You shouldn’t make “stereotype” jokes, such as something about rednecks marrying their sisters.
Only a few of the rednecks I know actually bother to get married.
I would tell you something about our fridge.
But it’s really chilling.
Do you want to learn something about the man who has amnesia?
Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door this morning. I invited them in asked if the wanted something to drink and eat, both said yes. After finishing their Coffee and Cake I said " so what would you like to talk about?"
They said "We don't know we've never got this far".
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "How about something to eat?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "What about some peanuts?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
Can you tell me something about modern philosophy?
"Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?"
Waitress:
slaps me right across the face
"The men I please are none of your damn business!"
are you going to do something about that leech?
A chemist walks into a bar and finds one of his friends in his usual spot. The chemist asks his friend to move to a different seat. His friend, says, “I suppose you’ve displaced me.” The chemist smiles and is about to say something but stops for a moment then says,
“I was going to make a chemistry joke but I was afraid you wouldn’t react.”
My wife asked if I wanted to hear about her day. I replied, “Sure, I’m on pins and needles. But I have to ask you something first.”
“Why did you leave your sewing kit on the couch?”
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
Did you hear about the mummy that came down with something?
He became a sarcoughphagus
(This is my first dad joke post And I know its not very good, If you have ideas on how to improve Id love to hear them!)
I learned something new about cemeteries; the people in its town aren't the ones being buried there. Do you know why?
It's because they're still alive.
If you’re thinking about doing something illegal oil yourself up first.
That way you’re a smooth criminal.
What’s something you question about a clown that farts?
Do you want to know something about rocks?
What do you say to someone who has been on the moon when you feel bad about something?
>You Apollo-gize
(From my son today, he has improved astronomically over the past few years.)
I would tell you something about your internal organs but...
...You wouldn’t get it; it’s an inside joke.
Sister: Did you hear about that actress who stabbed someone? Reese something or other?
Me: Witherspoon?
Sister: No! With a knife!
Did you hear about the penny that was forced to do something against its will?
It did not give con cent.
My 2 year old daughter was having a tantrum. I yelled "I'll give you something to cry about!". She wailed louder.
So I handed her a knife and an onion.
You want to know something about drugs?
They can sometimes meth up your life.
Did you hear about the engineer who had a crazy reasoning for doing something?
I told my son today, "Here's something you might not have known about me, I can cut wood by just looking at it."
He replied, "I don't believe you, but would you care to elaborate?"
I answered, "Its true! I saw it with my own eyes!"
If you’re trying to get your point across about something, try adjusting the decibel level of your voice up and down while talking.
It will speak volumes to people.
I learned something today. When the news anchor says, “If you know anything about the crime, call the police,”
The cops get super pissed if you call them and re-tell the news story.
Take everything you know about bread and throw it out the window. Now let me tell you something about this new thing I made...
You want to know something about cooking eggs?
You know something about birds....
They are a real blessing in disguise.
Did you hear about the actress that just killed herself? Reese....Reeese something-
-Witherspoon?!
Thanks dad.
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "How about something to eat?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "What about some peanuts?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
"Waitress,can I ask you something about the menu please ?"
Waitress: [slaps me a good one across the face] "The men I please are none of your business !"....OOF
I was at a restaurant and said to the waitress ”Excuse me, can I ask you something about the menu please?”
She kicked me out and said “The men I please are none of your business!”
I was at a restaurant and said to the waitress ”Excuse me, can I ask you something about the menu please?”
She kicked me out and said “The men I please are none of your business!”
Did you hear about that actress who got stabbed last night? Reese something....
"witherspoon?"
"No, with a knife!"
Me: Did you hear about that actress getting stabbed to death last night? What's her name, Reese something or other?
Wife: Witherspoon?
Me: No, with a knife.
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