the first weekend that the friars had taken up shop (Typically, our town is pretty progressive, but the friars tended to be uber-conservative). The couple came over to the cart and admired the flowers; they tried to purchase a bouquet, but the friars refused to sell to them. The couple was outraged and went to see Hugh directly. They complained to him that the friars were being discriminatory, so Hugh promised to have a talk with the friars. When Hugh confronted the friars, they refused to sell to the couple on the grounds that β€œthey were committing an atrocity in the eyes of the lord.” The couple stormed off and promised to boycott the cart.

This past weekend, the couple came back with a large group and a letter from the mayor, saying that the friars had to sell to them, regardless of sexual preference. The friars stood firm and refused to sell to them, so the group started a protest. They brought in signs and started chanting around the cart. The friars continued to sell their flowers and Hugh allowed them to remain, so eventually the protest began to boycott the mall, rather than just the cart.

By today, the mall had lost 50% of its normal weekend revenue. The group sent a letter to Hugh saying that they could forgive him if he shut down the flower cart within the week. Hugh was pretty broken up, but he had no choice. To maintain his livelihood, he would have to kick the friars out of his store. He talked with the friars this morning and revoked their previous agreement. The friars had their cart packed and left by 7:30, to huge cheers from the community. The mall has been pretty norm

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/st_pugsley
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2016
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My wife said this one was unbearable

Two naturalists spent the bulk of their lives studying bears in the Soviet Union. One was from Czechoslovakia and the other from Poland. When the USSR fell in December 1991 they were both old men, but they were excited about the prospect of finally getting the chance to study grizzlies in America. That following Spring they made arrangements to travel to Yellowstone to finally see the grizzlies.

When they arrived and informed the park rangers of their plan the rangers were alarmed, telling the scientists, "You can't go now. It's mating season, and the bears are very aggressive." But the former Soviets were insistent. "Please," they said, "We must go. We've waited our whole lives. We may never get another chance." Realizing the men couldn't be dissuaded, the rangers gave them a radio with instructions to report in with their location every day. The scientists set out, and for several days they reported dutifully that all was well.

On the third day, though, they failed to report in. Anxiously, the rangers sent out a search party to the scientists' last known location.

Unfortunately, the rangers discovered a bloody mess when they found the men's camp, and the tracks of two bears, a male and a female, leading off into the woods.

The rangers followed the tracks until suddenly they came upon the female grizzly, her muzzle still crimson with blood. They shot her and conducted an autopsy on the spot, sadly finding the remains of the Polish scientist inside her stomach.

"You know what this means, don't you?" said one ranger to the other. "Yes," the other replied, "The Czech is in the male."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/keithdok
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2016
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A young woman runs a science experiment.

Once, there was a young woman who wanted to do a little psychological experiment. So she carefully bred cherry trees to bloom in multiple colors, and arranged to have them planted such that the trees of one color would spell out the name of some other color. You know, to test the Stroop effect.

However, the instructions (which were, admittedly, odd) weren't transmitted to the workers (all starving underpaid grad students) effectively, so the groups of various colored cherry trees were planted such that the colors matched the names, completely invalidating her experiment.

She's now the Stroop drupe group blooper girl, Stroop drupe blooper girl, Stroop drupe blooper girl...

She now focuses on Anglo-Saxon royalty.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/derleth
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2016
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Important safety warning!

An ancient Babylonian general was once involved in a plot to overthrow the king. His plot included a number of followers in the upper ranks of the army. However, his plot was uncovered, and the king threw him in jail. The king sentenced him to death without a trial.

However, from the jail he was able to secretly contact his followers to arrange to escape, meet his followers, and attack the king's palace at night. So the night before his scheduled execution, the general managed to escape from prison. He fled to a ziggurat several kilometers away, where his followers would meet him. However, the ziggurat was one of several in the area, and he wasn't sure if his cohorts would find the right ziggurat. By this time it was twilight, so he lit a small fire and sent smoke signals to indicate in which structure he was hiding.

However, the king's loyal soldiers saw the smoke coming from the ziggurat, and came to arrest him before he could meet his followers. He was executed later that day.

The moral of the story? WARNING: The searching general has determined that smoking ziggurats can be extremely hazardous to your stealth.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LinkBrokeMyPots
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2018
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I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.....

They didn’t like me critter sizing.

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/18021982
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
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My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year it was bought.

It's an extremely rare dish order.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sunken-ship-daddy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
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My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2019
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I told my wife I was going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order. She said "Where would you find the time ?"

I said, "Easy, right next to the sage"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
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My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

πŸ‘︎ 287
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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I thought I won an argument with my wife on how to arrange the dining room furniture

But when I got home the tables were turned.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ubadishnard
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
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I told my wife, β€œI’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.”

She said, β€œWhere would you find the time?”

I said, β€œThat should be easy. Next to the sage.”

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2018
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I told my wife that I’m going to arrange all the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.

She said, β€œWhere would you find the time?”

I said, β€œEasy. Right next to the sage.”

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
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I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.

They didn't like me critter sizing.

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhiskeyChugger
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
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My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
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I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture.

But when I got home, the tables were turned .

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2018
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My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the date they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

πŸ‘︎ 187
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
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My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought...

It’s an extremely rare dish order...

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bot_10
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates in the order of the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryannbajaj
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
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I told my wife that I'm going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on. She asked, "Where will you find the time?"

I said, "Easy, right next to the sage"

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZappBrannigansLaw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
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