my grandfather said this today on the dinner table and i was the only one that found it hilarious for no reason at all

G : what type of apples grow on trees ?

my dumbass : idk red and green ?

G : all of them do

wheezes

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/malikbefine
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
🚨︎ report
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists launch sneak attack on the periodic table.....

Add the element of surprise.

πŸ‘︎ 880
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
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Which one of King Arthur’s knights named the Round Table?

Sir Cumference

πŸ‘︎ 153
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πŸ“…︎ May 18 2021
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My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.

I had to get a running start but I made it.

πŸ‘︎ 394
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2021
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The man who invented the revolving table was probably like:

"This is going to revolutionize tables forever!"

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tres12321
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
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What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?

Sir Loin

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Derpfesty
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2021
🚨︎ report
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"A TOE TRUCK!!??"

πŸ‘︎ 260
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
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I’ve just bought a Van Gogh coffee table... I know it’s genuine because . . .

it has a bit of veneer missing.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
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I went to dinner with a couple of Vikings and they kept tapping on the table and laughing. I finally asked what was so funny and they said:

β€œYou wouldn’t get it, it’s Norse code”

πŸ‘︎ 382
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πŸ‘€︎ u/souphead420
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
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My coffee table used to be owned by Evander Hoyfield ...

I can tell because it's missing a little piece of veneer.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2021
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2 women in a restaurant, when a duck walks in with a huge bunch of flowers. He places them on the table and says,

"You two ladies are so beautiful with sparkling eyes. "

One of the women stopped him, called the waiter over and said, I ordered AROMATIC duck."

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the T-Rex behind the blackjack table get arrested?

He was small arms dealing

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PlumpNuggets
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2021
🚨︎ report
A family is sitting at the dining room table having a nice family dinner, when suddenly...

One thing led to another, and the father and son get into a pretty heated argument.

The son stands up and storms off, headed to his room.

As he is going up the stairs, he yells down to his dad, "Jim Morrison is overrated!!!"

So, the dad screams back, "WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS?!?!?!"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cosmocide
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2021
🚨︎ report
A couple were doing their work on the same table.

The husband picked up a highlighter pen and asked his wife what it was.

"A highlighter pen", said the wife.

"And what is it used for?"

"To mark important thing", the wife answered.

Then the husband drew a huge line on her forehead.

Not the best joke ever but I just came up with it and felt you could do it to your significant other.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ginks_21
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Obi-Wan Kenobi is tired of teaching dinner table etiquettes to Luke

Luke: eating with his hands

Obi-Wan: Use the fork, Luke

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Esmeralda_i
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
🚨︎ report
In coal country there was a highly-regarded regional dish made from the community’s table scraps.

You can’t make it legally anymore though. A judge ruled that all the people supplying food were contributing to the delicacy of a miner.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jester57
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Who was the roundest round knight of the round table?

Sir Cumferance

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Simp_For_WAHHH
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
🚨︎ report
A German guy built a bathroom around his table

Bad um Tisch

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dutch_Midget
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
🚨︎ report
A SQL query goes to a restaurant, walks up to 2 tables and says

"Can I join you?"?

πŸ‘︎ 88
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πŸ‘€︎ u/manantyagi25
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Who was the fattest knight with roundest belly in King Arthur's Round Table?

Sir Cumference

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
🚨︎ report
I went into the kitchen this morning and there was a "Get better soon" card on the table for me. I called out to my wife asking what it was for because I wasn't sick.

She shouted back from the other room "It's an ultimatum."

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report
down under the periodic table.
πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sunflower_44
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Do you know which Knight it was who came up with the Round Table?

Sir Cumference

(My dad's a math teacher)

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hell-si
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
β€œWell, this thing’s all screwed!” Wife shouts as the leg breaks off my handmade dining table today.

β€œDang!” I replied. β€œI really thought I’d nailed it.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend and I were just touring the farmer’s market - she said one of the tables had some red hot chilli peppers, and asked if I wanted some.

I said, only if they’re givin’ β€˜em away, givin’ β€˜em away, givin’ β€˜em away now.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ARCdotcom
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Who was the roundest of King Authur's Knights of the Round Table?

Sir Circumference. He ate too much pi!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
What’s the difference between a molecule of table salt and the late Sean Connery?

One has an ionic bond. The other was the iconic Bond.

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rossum81
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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I think i spent way too much on this table

It is just not a foldable.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/osbomh48
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
🚨︎ report
True story: So we were out today and sat at a table for some food. My 4yo asked what the holes and and notches were in the wood and my wife says β€œthey are knot holes”.

Miss4 says β€œif they are not holes, what are they?”

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DannyGere
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
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I bought a DIY table today. There were no instructions.

It was counter intuitive.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
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Where does a pool table keep its money?

In its pockets

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maccer20
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...

And he said, β€œBecause your mother is always right.”

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Uncle_Bug_Music
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a table whose design can be changed at anytime?

Editable.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KaleBennett
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
So my daughter is clearing the table and holds her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."

"I'm breathing underwater."

I've never been prouder.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
🚨︎ report
With the holidays near, to set a festive atmosphere at your table, be sure you have a shiny chrome plate to hold your condiment sauce. Why?

Because there is no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IranRPCV
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I accidentally stepped on my cats tail. The cat jumped, and I ended up kicking the table pretty hard. β€œOuch!” I yelled

β€œYOU, ow?” The cat replied in disbelief. β€œME-ow”

πŸ‘︎ 131
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keller_rado
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
No matter how bad his career gets, why will you not see Rick Astley waiting tables?

Because he'll never run around and dessert you.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

πŸ‘︎ 134
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Obi-Wan is tired of teaching Luke dinner table manners

Luke: eating with hands, spilling dinner everywhere

Obi-Wan: Use the fork, Luke

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Esmeralda_i
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table.

I had to get a running start but I made it!

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BackwardsMannn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Which one of King Arthur’s knights build the round table?

Sir Cumference!

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xIR0NPULSE
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
🚨︎ report
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"

πŸ‘︎ 18k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"

πŸ‘︎ 176
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Wife: "Can you clear the table."

I had to get a running start, but I managed it.

πŸ‘︎ 104
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Which knight invented the round table?

Sir Cumference

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TabCompletion
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Who built King Arthur's round table?

Sir Cumference.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chihiro_yoru
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report

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