We should have known this year was gonna suck. We were never gonna end the year as winners. The writing was on the wall. At the end of the year, we should have known we'd be facing the truth-

2021

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πŸ‘€︎ u/krigito
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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My friend told me he likes to suck on women toes.

I said that’s weird, I personally like to suck on mentos.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/privilegedpickle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
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Not sure if this has been posted here before. I found it on Facebook cause I suck.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shiny_Shaymin18
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
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Why are Restaurants on Mars Gonna Suck?

'Cause they'll have no atmosphere

:)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tekochett
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
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If you suck on the trumpet, that's probably why...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GenuinePenguin12
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
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Saw this ad on Reddit. Complex or not, I bet his life sucks... imgur.com/gallery/IwgTH80…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OptimistClimb
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2015
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These seed pods that our daughter keeps tripping on suck!!

Me: yeah, they really are the pits!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/foflexity
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2016
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I was on the bathroom scales, sucking my stomach in.

Thinking I was trying to weigh less with this manouver, my wife commented, "I don't think that's going to help !!"

"Sure it does " I retorted "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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Why are snakes so quiet when sucking on a cough drop?

Because of the anti-HISS-tamine

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πŸ‘€︎ u/citrusguy9
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
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When Scooby Doo gives you a hickey

Dad working on car: β€œgive me that thingamajig...the doohickey” Daughter: β€œSCOOBY DOO didn’t GIVE ME A HICKEY”

Ps, it was much funnier in my head and when I came up with it and told my girlfriend. I didn’t know how to put it in words so it sucks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Supergizmoe
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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I gave my ex wife my old vacuum

Jokes on her the thing really sucked

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πŸ‘€︎ u/handsoffmynuts08
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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A woman sees her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

β€œYou know that’s not going to help, right?” she asks. β€œSure, it will,” he says. β€œIt’s the only way I’ll be able to see the numbers.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/December_Soul
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Little Johnny is in class on day

The teacher asks the class, β€œ there are five birds on a power line, and you shoot two of them, how many are left?”

Johnny replies, β€œ none the rest flew away when they heard the shot.”

The teacher says, β€œ no three are left but I like the way you think.”

So then Johnny says, β€œ let me ask you a question. There are three women eating ice cream, one licking it, one sucking it, and one biting it, which ones married?”

The teacher says, β€œ the one sucking?”

Johnny says, β€œ no the one with the wedding ring but I like the way you think.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnorakBeta
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Some of the gem's of Steven Wright

The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

1 Β  - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2Β Β  - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3Β Β  - Half the people you know are below average.

4Β Β  - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6 Β  - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7Β Β  - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 Β  - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 Β  - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ksbalaji
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
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Gave the wife the bird with this one.

Me- I got rid of the crows that attacked the dog today. I took them to a concert.

Wife- What?

Me- I got 3 of them. I was counting crows....

Wife- stop.

Me- yeah I think I murdered that joke...

Wife- please stop.

Me- looks like I’m eating crow on this one... Wife from the other room- omg are you done yet!?

Me- I’m giving you the bird right now! You humor sucks!

Wife- lol! You are an idiot!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yeoshua82
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
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A struggling young news reporter was having trouble getting good sound bites from the politicians she was sent out to interview, so she invited an experienced colleague out to dinner to ask for advice.

The would-be mentor insisted on going to a seafood restaurant and then he ordered his favorite meal for the both of them. When the hard working, fresh-out-of-journalism-school grad asked the veteran newshound how he always managed to get witty phrases from the Prime Ministers and Presidents he interviewed, a sly smile swam across his face.

Intrigued, she watched intently while he reached for his wallet then removed a €5 note. Holding it toward her face over the table, she was surprised when the greying beat writer dropped the money directly on her uneaten dinner and held an index finger to his closed lips.

As they both looked down at the seafood platter, his paper Euro was suddenly sucked under the rings of fried calamari until it disappeared from sight. After what sounded like a stand-up comedian clearing his throat, a male voice with an Eastern European accent clearly rose out of her food. It said, "Trump asked for dirt on Biden so I sent him some good Ukrainian topsoil."

As the gobsmacked gal with mouth agape slowly raised her eyes to her grinning dinner guest's face, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "squid pro quote".

Required Explanation: "squid pro quote" is a play on words for the saying "quid pro quo", a Latin phrase meaning "something for something". In the news at the time of this posting a tremendous amount of discussion is being circulated about whether or not US president Trump dangled a quid pro quo offer in front of Ukraine's newly elected president, Volodymyr Zelensky. The deal had nothing to do with seafood however, so that was just a red herring. It should also be noted that Mr. Zelensky, before diving into politics, was a stand-up comedian.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/podgress
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
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Advice needed: I was asked to turn on a light bulb.

And I suck at flirting. I’m in the dark on this one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/onejdc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
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I once had a job in a t-shirt factory

I once had a job in a t-shirt factory. Every day, t-shirts would come down the line, and using this big rubber stamp, I’d apply a handful of dots to them, at random, to just given them a general design that wasn’t blank t-shirt. It was soul sucking, but it paid the bills.

However, I kept running into a problem. I wasn’t applying the dots fast enough. It was a mental thing - I’d get hung up on where should I apply the next dot so it doesn’t look bad, etc. But one of the guys who’d been there longer than I had gave me a piece of advice. He told me to cross to my eyes. That way, I could just kinda zone out and hit the t-shirt a few times randomly without paying much attention to where exactly I was applying the dots. It worked like magic.

Well eventually I was getting ready to leave the factory and they had me train my replacement. It only took one day. I left him with one piece of advice. I told him not to get too hung up on the specific details but just to make sure he dotted his tees and crossed his eyes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CoyoteTheFatal
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
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Two friends Bob and Frank are lost in the jungle when they are surrounded by a group of blood thirsty cannibals.

They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing on sacred land and unless they can prove they are descendants of the Gods they will be killed and eaten.

Bob and Frank realize they have little choice but agree they will attempt any test to try to save their lives.

The chief warrior brings them a bowl full of angry fire ants and drops one small seed into the bowl. He informs them they must put their lips in the bowl and suck as hard as they can. If they manage to suck up only the seed without sucking up an ant then the tribe would know they must be sent from the Gods.

Bob looks wearily at Frank but knowing they have no other options he puts his lips in the bowl and sucks hard. He immediately gets a mouth full of ants and screams in pain as they bite away at the inside of his mouth. Frank now even more nervous takes his turn and to his dismay also receives a nasty mouthful of the viscous buggers.

The warriors leap to their feet and surround the friends, β€œNow you must die” declares the chieftain. Just as the first spear is raised to Franks throat he screams β€œTria-Gan!” The warriors stop dead in their tracks. β€œWhat did you say” asked the chief. β€œTria-Gan” yelled frank again. Immediately the chief and his warriors turned and fled into the forest.

β€œHoly shit” said Bob β€œWhat did you just say and how did you know it would work?”

β€œWell” said Frank, β€œmy Mother always told me if at first you don’t suck seed try Tria-Gan.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/usernamemispeled
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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Brain Sucker

I learned this from an old girlfriend's dad when he did it to her little sister.

Dad: Puts his hand on top of kid's head and squeezes to imitate a rhythmic suction. Then he says "You know what this is?"

Kid: "No what?"

Dad: "It's a brain sucker, you know what it's doing?"

Kid: "Sucking my brain."

Dad: "Nope! It's starving!"

This one gets me every time!

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/beat1706
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2014
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My first dad joke as a new father!

I was with my wife in the hospital after the birth of my first child.

Wife: It's crazy how she knows to suck on my boobies for food.

Me: Of course she knows. She wasn't born yesterday!

She shook her head and stopped talking to me. I have succeeded.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CleanFlow
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2016
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How Do You Succeed?
  1. go to Walmart and buy some plant seeds.
  2. take them out of the bag.
  3. suck on them. (Suc - ceed) - suck seed.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lordofvibes
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad texts me jokes about once a week. Here are about 30 of my favorites.
  • What's the difference between mononucleosis and herpes? You get mono from snatching kisses.

  • If you were to lose your left arm, you'd be all right.

  • Why can't you hear a pteradactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.

  • Communists only write in lower-case letters because they hate capitalism.

  • I got a new job at the police sketching pictures of suspects. I'm a con artist.

  • Cat Woman's real name is Catherine Woman.

  • I have a new cat joke. ...Just kitt'en.

  • How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for Fresh Prints. *

  • Did you hear about the two men who stole a calendar? They got six months each.

  • I just saw an Apple store get robbed. Does that make me an iWitness?

  • Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

  • I'm moving to Seoul. I was told it would be a good Korea move.

  • Did you hear about the professor who was killed in a car accident? He was grading papers on a curve.

  • Why isn't an iPhone charger called Apple Juice?

  • Ever try to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

  • When Peter Pan throws punches, they Never Land.

  • I was struggling to understand how lightning works, but then it struck me.

  • Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time, too.

  • Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the moon, and then follow up with, "Ah, I guess you had to be there."

  • I'm going to make a TV series about a plane hijacking. We just shot the pilot.

  • Would you call a drunk working at an upholstery a recovering alcoholic?

  • Yesterday I got covered in ketchup from my head tomatoes.

  • Even though I've gone bald, I still keep the same comb I've had for 20 years. I just can't part with it.

  • Picture of my sister after getting her nose pierced "She nose something!"

  • I went to the dentist and showed him my cavity. He told me to pull up my pants and get the hell out.

  • Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It was okay - he woke up.

  • So what if I can't spell armageddon. It's not the end of the world.

  • When you get an infection, urine trouble.

  • "Hey waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" "Yes, sir; it's fresh ground."

  • How did the butcher introduce his wife? "Meat Patty."

  • Elton John is a great piano player, but he sucks on the organ.

  • Elton John wrote a tribute to Amy Winehouse: Candle Under the Spoon *

  • What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke. *

*My absolut

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhenIm6TFour
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2014
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Vacuum wasn't working so well.

So I put a ford sticker on it, to make it suck more.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gilaga
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2017
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I'm taking an improv class [shaggy dog]

and today, we were playing a game of "Yes, Let's!" If you're unfamiliar, that's a group improv exercise where one person says "Let's do a thing!" and everybody else replies "Yes, let's!" and then proceeds to act out the scene. After acting out said scene, somebody freezes, then everybody freezes, and then someone else starts one.

In this case, it was "Let's go to a Michael Jackson tribute concert!" Now, we'd just been coached to assume distinct roles in an attempt to construct a coherent narrative, and so I, as an awkward, scrawny, blond white man, slipped effortlessly into the role of a shitty Michael Jackson impersonator. And I must have been doing something right, because the rest of the group quickly formed a scene as the audience, security, and crew, and stupidity ensued as I sucked at being Michael Jackson for all I was worth.

A few people started heckling, and then one of the audience members barged past security and mimed punching me in the head, whereupon I dramatically spun and dropped to the floor with a resounding THUD (knowing how to fall is a useful skill). The reaction was about a third laughs, a third stage-gasps, and a third just confusion. But I did get a few compliments after the exercise on my impression and my theatrics.

So I'd say that was a pretty big hit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/teuast
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2017
🚨︎ report
Here are some good ones

Doctor:"I've finished the diagnosis, you have ten to live" Patient:"Ten? Ten what? Months? Weeks?" Doctor:"Nine"


At the boomerang shop:"I would like to buy a new boomerang please, also could you tell how to throw the old one away"


Two elephants see a totally naked guy. After sometime one says to the another:"I don't get it, how does he feed himself with that?"


Patient:"Oh doctor, I'm so nervous, this is my first operation" Doctor:"don't worry, mine too"


A naked women robbed a bank, nobody could remember her face


A women in bikini shows almost 90% of her body, yet men are so polite they only look at the covered parts


"Grandpa, why don't you have any life insurance?" Grandpa:"so that all of you can be really sad when you die"


Dentist:"this is gonna hurt a bit" Patient:"OK" Dentist:"I've been having an affair with your wife"


Men 1845: I just killed a Buffalo Men 1952: I just fixed the roof Men 2018: I just shaved my legs


A women caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking his stomach. "That won't help you ,joe, you know?" "Oh it helps a lot" says the man"it's the only way I can see the numbers"


"Honey, why did you build the child's bed so high?" "We can hear it better if he falls out"


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πŸ‘€︎ u/Black_Mutant
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2018
🚨︎ report
Got my dad today with one of the oldest Dadjokes in the book.

My parents got me a vacuum for Christmas. I got it out of the box today and tried it out while they were getting groceries.

My dad comes home and sees the vacuum sitting out and asked if it worked alright.

"It really sucks!"

He looked worried for a second and I just started laughing. He finally caught on and he let out a groan.

One of the oldest ones in the book, but I was proud of it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Emperor_of_Cats
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2014
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I also got dadjoked by my son this week. Twice. He's 12.

1st - "Hey dad, how come nobody can come up with a good, stable news channel on tv?"

"What do you mean?"

"Every one you watch say their news is breaking!"


2nd - We were having dinner and my 15 year old mentioned that something or other 'really sucked!'

The 12 year old responded with "not really, that doesn't really suck, you know what does?"

... silence

"A vacuum cleaner, that really sucks!"

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FerretFarm
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2015
🚨︎ report
So there's this abusive boss at my Dad's work, right...

And he's not letting anyone go home at reasonable hours or take leave until the big project's . He's been working early mornings and late nights . It's been going on for weeks. they're all tired and homesick. I haven't had a meal with him at home all month which really sucks because he was a great laugh at dinner time. Even when I do see him he's too overworked to even think straight.

Anyway, yesterday Phil, one of his workmates had a brilliant plan.

He turned to my Dad and said to him; "I've had enough of this crap, I'm going home and calling in sick for the next couple of days!"

My dad is amazed. "Phil!" he says, "You can't do that - you'll get sacked!"

"Don't worry, mate," says Phil, "I've got it all worked out." tapping his nose. Out of the blue he reaches up and grabs the ceiling fan (It was off) and hangs upside down from it. My dad has no idea what's going on and tries to ask him, but Phil doesn't answer.

Eventually the boss walks in and asks "Phil - what the Hell are you doing?"

"I'm a lightbulb." replies Phil.

The boss is surprised and realises the guy needs to go home and sends him off for a couple of days. All of a sudden my Dad gets up too and walks away.

"What do you think you're doing?" says the boss.

"You don't expect me to work in the Dark do you?" replies my Dad.

πŸ‘︎ 126
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toggle2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2013
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Driving through Florida with my parents when we see a cow field...

"It must suck to be a cow in Florida, they're probably really hot" said my mom.

"Yeah probably, but not as hot as they'll be when they're on the grill!" replied dad.

Classic dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gsheedy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2016
🚨︎ report
Girlfriends mother becomes Dad

In the car with girlfriend and her parents talking about summer jobs

Me: "You could be a cleaner! How do you go on a vacuum cleaner?"

GF's Mum: "She sucks!"

Me: Slow Claps

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/me_he_te
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2016
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Got my friends at the climbing gym

We were looking at the routes on a slab wall and I said "Falling off always sucks, but on THAT wall, it's just a slab in the face."

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CronoZero15
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2016
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Brain reassured me with a dad joke last night

I was on a country highway on my bike, when the thought randomly struck me that it would suck if a deer suddenly jumped out and hit me at 120mph. My newly-wed but not yet dad brain gently and immediately reminded me that deer cannot move 120mph. Thanks brain.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aDAMNPATRIOT
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2015
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Really proud of my first one as a dad

When talking about breastfeeding our newborn and how he has been sooooo gassy:

Grandma (my mom): the sucking helps to relax the colon so that will help.

Me (new dad): I'll be damned if you think I'm going to suck on his colon

Cue groans and a slap upside my head.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nalybuites
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2015
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My Dad's phone just rang and he ignored it, I asked who it was...

Dad-"It was work"

Me-"That sucks"

Dad-"I'm like a fly, I'm always on duty!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2016
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When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, β€œHa! That’s not going to help!”

β€œSure, it does.” I said. β€œIt’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
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My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach.

Ha! That’s not going to help, she said. Sure, it does, I said. Its the only way I can see the numbers.

πŸ‘︎ 88
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBigReeeeee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. β€œHaΒ­Β­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

β€œSure, it does,” I said. β€œIt’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobRoy333
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
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My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach...

β€œHaΒ­Β­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

β€œSure, it does,” I said. β€œIt’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2016
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My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach...

β€œHaΒ­Β­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

β€œSure, it does,” I said. β€œIt’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2017
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My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach

β€œHaΒ­Β­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

β€œSure, it does,” I said. β€œIt’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinzaArshad
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
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