My friend decided he wants to be a podiatrist even though I tried to talk him out of it.
I guess he's put his foot down.
Yesterday, there was a battle between the Pot Heads and the straight people of society....
What do English bakers and Spanish podiatrists have in common?
A secret society of pranksters is called illuminaughty
What do priests and podiatrists have in common?
Did you know that your local podiatrist knows all the town rumors and gossip?
It's their job to know what's a foot.
Man walks into a shop and picks up a can of bug spray
The man asks "is this good for wasps?"
The cashier says "no sir, it kills them"
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?"
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"
"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.
"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...
It’s kind of sad that Christianity, Judaism, and Islam have been fighting each other for centuries.
Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.
Why did I stop and take a shot of vodka when I was running late to work?
That's what I do when I'm Russian
I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee.
They said it was grounds for termination.
If Mary is the mother of Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God
Does that mean that Mary had a little lamb?
A man attends a funeral for his best friend. He approaches the grieving widow, gestures to the podium and asks; "May I say a word?" The widow responds "Of course.."
The man stands up and speaks "Plethora." and steps back down.
"Thank you..." says the Widow, "that really means a lot."
EDIT The responses here are incredible! 👌
What starts with me, ends with me, and though often makes people laugh, will be the downfall of society?
I built a model of Mt.Everest and my son asked, "Is it to scale?" I replied "No."
A lot of people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology.
I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.
My wife called me at work and told me one of our envelopes is giving her an attitude
I told her I will address it when I get home
My dad's doctor didn't show to two of his appointments. He asked for another podiatrist...
He said he didn't want to get off on the wrong foot with him.
The local bartender moved his pub to the summit of a mountain and the quality of his drinks improved
He really raised the bar on that one
If a one L Lama is a holy man and a 2 L Llama is a beast of burden, what is a three L Llama?
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Sibling humor, the backs of two ocean-themed quilts for my baby bro's new son and daughter.
The first letter of the sign of a derelict hotel fell off and killed a man.
What a sexist society we live in, today is National Daughter's Day and it's celebrated once a year.....
But we celebrate Son day every week!
Disney just announced a Star Wars and Pirates of the Caribbean crossover
I'm looking forward to seeing Arrgghh-2-D2.
What do you call an alligator that shows up suddenly and out of nowhere?
I was reading the history of the French Revolution, and just found out what happened to Louis XVI ‘s head.
I just got kicked out of the flat earth society
I asked if the 6 feet social distancing guidelines pushed anyone over the edge.
A coworker of mine spilled boiling hot coffee on my leg and had the nerve to ask where it hurts
While talking about Tommy Hilfiger and the prices of Tommy Hilfiger. I randomly did this
A man bursts into his therapist's office and yells, "Doc, you gotta help me! I keep dreaming that I'm stuck inside a deck of cards!"
The therapist looks up from his paperwork, looks at the man, and says, "I'm busy at the moment, so I'll deal with you later."
We had a potato cannon once. We had some dumpster bread. We were shooting it full of grass, bread and leaves....
Technically our cannon "shoots eats and leaves".
(As in the oxford comma panda assassin... that "eats, shoots, and leaves")
Anyway I've waited years for someone to appreciate this .... and it has never happened so far. I hope you are slightly amused....
does anyone know if a doctor can take some of my butt flesh and graft it onto someone who isn't a relative?
How is the British child of an Australian bear and a Antarctic sea animal like a Tupperware?
They're both koala-tea-seals!
I went to dinner with a couple of Vikings and they kept tapping on the table and laughing. I finally asked what was so funny and they said:
“You wouldn’t get it, it’s Norse code”
A group of geese is a gaggle, agroup of rats: a mischief, a murder of crows, bats a colony and men a crowd. What's a group of batmen?
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
After Orville and Wilbur’s first horrific and fatal plane-accident leaving their remains scattered on the tarmac, the chief medical examiner approaching what was left of them simply asked:
Recently, a race of bird people and a society of necromancers has gone to war.
It's the Knight owls Vs the Mourning people.
The two men stared intensely at each other over the chessboard, neither one making a move. Suddenly, one of the men gasped in horror and shouted, "How is this possible? You must be taught by the Soviets!"
The other smirked and replied, "Czech, mate."
My herd of cows got loose and wandered into a field of Marijuana
The stakes have never been so high
A burglar broke into my house and I pushed my bookcase on top of him.
One of the world leaders is actually an alien hellbent on taking over the world and I know who it is!
It's crazy but it's Trudeau
My wife and I received nothing from our wedding guests but colanders. There musta been 500 of the damned thing.
It really put a strain on our marriage.
Two boats full of red and blue paint crashed in the indian ocean today
All of the crew are marooned
My priest prescribed a circuit of crunches, flutter kicks, bicycles, and plank holds for the guilt I confessed about neglecting my stomach muscles during workouts.
I finally received my abs solution.
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