my grandfather said this today on the dinner table and i was the only one that found it hilarious for no reason at all
G : what type of apples grow on trees ?
my dumbass : idk red and green ?
G : all of them do
wheezes
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists launch sneak attack on the periodic table.....
Add the element of surprise.
Which one of King Arthur’s knights named the Round Table?
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
The man who invented the revolving table was probably like:
"This is going to revolutionize tables forever!"
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
I’ve just bought a Van Gogh coffee table... I know it’s genuine because . . .
it has a bit of veneer missing.
I went to dinner with a couple of Vikings and they kept tapping on the table and laughing. I finally asked what was so funny and they said:
“You wouldn’t get it, it’s Norse code”
My coffee table used to be owned by Evander Hoyfield ...
I can tell because it's missing a little piece of veneer.
2 women in a restaurant, when a duck walks in with a huge bunch of flowers. He places them on the table and says,
"You two ladies are so beautiful with sparkling eyes. "
One of the women stopped him, called the waiter over and said, I ordered AROMATIC duck."
Why did the T-Rex behind the blackjack table get arrested?
He was small arms dealing
A family is sitting at the dining room table having a nice family dinner, when suddenly...
One thing led to another, and the father and son get into a pretty heated argument.
The son stands up and storms off, headed to his room.
As he is going up the stairs, he yells down to his dad, "Jim Morrison is overrated!!!"
So, the dad screams back, "WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS?!?!?!"
A couple were doing their work on the same table.
The husband picked up a highlighter pen and asked his wife what it was.
"A highlighter pen", said the wife.
"And what is it used for?"
"To mark important thing", the wife answered.
Then the husband drew a huge line on her forehead.
Not the best joke ever but I just came up with it and felt you could do it to your significant other.
Obi-Wan Kenobi is tired of teaching dinner table etiquettes to Luke
Luke: eating with his hands
Obi-Wan: Use the fork, Luke
In coal country there was a highly-regarded regional dish made from the community’s table scraps.
You can’t make it legally anymore though. A judge ruled that all the people supplying food were contributing to the delicacy of a miner.
Who was the roundest round knight of the round table?
A German guy built a bathroom around his table
A SQL query goes to a restaurant, walks up to 2 tables and says
Who was the fattest knight with roundest belly in King Arthur's Round Table?
I went into the kitchen this morning and there was a "Get better soon" card on the table for me. I called out to my wife asking what it was for because I wasn't sick.
She shouted back from the other room "It's an ultimatum."
down under the periodic table.
Do you know which Knight it was who came up with the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
(My dad's a math teacher)
“Well, this thing’s all screwed!” Wife shouts as the leg breaks off my handmade dining table today.
“Dang!” I replied. “I really thought I’d nailed it.”
My girlfriend and I were just touring the farmer’s market - she said one of the tables had some red hot chilli peppers, and asked if I wanted some.
I said, only if they’re givin’ ‘em away, givin’ ‘em away, givin’ ‘em away now.
Who was the roundest of King Authur's Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Circumference. He ate too much pi!
What’s the difference between a molecule of table salt and the late Sean Connery?
One has an ionic bond. The other was the iconic Bond.
I think i spent way too much on this table
It is just not a foldable.
True story: So we were out today and sat at a table for some food. My 4yo asked what the holes and and notches were in the wood and my wife says “they are knot holes”.
Miss4 says “if they are not holes, what are they?”
I bought a DIY table today. There were no instructions.
It was counter intuitive.
Where does a pool table keep its money?
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
What do you call a table whose design can be changed at anytime?
So my daughter is clearing the table and holds her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
I've never been prouder.
With the holidays near, to set a festive atmosphere at your table, be sure you have a shiny chrome plate to hold your condiment sauce. Why?
Because there is no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
I accidentally stepped on my cats tail. The cat jumped, and I ended up kicking the table pretty hard. “Ouch!” I yelled
“YOU, ow?” The cat replied in disbelief.
“ME-ow”
No matter how bad his career gets, why will you not see Rick Astley waiting tables?
Because he'll never run around and dessert you.
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
Obi-Wan is tired of teaching Luke dinner table manners
Luke: eating with hands, spilling dinner everywhere
Obi-Wan: Use the fork, Luke
My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it!
Which one of King Arthur’s knights build the round table?
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
Wife: "Can you clear the table."
I had to get a running start, but I managed it.
Which knight invented the round table?
Who built King Arthur's round table?
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