After this week's bad weather in Texas, there'll probably be a baby boom in nine months.

That snow coincidence.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/engfish
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I’m going to open an ice cream shop in Texas called *Remember the A La Mode*.
πŸ‘︎ 584
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πŸ‘€︎ u/derricko31
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2017
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What do men wear in a Texas synagogue?

A Y'allmulke

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
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The Texas state Aquarium taught a crow to play connect four, too bad they didn't teach it Clue...

I bet it would murder the game.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RufusMoray
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I was in a bar in Texas, when a man walks in wearing a paper cowboy hat, a paper shirt, paper jeans,paper chaps and paper boots.

Anyway, the sheriff burst in and arrested him for rustling.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
How does a senior manager from Texas greet his superior? /r/Big4/comments/jroq6k/h…
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/windsor_ty
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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I'd make a Texas holdem joke

But I think it would be a flop

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotA_Drug_Dealer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
As if 2020 wasn't crazy enough in Texas today, a herd of cows suddenly burst into flames.

Scientists still don't know what the cattle-lyst was.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TigerDiesel
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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I walked into a car showroom in Texas and asked if they had any German cars. The salesman said β€œAudi?” ...

I said β€œHello, do you have any German cars?”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
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Watching the Texas A&M game over the weekend...

a&m punter kicks a 78 yard punt Me: "man that guy has a huge leg" Dad: "and he can kick far too"

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WayTooSWOLE
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2013
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I want to get a tattoo of Texas around my butthole

Cause you don't mess with Texas

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/swampgfox
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I heard there’s a place on the border of Texas and Mexico that is making giant manned robots.

It’s called Tex-Mechs.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mortalfloater
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I saw a magician in Texas the other day. His name was...

Howdini

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skystrike7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I once played Texas Hold Em against a sheet of paper.

It folded.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bonanza86
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a muslim living in Texas?

A yeehawdist

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/machucogp
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
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I was looking at a treehouse with my realtor near the airport in northeast Texas when I asked my realtor...

What is this Dallas-Fort Worth?

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dopeghostandy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2014
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Who is that Texas politician who is on a high fat, low carb diet?

Keto O’Rourke.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hew3
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2018
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Something fishy

Texas Prisoner Found Dead After Consuming Smuggled Fish Eggs. Died on Death Roe.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zu-den-sternen
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2021
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What do you call the frontman of a popular one-man band from Texas?

A lone star.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SimpleMastodon
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2018
🚨︎ report
ringolio comments on [North Texas] Found this guy and a smaller, lighter colored one on my car after a short but hard rain reddit.com/r/whatsthisbug…
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/khayber
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2015
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What is a Texas pharmacist's favorite song?

All my RX's live in Texas.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tawa_Blue
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2017
🚨︎ report
Texas has a brother.

His name is Texbro.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRtHonLaqueesha
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2016
🚨︎ report
In Texas a car passes us with Superman sticker and a Colorado license plate.

I read license plate - "Where do you think he's from?"

Dad - "Well I think he's from Krypton."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cheezy_fingers
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2016
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My dad said that Texas should hold a vote to secede from the United States.

They can call it Texit.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eequalsmc2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2016
🚨︎ report
Did you hear of the film where a woodcutting cult on a small farm in the south?

It's called the Texas Chainsaw Mass-acre.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAzrael2013
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2021
🚨︎ report
A 3 legged dog walks into a bar in Texas. (At dinner tonight)

"I'm lookin' for the guy that shot my paw."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/passionPunch
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2013
🚨︎ report
A Shameless dad joke at Texas Roadhouse

Sister:Excuse me waitress I never got my salad Waitress:Oh I'm sorry it'll be right out Dad:It better not get cold! (hysterical laughing)

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thats-A-Paddlin-
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2014
🚨︎ report
A Little Town In Mexico And Their Love Of Mayonnaise

There was a little town in Mexico, right across the border from Texas. They got a taste for Mayonnaise from the Cowboys crossing the border to eat. Soon they created a festival for their love of Mayonnaise. They’d have every type of mayonnaise you could think of. Folks loved it. The 10th anniversary of the festival was coming up and they decided they wanted to do something special. They heard of a place in England that made the worlds very best. They placed their order and was told it would be shipped overseas to them by boat. Because they had placed such a large order, the only ship capable of carrying it was the Titanic. The folks were waiting excitedly until the morning that the Titanic had hit a iceberg. When the news came that they wouldn’t get their shipment and to honor those lives lost, they decided to rename their festival. It became known as β€œSinko De Mayo.”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedDirtCountryBoy
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
🚨︎ report
One time on a road trip from Texas to New Mexico

Just as we were crossing the border, I look over and see a train crossing the border at the same time as us.

Me: "So if a train is leaving Texas and entering New Mexico, what state is it in?"

Dad: "A state of confusion."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SteelyDanzig
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2013
🚨︎ report
My university's Archery Club asks for an original joke in it's application form ... I think I'm way ahead of the curve to become a dad

My application reads: Why did the German archer refuse to adopt the Euro?

...

Because he missed his mark.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/terb3ar
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2015
🚨︎ report
I’m such a state! What will Della wear to the picnic? And who else will be there? What will we do?

I think Texas coming. What will Delaware? I don’t know, Alaska! Iowa thanks to you for bringing this up! Maybe we can play some Tennessee? Indiana just don’t think we’ll know what to expect. Like last time, we don’t know Michigan.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leehawkins
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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Houston, we have a problem!

Me: What's the one thing they say in space about something being wrong?

Them: "Houston, we have a problem.", right?

Me: Houston isn't here....

He's in Texas.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rainb0_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Dead crows

The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on U.S. Highway 281 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).

The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars.

TxDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"!!!

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Semujin
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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I'm determined to walk with my wife across the second largest state in the USA, even if she wants to walk across the largest.

Regardless if it Texas along time, Alaska.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zippysausage
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Texas Lady

Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action."

""Listen Dude," drawled the lil' Texas lady, "If y'all can hold it in one hand, I ain't interested."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2020
🚨︎ report
The first time my dad met my mom

It was over 30 years ago and they were both in the army.

Dad: "So, where are you from?"

Mom: "I'm from Maine."

Dad: "I'm from Maine, too!"

Mom: "No way! Which part?"

Dad: "Main part of Texas."

She always jokes that she should have walked away at that moment. :-)

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lizonya2013
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2013
🚨︎ report
A man was arrested for visiting every state except for one

He was charged with evading Texas

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cornealeus
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2016
🚨︎ report
My uncle is something else

So my uncle picked me up from my boyfriends after work tonight, and asked how my day went. I explained to him that there was a snake and one of the dogs I take care of was protecting me and trying to warn me about said snake. This is how everything went down:

Uncle: it was probably a gopher snake.

Me: very true. We had a lot of them in Texas so I’m not too worried.

Uncle: you know, that’s how you ask for it.

Me: what do you mean?

Uncle: when you ask for something to eat you say β€˜I could GO-PHER snake right about now’.

Needless to say we finished the ride with more horrid dad jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yjohnson259
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Made a poker table full of strangers groan last night.

I’ve never been so happy to make everyone at a table hate me.

Another player and I were getting into a pretty big pot at the Texas Hold Em table at my local casino last night.

Towards the end of the hand, he went β€œall-in” meaning he bet all of the rest of his chips.

When he pushed his stacks of chips in the middle, there was a really long hair hanging off of the chips that stayed attached to the top of his chip stack.

When the dealer counted up his stack he said β€œthe bet is $205”

And I replied β€œah, so just a hair over 200 dollars then??”

I’ve never wanted kids, but the audible groans I was rewarded with are now making me think I might be ignoring my calling.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScrunchJeans
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
🚨︎ report

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