The lady who hems my pants appeared anxious...

In fact, I know she seamstressed

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
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A man is found dead in the desert. Cause of death appeared to be dehydration. The police go to his mother's house.

"Ma'am you son dried "

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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In a field with lots of sheep and lambs roaming around, a giant wolf appeared and swallowed whole a baby lamb. The lamb whined and yelped nonstop for hours on end. After a while the wolf started getting sick, and yet the lamb yelped and whined ever louder.

Finally the wolf died and the baby lamb walked out of the wolf and rejoined it’s momma in the flock of sheep. Turns out the wolf died of internal bleating.

All credit goes to my coworker.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/robertmmoore143
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.

So we did it squid pro quo

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoMoreTerritory
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
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A well just mysteriously appeared in the lawn at the precinct!

The police are currently looking into it...

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clark_creationz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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Original joke time! The apples I had to remove the peals from all appeared in twos, matched for use together.

They pared up nicely.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
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The Grim Reaper appeared in beside me when I was chopping up some carrots in my kitchen.

He took his scythe and started chopping the carrots with me. Very scary when you are dicing with death.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
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A woman and a man were talking when suddenly a bird appeared from the sky
  • Would you like to donate to my charity. Said the bird when landing on a tree above their heads

  • What is it called? asked the man.

The bird looked them straight in the eyes and cawed four times.

The man and woman were very confused until the bird said.

  • It's four good caws.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IsakSolarInte
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
If the disciple that betrayed Jesus appeared in Veggietales, what vegetable would he be?

Judas Isacarrot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/atrix324
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
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When "The Untouchables" first appeared on television in 1959, it was very popular...

People tuned in like gangbusters!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
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Saw what appeared to be the captain of our cruise ship at dinner

While on a cruise a few months ago, my wife, another couple and I were eating dinner in one of the fancier restaurants. We saw someone in uniform (who looked like the captain) eating dinner with a few others nearby.

Our friend asked "if that's the captain, then who's driving the boat?"

My response, "it's fine, he's got it on cruise control"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSobernaut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2019
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I went into a website and a Pepsi ad appeared. The page reloaded.

It was refreshing.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ellohir
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2017
🚨︎ report
I asked why Paddington bear appeared to have been arrested in the trailer for the new movie

And my dad answered, "for showing his bear ass"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Caa3098
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2017
🚨︎ report
A dad replied to a comment on a /r/AskReddit thread titled "Customers of restaurants that's appeared on Gordon Ramsey's kitchen nightmares, what was the food actually like before and after the show helped the resturant?"

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/4stjtt/customers_of_restaurants_thats_appeared_on_gordon/d5c5il9?context=1

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jimothy_Chives
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2016
🚨︎ report
And lo, an angel appeared unto the prophet Isaiah, and said:

Angel: "Behold! I exceed ninety degrees!"

Isaiah: "Uh... what?"

And the angel gave no explanation and vanished.

Isaiah muttered: "What an obtuse angel."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2016
🚨︎ report
Standing at the park today wondering why does a frisbee appears larger the closer it gets..

And then it hit me! I didn't see that one coming

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MainScientist6
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
When the third zero came up, I promptly bet my money against another one appearing...

...and quickly lost everything.

It was all four naughts.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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I need help solving a pun/riddle.

Context: I'm in a DnD campaign, for fifth edition.

So basically, one of my characters told a horrible pun to a planetar (Massive angel-like being) over Sending (A spell letting you communicate over long distances). "Whaddya call a celestial who likes to fish? An angel-er." and then he got asked to put his journal in the box that suddenly appeared behind hm, He complied, and when he got it back his name was gone from the first page of the book, and there was a golden box, that read "Tell me what I've pun, wizard" So I'm assuming he needs to answer in some sort of pun related to his name, Klaus Hallowmantle.

However, my brain is smoother than... I can't think of anything to compare it to all of a sudden. Oh well. Anyone who can help me with this?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Hipster_Fox
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
What kind of birds only appear on Friday the 13th?
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VoicelessSock
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I opened a book and counted the average value of how many times the letters A to M appear in each page of the book. After getting the results, I threw them away.

They are only means to an N.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sodrohu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Two prawns were swimming around in the sea

One called Justin and the other called Kristian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area:

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian. "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said. "Your wish is granted" Low and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn..

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam to Kristian's home. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted. "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Kristian replied. "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back. "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed....... I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Kristian!!.. πŸ€ͺ🀣

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
"This is the seventh time in three years that you are appearing in front of me," said the judge, "What do you have to say for yourself?" "But your honor," came the reply,

"It's surely not my fault that you haven't been promoted."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Breaking News: A turtleneck seller is to appear in court for selling his turtlenecks to the public, and just killing so many turtles. And sweater or not he wins, he was really a bad salesman.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BitGouda
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2019
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How did the magician make a candy bar appear out of thin air?

He had a lot of Twix up his sleeve

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lancex
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2015
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Pun request!

Sorry if this is against the rules (doesn't appear so from what I read), but I'm looking for Gyoza puns. My attempts have been a bit lame so far. Thought I'd try the hive mind here if any takers? If you've goyza any please share!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mediashiznaks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I've invented a game where avocados appear randomly and you have to smash as many as possible within the time limit

I'm calling it Guac-a-Mole

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sup3rjaw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Herbal essentials

Noted researcher Rosemary Fuller was involved in a lab accident today. She's working on the theory that herb-based formulas can actually reverse or accelerate the aging process. Parsley, for example, has been shown to cause rapid aging, and recent efforts have shown good results with oregano-based anti-aging serums. Ms Fuller was, unfortunately, standing near a vat of simmering oregano serum when a nearby researcher nudged her and she fell in! It appeared at first that the anti-aging serum would cause her to de-age down to nothing. Now, though, it looks like she'll be all right. The Parsley's aged Rosemary in time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/berenaltorin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
God appears before Moses and tells him he's going to lead His people into the promise land...

Moses says, "NO WAY!" But God said, "YAHWEH!"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheDictator26
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Trucker's Breakfast

A trucker came intoΒ  a Truck Stop CafΓ© and placed his order with the waitress. He said "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said.Β  "'three flat tires' mean three pancakes; 'a pair of headlights' are two eggs sunny side up; and 'a pair of running boards' are 2 slices of crisp bacon!"

"Oh.. OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrBobShelton_74
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
[Meta] When I post a joke in here, how do I format the punchline so it doesn't appear until you click it?

Basically, how do I avoid spoiling the joke? Do I have to put some kind of page break before I type the answer?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shamrock5
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2018
🚨︎ report
So I was talking to my friend yesterday about their recent accident

They told me that recently they had come into ownership of a small ball of string. At first, they thought nothing of it. One day, they walked into their house and the ball of string was on the table, when they had specifically left it in a closet. They put it away again, but the next day when they came home from work, the ball was on the table again. It kept happening, and eventually it became a sort of game for my friend. They'd leave it somewhere they thought it could never come back from, and return to find it on their table.

Then it began to appear in other places.

It appeared in the middle of a company meeting. One moment, the table was empty, the next, it had a ball of string in the middle. While driving, they spotted it in the back of their car. They saw it inside of a vending machine. But at the end of every day it would return to their table.

Eventually, my friend decided enough was enough. They took the string, and threw it off a bridge into a river. As they were driving home, a car swerved and hit them, wrecking both cars. My friend staggered to check on the other driver, and all he found was a small pile of soggy string on the seat.

After that, he never saw the string again.

So after he told me this tale, I turned to him, and said, "Wow... that was quite a yarn."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justcaleb2001
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Someone keyed a music note into my car

The damage appears to B Minor

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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An Irishman finds a genie

All offenses aside, I’m originally from Britain and we make fun of the Irish ALL the time.

So an Irishman stumbles upon a genie’s lamp and says to himself β€œooh laddy what have we found here? I tink I’ll give it a rub to see if a genie appears!”

So he does, and lo, a puff of blue smoke comes pouring out of the spout, billows into the air and the genie’s form becomes solid. It speaks, β€œOh master of the lamp, I am your genie and I grant you three wishes.”

The Irishman’s eyes are wide open with glee, his cheeks and nose red with fire, he shouts β€œtree wishes?! That’s just brilliant!” For me first wish, I’ll have a bottle of whiskey that never runs dry.”

The genie, eyes rolling, clicks his fingers and POOF a nice big bottle of whiskey appears before the Irishman. β€œWell I tink we’ll have to put this to the test!” He snatches up the bottle, takes a long healthy swig, glug glug glug, and the bottle pops as he releases it from his lips, β€œAhhhhhhhh!!!” And to his amazement as soon as the liquid in the bottle settled, it gave a large burping β€œbulp!”, released a large bubble, and when the bubble popped the bottle was full again. β€œWELL I’LL BE! THAT’S THE MOST INCREDIBLE TING!”

The genie, steadfastly unimpressed, reminded the Irishman β€œMaster, I will bring you fortune, splendor, reputation, treasures beyond any imagination. You have two wishes remaining. What would master want for a wish?”

The Irishman looks to the genie and says β€œoh tat’s easy! I’ll have two more of these!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bbacconnn
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Archeologists in Egypt have uncovered the tomb of a mummy that appears to be covered in chocolate and hazelnuts

It's beleived to be the long lost Pharoah Rocher.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/philbertagain
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2017
🚨︎ report
Dad Joked by daughter

I had to go to court and was wearing a suit and tie. My 10 year old daughter thought this was fantastic for dress up was very interested. I took this as a teachable moment and wanted to tell her about showing respect for your personal appearance and showing up professionally. So I asked her, do you know why I dressed like this? She said to be professional. I said I want to show that I respect myself and I have respect for the court so I dressed accordingly. She laughed and said, "You mean you dressed acourtingly."

tl;dr

Daughter dad joked me about wearing a suit about dressing accourtingly

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notactjack
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I don't know why the NFL tries to hold on to their macho, manly appearance.

They have bye weeks.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2017
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You know, it seems like every time I kill a gnat, another one appears.

So, I guess you could say they're appearing at the drop of a gnat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Falloutchief101
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Dead crows

The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on U.S. Highway 281 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).

The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars.

TxDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Semujin
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A young boy finds a magic lamp

He rubs theΒ lamp, and a genieΒ appears and says,Β β€œWhat is your firstΒ wish?”

The kid says, β€œIΒ wish I were rich!” The genie replies,Β β€œIt is done! What isΒ your second wish,Β Rich?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chennai_buzzer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RabbitHODL
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I was wondering, why does a Frisbee appear larger the closer it gets?

Then it hit me

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/studentadvisor101
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
🚨︎ report

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