My neighbour was a selling a speaker system for just $1. When I asked him why it was so cheap he told me that you cant adjust the sound, the volume is stuck at the loudest setting.

I said "Wow, I cant turn that down"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingSulley
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
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Maybe aliens haven't visited because they checked the reviews on our solar system and only saw 1 star. reddit.com/r/Showerthough…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sirdroftardis8
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
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My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days

I said it must be my weekend immune system

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LuxCassandra
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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I figured out why I am so shy and awkward

A main part of my body is called the nervous system

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pokebandit91
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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I asked you to pretreat those pants, you better not try to make the puppy do it..

or else I'ma start singing "WHO LENT THE DOG ZOUT"

(Alright I think these are out of my system... no promises)

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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Why don't cows get sick?

They have a good immooon system

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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How do you find the right book in a library that was caught in a flood?

Using the mildewey decimal system!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BootsyBootsyBoom
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
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TIL Older forms of English kept Latin’s gender-specific suffixes -tor and -trix; tor is for men and trix is for women. So a male pilot is an aviator, a female pilot is an aviatrix. A male fighter is a gladiator, a female fighter is a gladiatrix.

This contrasts with the modern system, where tor is for both men and women, and trix are for kids.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/neffability
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length…

Must be some kind of milestone…

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2018
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Dewey's doctor has been keeping track of all of his moles. The location and size of them. He's so thorough that he measures them all the way down to tenths.

He called it the Dewey deci-mole system..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanGlerrBOY89
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
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Food contamination warning!

Hope this is the right sub but this is something I need to share. Do not eat peanuts right now, if you do examine them carefully. There has been a fungus that has infected most of the peanut crops in north America. From the outside they look fine but if you bite into the nut you may notice a small black center. By then it's too late. The black center at early stages can cause digestive issues but if the entire nut is black it can cause failure of the nervous system and respiratory complications. There are pests that have laid their eggs in these plants and tiny microorganisms have developed in these plants. They leech into the fruit causing the black color. Ingestion can cause all sorts of troubles from diarrhea to death. These creatures are fatal. That's why you should always watch out for the creature from the black legume.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/prawncracker92
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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3 engineers were arguing about who designed the human body

1: it has to be a CompSci engineer, judging by the brain’s complexity

2: you’re wrong, it was a Mechanics engineer, look at the muscle and skeleton systems working as one

3: you’re both wrong, it was an Urban Planner, otherwise waste and entertainment areas wouldn’t be adjacent.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AstharothaZe
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
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How does the computer programmer order all her books?

By the Dewey Hexadecimal System!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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Scientists have noticed that patients who have the cold feel better on Saturdays and Sundays.

It’s the weekend immune system.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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Imperialically good joke

If the metric system is so smart then why are all of the scientific breakthroughs measured in milestones

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πŸ‘€︎ u/B1tninja
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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The Semi colon is an important part of what?

The Semi-truck’s digestive system

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ra1ds4ad0w
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
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I programed a new application on my robot that simulates anxiety I call it...

The nervous system

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Childhoodcocaine
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
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A short essay on the benefits of beating the shit out of each other β€” A satirical essay based on a single, overplayed pun

In my opinion we should beat the shit out of constipated people because:

  1. Laxatives are an unhealthy way of dealing with feces. On the other hand, beating the shit out of someone is a good way to practice sports activities like, running, grip strength, punching techniques etc.

  2. Other methods of dealing with feces take alot of money. Laxatives aren't cheap in our flawed healthcare system! On the other hand, there are people that are willing to pay you to beat the shit out of you. By using this method you can become richer and deal with your shitty problems.

  3. Constipation requires being in the bathroom for a long time. This can be very lonely for the people involved. However, beating the shit out of others can be done in any place. Your home, the local park, or even the shady street corner! Not only that it's a very social activity, requiring a minimum of at least 2 people, but usually done in groups of 2-5 people.

Although some people might say, that beating the shit out of each other is violent, most of them have never been to a public toilet and hence are unable to realize how much more painful and violent the alternative is.

In summery, beating the shit out of people is a good, legitimate, and affordable alternative to laxatives and is a better, more progressive way, to deal with constipation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/a5paperblank
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
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Scientists found that the nervous system doesn't actually exist.

It's just a lack of the confidence system.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VeggiesForThought
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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I hate most stereotypes.

But the LG LK72B XBOOM Audio System is my favourite.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/darraghq16
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
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The methadone clinic has cancelled urinalysis screenings for the rest of April

Unlike the grocery store, the clinic isn't adopting the "curbside pee-cup" system.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/saltoftree
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
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Two farmers were talking. "Mate, why do all your sheep have those black stripes on their sides?"

" It's my new counting system, see that special collar on me dog, it's got a camera and it scans the sheep as the dog rounds them up. "

"Damn me, what'll they think of next? What's it called?"

"Baa codes mate"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
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Probiotics are a critical part of your diet

The health of your digestive system is too important to leave up to amateur biotics

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πŸ‘€︎ u/linknt01
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
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Orion's Belt is a huge waist of space.

Terrible joke, only 3 stars.

Edit: I've been told there is a triple star system and a binary pair so it may be 6 star joke

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Memelord2131
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2017
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A couple of puns I made up for my dad

Me: Why is Eurovision going to look so good on TV this year?

Dad: Why?

Me: Because it’s 2020


Me: Plumbing is like the digestive system of a house, and turning on the taps is like it going pee.

Dad: Okay?

Me: Let that sink in.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/I-Am-the-Cold
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
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Why haven’t aliens visited yet?

They checked the reviews of our solar system and only saw one star

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iFlyHighh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
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I called to buy tickets for an Elvis tribute act…

It was an automated phone system which said, "Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show…"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2017
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Am I the asshole in this situation?

So a bit of background here, I am fully dependent on my carer. Where he goes, I go. What he eats, I have to eat too. And because of that, if he wants to eat the wrong thing, I suffer.

I have no control over what he feeds us and I can't always tolerate the foods he likes. If he eats food that is too spicy, I yell at him. Like a lot. I've even made him cry a few times. But the thing is, I can't control myself. Every time I talk, it is shit for everyone in my vicinity, especially him. That's why I need him as a carer. I really tried to not give him shit for a couple weeks by not talking at all but he thought it was so bad that I did that he took me to the doctor to force me to keep giving out instead of bottling it all up.

I don't know what to do. I'm literally the end point of his digestive system. Am I the asshole?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiamondChocobos
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
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Pun Help: need funny saying for graduation cap

I’m graduating with my Masters in MIS (Management Information Systems) and am seeking suggestions for punny graduation cap mottos or sayings that I could use related to my MIS Degree. Thanks!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/r00nic0rn
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
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My dad (grandpa): I'm having the solar guy come over today, we're going to redo the whole system.

Me (dad): You're going to redo the whole solar system?

My dad: Yeah, we're gonna put in a new transformer and replace some cable and add some panels.

Me: But where are you gonna put Jupiter?

My son: Daaaaaad!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebardingreen
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
A List of Puns (and other excuses for good humor)

Me: You got the goods?

Dealer: I have an alloy of iron and carbon for only $1.

Me: My, what a steel!

Guy: Hey, wanna hear my joke?

Boxer: I dunno, man. People always say I ruin their punchline.

Teacher: What are the four components of DNA?

Student: Actually, there are five: Adenine, cytosine, guanine, thymine--

Teacher: Oh? And the fifth one?

Student: I got I got I got I got...

Me (metric): Why does America use the imperial system? It's stupid.

Friend (imperial): Actually, other places use the imperial system.

Me: Which other places?

Friend: The Galactic Empire.

Guy: I hate spam.

Me: I like sushi.

Me: I like sushi.

Me: I like sushi.

...

Someone: Son of a gun...

Someone Else: Now you've just pistoled me off!

Okay, I know these are not the greatest puns ever, but this is my first post in this subreddit. Anyway, now here are the explanations:

Joke 1 - An alloy of carbon and iron is popularly referred to as steel, and stainless steel costs $2.41, in which the item receives a 58.51% reduction in cost, which is a mighty bargain, also known as a steal.

Joke 2 - Boxing is a sport in which your only goal is to knock your opponent out through a series of punches. The ending or twist of a joke is commonly referred to as the punchline of said joke.

Joke 3 - Check out Kendrick Lamar's DNA song.

Joke 4 - Troops and personnel of the Galactic Empire from Star Wars are commonly referred to as the Imperials.

Joke 5 - Spam musubi, or just spam, is a type of sushi. On the internet, spam is referred to as the repetition of a specific message, especially when emailing, to annoy or advertise a product/website to someone.

Joke 6 - The phrase, "Son of a gun", is a friendlier alternative to the phrase, "Son of a bitch!" Also, when you annoy someone, that means that you pissed them off, which sounds a bit like "pistoled".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/U2BURR
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
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I'm so anxious ...

... even my central system is nervous!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
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Adopting the metric system would help make US neighborhoods so much more livable

Under the current Imperial system, every three feet is a new yard

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πŸ‘€︎ u/martianrome
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
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I bought a PS4, played it every day, then returned it to Costco after three months.

I really gamed the system.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CSwork1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
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My boss said, β€œI find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”

I said, β€œIt must be my weekend immune system.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My boss asked why I only get sick on work days

I said it must be my weekend immune system

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weiderman316
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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I get sick on work days only

Because I have a weekend immune system

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadow__987
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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For some reason I always get sick during holidays.

I must have a weekend immune system...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GAZUAG
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
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My boss said "I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays."

I said, "It must be my weekend immune system."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ivanshu
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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What part of your body is worried all the time?

The nervous system...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SaltyLemon404
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
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What part of the body has the most anxiety?

The central nervous system.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
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