Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him.
That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
Family's that take nap time seriously.
I spent my twenties with an irrational fear that every time I left the house people were going to leap out of the bushes to take an instant photograph of me.
I realise now that I was merely Polaroid.
Time to take up running
A guy walks into a bar dressed in running clothes and orders a beer. "Hey, Bob, I didn't know you took up running," the bartender says. "I had to," Bob replies. "At my age I figured that was the only way I'd ever hear heavy breathing again."
I used to be a workaholic and take my work home with me all the time
And that’s the story of how I got fired from my job at the bank
I can't take my dog to the park anymore, he gets attacked by ducks every time I we go for a walk.
I guess that's what I get for having a pure bread dog.
I would just like to take the time out of your day to give a shout-out to the sidewalks
For keeping us off the streets….
Space jokes take a lot of time and effort
You have to give an astronomical amount of comet-ment
Doctor, Doctor, every time I take a picture of myself, the bottom of the picture is always foggy. It’s making me really fed up.
That’s because you have low selfie steam.
That’s it, I’ve observed long enough!! Now it’s time to take:
Why do people from West Russia take their time in the bathroom?
Because you don't wanna be Russian while European
Every time we went somewhere to eat, my father would close the menu and say, “I’ll take a turtle soup...
and make it snappy”.
I hated eating anywhere with him, now I think it’s funny. Help, I’m turning into my father.
I'm bothered by lazy geologists who don't take the time to correctly identify rocks...
Sometimes they take this schist for granite.
Flip flops are fun. Every time you take a step....
....it's like a high five for your foot.
Every time I travel to a new city, I like to take a picture of myself in front of the tomes of books...
I just have to take shelfies!
Every time I take pictures of wheat fields
...they always come out grainy.
It’s time I take this to the second hand shop
If you are visiting Rome, be forewarned: it might take you a long time to get out of the city.
All their roads seem to have this weird design flaw.
What do you call it when a teacher watches his class as they take a test and plays online poker at the same time?
Take your time to get all of these
On Saturday, my son confronted me about why I spend time with him on only 1 day of the week, but I spend time with his sister every other day. I told him that I would take him to the movies tomorrow, and he asked if it was 'just because he asked'.
I told him, 'no, because it's Son Day'.
What do you call 100 rabbits in a straight line that take a step back at the same time?
Shrek is trying to take his time
I take my time when choosing a diaper cream...
I don't want to make a quick, rash decision!
I wanted to cook chicken for dinner, but I forgot to take it out of the freezer ahead of time.
It wasn’t a well thawed out plan.
My first-time pregnant wife asks "why does it take so long for me to warm up?"
Without missing a beat I responded, "because you're heating for two now."
I then proceeded to laugh at my own joke. I feel like I'm prepared for my future as a dad.
Now that I have more time, I’ve decided to take care of my health and eat a more balanced diet.
I haven’t dropped any food so far!
My first job was telling golfers how much time a scratch player should take to complete a hole on the golf course...
Everyday I like to take a little bit of time just kind of set it aside and forget about it
That way by the end of the year I'll have a few days to myself
Every day I like to take a little bit of time,kinda set it aside,and forget about it...
That way,by the end of the year,I'll have a few days to myself.
My son isn't keen on getting his haircuts. Every time I take him to the barber's, he questions why he needs his hair cut so often, while I never seem to need mine.
Today, I finally told him, "Because my hair falls out by itself."
I didn't have the heart to say, "You'll understand when you grow up."
It was about the only time male pattern baldness made sense to me.
A man was downsized from his job for the third time in 2 years so he decided to take up horse breeding.
He heard it was a stable job.
Every time someone is taking a picture for my dad he hands them his iphone and says "feel free to take several, I have plenty of film."
When's the best time to take a bath?
Let's all take time to remember a classic.
Whenever someone would say something bad (but true)about Dad, and he would respond with an insulted tone "Hey! I represent that!"
You guys have been great but it's time to take a break
for the rest of the year.
Next time I take my daughter to get yearly check up, I'm keeping my mouth shut
As I approached the counter at my 8 year old's clinic, the nurse asks "are you here for an appointment?" I replied without hesitation & confusion "umm, no my daughter is". The blank stare was enough.
My dad EVERY TIME he goes to take a shower....
> "Alright guys, I'm taking a shower. Anyone have to use the bathroom? Speak up now or forever hold your pee."
> *Smiles*
Every time I go to take a piss...
"Don't take a piss, leave a piss"
Every time I go back to my parents house and am asked to take the bins out.
Me: Where's your bin?
Dad: On holiday.
Me: No where's your wheelie bin?
Dad: I wheelie been on holiday!
Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him.
That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
Every day I like to take a little time,just kinda set it aside,and forget about it.
That way,by the end of the year,I'll have a few days to myself!
Every time I take a shower...
QB: "Hey, do you need to use the bathroom? I'm going to take a shower."
Dad: "Where are you taking it?" cackles
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