Staff management Puns

After inspecting his room, he comes back to the hotel manager saying, "I would like six forks and a sheet" after noticing the absence of those items in his room.

He gets kicked out.

"Why did you kick him out?" says one of the hotel staff.

"He told me he wanted sex, fucks, and a shit!"

"Should I have chicken, soup, or pizza?"

"Absolutely. Chicken Super Pizza sounds awesome."

I was 16 and at a rowing regatta I was competing in. It was middle of the day and very hot everyone was under these massive gazebo/tent structures with big guide wires and these huge rusty steel tent pegs sledgehammered into the dirt.

Anyways I was running late for my race and my crew were yelling at me so I started running. The shortest way was through the spectator area on a big downhill towards the water so at full pace I went that way.

About halfway the top of my barefoot trips on the rusted top of one of these steel pegs and I fall face first and tumble through the dirt with my foot and ankle split open.

People run from all directions, medical staff etc someone holds a towel over my head for shade and I see my dad. He's looking down at me but it's hard to see through the dirt in my eyes and people around.

He asks "bloody hell mate, what happened?".

In agony I manage a "I kicked a tent peg".

He knelt down beside me, looked me in the eye and said "how far did it go?"

So a teenage daughter got her first job as a waitress. When she gets home from her first day she tells her parents about it. She's really excited that they get fed at work. The manager told her, "Around here we call dinner 'D', so when the staff dinner is ready the kitchen will call out, 'D is ready' and you can grab dinner on your next break.". She tells her parents, "So I asked 'how much D do the waitresses get?" Dad interrupts with "Just the tip!"