Communism sounds good on paper, but I'm not sure I'd trust it to work...
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︎ Jun 25 2020
They probably sound really good
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︎ Oct 02 2019
Up next: How to sound good in a band. Stay Tuned!!
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︎ Dec 18 2018
A struggling young news reporter was having trouble getting good sound bites from the politicians she was sent out to interview, so she invited an experienced colleague out to dinner to ask for advice.
The would-be mentor insisted on going to a seafood restaurant and then he ordered his favorite meal for the both of them. When the hard working, fresh-out-of-journalism-school grad asked the veteran newshound how he always managed to get witty phrases from the Prime Ministers and Presidents he interviewed, a sly smile swam across his face.
Intrigued, she watched intently while he reached for his wallet then removed a โฌ5 note. Holding it toward her face over the table, she was surprised when the greying beat writer dropped the money directly on her uneaten dinner and held an index finger to his closed lips.
As they both looked down at the seafood platter, his paper Euro was suddenly sucked under the rings of fried calamari until it disappeared from sight. After what sounded like a stand-up comedian clearing his throat, a male voice with an Eastern European accent clearly rose out of her food. It said, "Trump asked for dirt on Biden so I sent him some good Ukrainian topsoil."
As the gobsmacked gal with mouth agape slowly raised her eyes to her grinning dinner guest's face, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "squid pro quote".
Required Explanation: "squid pro quote" is a play on words for the saying "quid pro quo", a Latin phrase meaning "something for something". In the news at the time of this posting a tremendous amount of discussion is being circulated about whether or not US president Trump dangled a quid pro quo offer in front of Ukraine's newly elected president, Volodymyr Zelensky. The deal had nothing to do with seafood however, so that was just a red herring. It should also be noted that Mr. Zelensky, before diving into politics, was a stand-up comedian.
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︎ Nov 07 2019
I guy walks into a bar and says, "I'll have an H2O!" The guy next to him thinks that sounds good, so he says, "I'll have an H2O, too!"
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︎ Oct 13 2019
What do you call an infomercial that sounds to good to be true?
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︎ Oct 03 2017
"Does spaghetti sound good tonight?"
I guess, but I really hope it tastes good.
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︎ Nov 13 2013
Punishments
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︎ Mar 13 2021
Did you hear about the mermaid who liked math?
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︎ Mar 16 2021
A reporter interviewed a 103-year old woman: โAnd what is the best thing about being 103?โ the reporter asked.
The woman simply replied, โNo peer pressure.โ
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︎ Feb 12 2021
Guys, I have been thinking about selling my Theremin.
I haven't touched it in years.
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︎ Feb 07 2021
Why do bouncers throw violent drunks out the back door?
Because they belong behind bars.
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︎ Feb 16 2021
9yo shared this one with me: What do you call a cow who just had a baby?
De-calf-inated!
Edit: it's been pointed out some people pronounce calf as cฤlf, so its taking a second. Pronounce it like decaffeinated coffee.
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︎ Feb 24 2021
Not to brag, but yesterday I beat our local chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school Karate lessons came to some use.
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︎ Feb 20 2021
last gift on birthday
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︎ Jan 28 2021
I had to borrow my friendโs trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous!
I didnโt want to toot my own horn.
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︎ Jun 23 2020
My friend claims the he accidentally glued himself to his autobiography, but I donโt believe him.
But thatโs his story, and heโs sticking to it.
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︎ Jan 11 2021
You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?
Probably not, they've never had a hit.
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︎ Dec 07 2020
Long live Rudolph the red
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︎ Dec 06 2020
What is the difference between a radius and a diameter?
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︎ Jan 16 2021
Why did the Cows return to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
Edit: Thank you for the awards.
I was expecting this to go noticed like most of my other posts. You peeps rock!
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︎ Jan 16 2021
My son said, โI accidentally put ketchup in my eye. I should have been more careful.โ
I said, โThatโs Heinz sight for you.โ
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︎ Feb 13 2021
I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines.
He's a Singer songwriter, or sew it seams.
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︎ Dec 15 2020
Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins?
You just have to listen varicosely
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︎ Nov 09 2020
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
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︎ Oct 22 2020
Was watching Arrested Development the other day and my girlfriend made a groaner of a dad joke.
Lucille: โI have to get Dusty ice cream.โ
GF: โDusty ice cream doesnโt sound very goodโ
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︎ Feb 25 2021
Old Gold
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︎ Oct 09 2020
We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."
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︎ Sep 01 2020
Have you heard the band 1023 Megabits?
They don't sound quite good enough to get a gig yet.
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︎ Feb 12 2021
Two women were sharing the same ID card
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︎ Sep 12 2020
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes...
You need to let that mango.
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︎ Jul 20 2020
My son asked: โDad, have you seen my sunglasses?โ
I replied: โNo son, but have you seen my dad glasses?โ
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︎ Aug 17 2020
How did the Nazis get their money?
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︎ Dec 14 2020
This sounded better in my head but it's still pretty good. :)
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︎ Mar 08 2017
my friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'.
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︎ Jul 26 2020
Last Thursday my son was moping around and I told him, if you think Thursdays are sad, just wait two more days. He asked why?
Because it'll be sadder day.
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︎ Jul 28 2020
My wife sent me a heartwarming text that read, โIf you're sleeping, send me your dreams. If you're laughing, send me your smile. If you're eating, send me a bite. If you're drinking, send me a sip. If you're crying, send me your tears. I love you!โ
I replied, โI'm on the toilet, please adviseโฆโ
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︎ Jun 15 2020
My friend is making a lot of easy money by taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.
Itโs like shooting fish in apparel.
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︎ Jun 21 2020
Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?
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︎ May 22 2020
My daughter really changed a lot after becoming a vegan.
Itโs like Iโve never seen herbivore.
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︎ May 18 2020
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff...
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︎ May 08 2020
I got into an argument with someone I thought was a "birds aren't real" supporter. I'm an idiot; they were just messing with me and they made some amazing bird puns along the way that deserve attention. The link to the post is in the comments so you can go give the user karma and see the context.
https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282
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︎ Sep 09 2020
This sub is going downhill
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︎ Mar 13 2020
Oops
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︎ Mar 18 2020
I've just been offered a job as a human chess piece...
The money is good.
I'm on knights this week.
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︎ Oct 26 2020
My friend in Germany says that there has been panic buying of sausages and cheese . . .
It's the Wurst Kรคse scenario
Credit: Twitter, Bruce Lawson (@brucel)
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︎ Mar 18 2020
My 11yo daughter just made up a joke. What do politicians thing of themselves?
That they're politicool...
Im biased but i think its genius
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︎ Mar 04 2020
My dad said if he see me browsing reddit again, he'll smash my head to the keyboard
I guess hezsjkfowgajqjhsjwkwlsvvcaxxacfasuoc
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︎ Mar 07 2020
What's a thousand times better than Instagram?
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︎ Jan 10 2020
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