I asked the nurse giving me my covid vaccine if she moonlights as IT

because she seems really good at installing antivirus!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/APDeath99
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Because of the covid-19 lockdowns, every morning for the past year, I announce proudly to my family that I’m going for a jog… and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2021
🚨︎ report
No one in Antarctica has Covid-19

Its because they are ICE-O-LATED

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ssr0203
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I wish Covid-19 had started in Las Vegas.

Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArtosThunder
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Yesterday I received my second round of the Russian covid-19 vaccine...

It appears completely safe, with ΠΈo side effects whatsoeveя, and I feelshΞΊΞΉ Ο‡oρoshό я Ρ‡ΡƒΠ²ΡΡ‚Π²ΡƒΡŽ сСбя Π½Π΅ΠΌΠ½ΠΎΠ³ΠΎ странно ΠΈ я Π΄ΡƒΠΌΠ°ΡŽ, Ρ‡Ρ‚ΠΎ Π²Ρ‹Ρ‚Π°Ρ‰ΠΈΠ» ослиныС ΡƒΡˆΠΈ.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
🚨︎ report
What covid vaccine did Sagat from Street Fighter take?

Pfizer! Pfizer! Pfizer!

Sagat Tiger

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChadRStewart
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
🚨︎ report
How would Karl Marx react to Covid 19?

He would practice socialist distancing.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bbew_Mot
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Told my kid that I was taking my Mom to a Covid Vaccine event at the convention center.

They said, β€œOh, a mass shooting.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Videoptional
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Petco has a new Covid vaccine for animals & humans. In tests, some people have reported excessive hair growth on their hands. I'm going to get it anyway...

but it does give me paws.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Told my luggage there won’t be any vacations because of COVID-19

Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thisDiff
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Negative

True story, I work in the health industry, get to ask these questions from time to time:

Me: Good morning (of course no matter what time of day it is)! I have 4 questions for you, let’s see if you studied for the test...

Patient: (most of the time, chuckle)

Me: Have you had a fever in the last 48 hours?

Patient: No

Me: Have you had a persistent cough recently?

Patient: No

Me: Have you been tested for COVID-19 recently?

Patient (sometimes): Yes

Me: Do you know the results of the test?

Patient (about 85% of the time): Negative

Me: You don’t know the results of the test? (Straight face behind mask)

Patient: It was negative

Me: (smile and chuckle showing through mask)

Patient: Ohhhh! I get it! (Laughs 95% of the time)

Me: Dad jokes have to happen... πŸ™‚

/insert question #4 here, unrelated to said joke... heh

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cidici
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm on the fence about the COVID-19 vaccine, but the free stuff you can get for showing your vaccination card looks really nice.

I guess it's worth a shot.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ixfd64
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did Dwayne β€˜The Rock’ Johnson’s family get tested for COVID-19

They couldn’t smell what the rock was cooking.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/potato_fish12
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I tried to tell my vaccinated friend a COVID joke.

But he didn't get it

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/majestic_walrus1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend found out she was pregnant shortly after getting her covid vaccine

I'm calling it the Inoculate Conception

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/supra_elongata
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Apparently the COVID vaccine causes constipation

When I got mine the other day they told me I had to wait 3 weeks to get number 2.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oscargamble
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
🚨︎ report
The second COVID vaccine causes a speech disorder in Spanish speakers

They keep asking for dose dos

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheJadedSF
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Story: Lasting after effect of COVID-19

True story. Happen about 2 hrs ago.

Back trying. My wife and I both work in the medical field. She runs hospital employee health dept, and I’m the dental director for a public health agency.

My wife had Covid-19 in January. We were talking about the long term, later effects of Covid on people’s health.

Wife: I wonder what the residual effects of Covid-19 are. My left ear hasn’t been right since I had Covid.

Me: Well of course not.

Wife: Why? What have you heard?

Me: Well your left ear can’t feel right. It’s your left ear.

Wife: God, why did I marry you 33 years ago?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Divinepyramid
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
🚨︎ report
The spread of Covid 19 is based on 2 factors....
  1. How dense the population is.

  2. How dense the population is.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to push fluids when I got my covid vaccine

I sent her this

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wreckingjew
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I finally got the Covid vaccine yesterday and as I was driving I noticed my vision was blurry. I called the vaccination center and asked if I should go to the doctor or hospital. They said no.

But they encouraged me to immediately return to the vaccination center to pick up my glasses.

πŸ‘︎ 114
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
🚨︎ report
I just got the COVID 19 vaccine. I went into the clinic macrohard

I left feeling microsoft

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stubchubb
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Chuck Norris didn't have to the the vaccine

COVID had to vaccinate against Chuck Norris

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sal_Mandeni
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
🚨︎ report
I waited all afternoon to get my Covid vaccine in our small remote village, by the time it was my turn, they were administering them by candlelight...

I’m really not sure how effective they are, seems as if they are a shot in the dark.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Johnson&Johnson just announced that M&M will be the spokesman for their new Covid vaccine commercial...

Cuz you only get one shot, do not miss your chance to go. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
🚨︎ report
My Dad got his Covid vaccine in his leg

His Pfizer killing him

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Premier55
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
The power went out when I got my COVID vaccine, and I got lost in the building.

It was a shot in the dark, but I found it!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/meltingavocado
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I told my wife I was going to accompany her to get her Covid Vaccine, and see if they could do mine as well. She said they probably wouldn't. I replied, "I don't know..."

"It's worth a shot!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRockingDead
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Those who think the COVID-19 vaccine will modify their DNA

Should see it as an opportunity

πŸ‘︎ 90
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wibie90
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Went for my covid vaccine today

The covid tester asked if I had experienced a sudden loss of taste. I said no, I always dress this way

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/den_nis3524
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I got a fake medical ID made to get the COVID vaccine, but I was rejected

It was worth a shot.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/inTRONet
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Scientists in Dublin are assisting in the research for a covid vaccine.

They are known as the Fighting Virish

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SplashbackDeuce
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
One of my colleagues has just told me he’s caught COVID-19 from his cat...

Don’t ask meow.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cheifsup
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
We shouldn’t be making jokes about COVID 19

They’re tasteless.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deedubya8
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
COVID-19 is not a joke and should be taken seriously

A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards that he wrongly believed he'd won an election that he actually lost by 7 million votes.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.

If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
If this new covid vaccine works...

...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weirdgroovynerd
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter

I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/itmightbedave
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Me, to my wife: They said that the Covid vaccines are safe and has no side effects.

My wife: Who did?

Me: Yep.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I really hope Santa can figure out how to make all his deliveries this year due to Covid-19......

I hear he just ran out of santa-tizer

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/darthchris
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does nobody in Antarctica have Covid-19?

Because they're too ice-o-lated

πŸ‘︎ 274
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Salman_R
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Why doesn't Santa Claus have to worry about catching COVID-19?

Because he has Santa-bodies.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeefEater81
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report

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