Due to this sub's unending debate about what equals a "Dad Joke", I have my own measure for whether or not to upvote/award... It must be more than some lame, unimaginative, "heard it 1000 times" pun. I just reviewed whether the top 10 jokes off all time from this sub meet this standard, and sadly...

No pun in ten did.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2021
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I reviewed our Solar System on Yelp.

one star

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AdequateBob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2022
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I was reading some reviews for the new restaurant on the moon..

Apparently the food is amazing but there’s just no atmosphere.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bluethreefour
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2022
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I am a professional reviewer of historic sites in the United States. I recently visited the site of a famous gunfight at a corral in Arizona...

It was O.K.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Riverlong
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2022
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Did y’all hear about the reviews of the new video on YouTube?

I heard it was pi-rated.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mtg_Dervar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2021
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The Ancient Romans II
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mordrathe
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2021
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Possibly the greatest Snap Reaction dad joke I've ever told (it even got me a POWERFUL groan and vehement FU from my wife)

Me grabbing a soda from my (what I thought was) half full 12pk...

Notices there's only 2;

Me: "Awe man... This is a damn bird box!" Her: "What the hell does that mean?!" Me: (Pulls both cans out & shows them to her) "It's only got Toucans."

I'm not ashamed to admit the look on her face was glorious.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AKhakiNerfHerder
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2022
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The two genders
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShrimpRex
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2021
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What's the opposite of a croissant?

A happy Uncle.....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElderHallow
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2022
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As i child i was forced to walk the plank

We couldn't afford a dog...

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2022
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My wife and I always fight over the right way to hang the toilet paper roll, so our therapist suggested we try the other person's way for a week.

You know. Roll reversal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sassaphras
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2022
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When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, β€œHa! That’s not going to help!” I replied, β€œSure, it does.”

β€œIt’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/808gecko808
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2021
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Here’s a positive post for the new year
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nickatier_Carbs
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2022
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I told my daughter that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning. She asked me...

β€œHow do you know it was on it’s way to work?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/808gecko808
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2021
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Word on the street is, Cookie Monster has tested positive for COVID

It's the Om nom nom nomicron variant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoogleBetaTester
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2021
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I make candles and somebody gave me a great yelp review

This person said my candles were lit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pookells
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2021
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My son was born yesterday and is in the NICU. [META]

What are your best dad jokes? Whoever tells me the funniest one will have the honor of knowing their dad joke was my first as a dad.

Edit: there are two winners.

The first is one I told to my wife. It is about him being born with 4 kidneys but two of them will become adult knees. Thank you u/cabbithunt

The second I told me son. "There are two fish in a tank. One fish looks at the other and says 'I'll drive you man the guns.'" Thank you u/kiabe1

Edit 2: After two weeks in the NICU, we have convinced the doctors to let us upgraded to the wireless home version. Thank you all for your well wishes and jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nomolos2621
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2021
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The Stabacus
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mordrathe
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2021
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While watching β€œHome Alone” we were at the tar-on-the-basement-steps scene, and my daughter asks β€œwhere would you even get tar?” And my wife said…

Target.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/upandattem
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2021
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TIL that the Ancient Romans had four types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III instantly killed the victim upon contact.

Poison IV, though, just made the victim extremely itchy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Common_Coyote_3
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2021
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How do you measure the magnitude of the pun in a dad joke?

With a sighsmograph

Edit: Wow, you guys, Thank-you the the awards and upvotes. If only my family appreciated this joke as much as you do!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/massassi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2022
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A Gen Z kid and a boomer walk into a bar They sit down and the Gen Z kid orders from the gluten free vegan menu and the boomer orders a T-Bone steak.

They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society. > The boomer waves this off and says the kids these days are just too sensitive, and that he fought for civil rights in the sixties and did his part.

They go back and forth on this for a while, and finally the Gen Z kid says, "we're just not gonna settle this. We don't see eye to eye. You're too old and out of touch and I'm too young and inexperienced. What we need to do is ask a Millennial with a PhD in sociology for their opinion."

The boomer says, "that's a great idea!" And yells, "HEY BARTENDER, C'MERE!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YZXFILE
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2021
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What is the capital of Poland?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keith2301
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2021
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I wore a kilt to my first therapy appointment today. Within seconds of sitting down to talk, the therapist told me I was mentally ill

His exact words were "I can clearly see your nuts"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/piblhu
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2022
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The bitcoin I can afford
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Secure_Candy6472
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2021
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Lord of the Rings (Background sets not included)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KaseyMcKay
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2022
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I'm currently sitting through a Jewish religious music performance. Here is my review.

Shofar show good.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jerkstore_84
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2021
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Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.

Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YZXFILE
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2021
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What does the β€œA&W” in A&W Restaurant stand for?

Amburgers and Woot Beer!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spindlebrook
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2022
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The owner of the restaurant begged me to leave a good review.

I left one, after all, how could I refuse a call for Yelp.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ivegot_back
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2021
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I ran into the office this morning and switched the m and n keys on as many keyboards as I could. Some might call me a monster but

The rest are definitely goimg to call ne a nomster.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/razzec_phone
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2021
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Did ya hear about the cheese that's been working out?

Dude's shredded

Edit: Thanks guys for the awards and upvotes!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingDSimon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2022
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My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… he said maybe they’ll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tttestm
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2022
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What's the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_C0mm0ner
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2021
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I'm really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined.

Tuesday is open Mike night!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mcdofras
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2022
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What's the worlds largest ant?

An elephant

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πŸ‘€︎ u/snowboardrob
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2021
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My wife interrupted me while I was singing "Somebody that I used to know". She said I'm too addicted to the song.

And I agree, but she didn't have to cut me off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ice94k
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2021
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I was in a taxi today and the driver said, "I love my job. I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do."

Then I said: "Turn left here."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ENJOYblet
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2022
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Why has the shovel been so popular over the years?

It was a groundbreaking invention.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FitTucker0513
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2021
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How did the Pharaohs convince people to build their monuments?

It was a pyramid scheme.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2022
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I'm looking forward to the Fibonacci convention later this year, it's supposed to be really special..

..and as big as the last two put together.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2022
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Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?

If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jubafish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2022
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''Tis the Season
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thedeadcatsociety
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2021
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I saw two snow plows parked next to each other down the street while their drivers had a quick chat.

I told my wife they were having a plow-wow.

Barely a chuckle. sigh

My sons are three and one so they had no idea what I was talking about.

Had to share with some other fellow dad joke enthusiasts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sprohi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2021
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I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella actually wanted to call it brella...

but he hesitated

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iNeedHealing24_7
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2022
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What's the last thing you hear when a Redneck dies?

"Hey everybuddy, Watch This!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lodiman77
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2022
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T'is the season to be generous
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keith2301
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2021
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My wife is leaving me due to my addiction to horse racing and she's taking the kids.

They're all packed and ready to go, they're at the gate now, and they're off.

EDIT: Thankyou everyone for getting me through this Friday these puns have been ridiculously on form except the one guy that tried to offer counselling advice on a joke thread πŸ™ˆ

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Detroitredwinger
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2021
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You think the Omicron variant is bad?

Because the next one will be 3.14 times worse.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leroysolay
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2021
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Holy Cow! Did you hear about the fight between 2019 and 2020?

2021

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trinitymaster
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2021
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