Why, the defeat of the hun army and the safety of China of course!
grow a pear
Not very. It makes cents.
That's my victorious secret.
Dedication and hard twerk.
It's their Denmark.
So far, my attempts are fruitless.
Coronation Day
Seeing this, a robber sneaked past, and when the boss ended up being in the next room, the boss asked, “how’d you get past security?” In response to this, the robber said “you let your guard down.”
..and as big as the last two put together.
'Eye-do'
This is my first post pls don't kill me lol.
The people in the comment section is why I love this subreddit!!
Cred once again my sis wants credit lol
Japan.
"No, the regular kind!" I laughed.
Carrabba’s.
That was the punchline
They dilate
Not even remotely.
She added giggling: you will take ages to log off.
He said, “Change the batteries in your hearing aid”.
Hip, hip, hurray!
Alzheimer, Grandma, it's Alzheimer.
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
He’s basically one big banner
Boss: Is your car with the mechanic?
Me: Car?
So she decided to steel it
That’s not a lizard, the store clerk told me. That’s a stand-up chameleon
..to find exactly 32 of them.
The difference is staggering.
He’s outstanding in his field.
She said, "Airplane? What is it?"
"It's a classic spoof film from the 1980s but that's not important right now."
I'll probably screw it up.
http://m.imgur.com/ImM3RWz
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
It ended up being a tie
Someone posted it about a weak back.
I will find you. You have my Word.
She said how do you know he was headed to work?
Me: “why?”
Son: “Because he had noBODY to dance with”
He’s ten and says he came up with it on his own. I’m so proud.
Some might say I'm a monster. But others will say I'm a nomster
Incidentally, Free Masons are not what they sound like.
You should get a miner instead.
It's called a "Xere-ox."
Me: Can we change the subject?
My wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
I guess you could say the steaks were high
Nothing ,she just Waves
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
