I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn’t show up.

That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/red_snake0329
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
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I accidentally used the wrong straw in my wife’s water bottle and broke it. She asked me to show her. I said...

This is the straw that broke the Camelback

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BassMan2511
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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A guy says he taught his dog Morse code. "Aye right Show me." Mate says. Guy turns to dog and asks "who's been a good boy then?" Dog uses paw on ground. Tap tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap tap tap pause tap. "what he say?" Mate asks

"woof" guy replies

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedDogBoyMark
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
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Anyone want to help me make a TV show about Abraham Lincoln?

The plan is to shoot it in front of a live audience.

πŸ‘︎ 609
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
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Cemeteries remind me of the TV show Cheers.

It's a place where everyone knows your name.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aagistar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
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From r/memes. Don't be mean to me about reposting I'm just trying to show puns to people
πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoJoMcFearson
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
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Me and some other guys like to get together at the local supermarket to show off our rare breed black-feathered chickens. New guy today mustn't have understood because...

There was an unexpected white hen in the bragging area

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mittenshape
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
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My friend tried to get me to join his MLM scheme of selling devices for establishing a horizontal line by means of a bubble in a liquid that shows adjustment to the horizontal by movement to the center of a glass tube...

It'd make cents off so many levels.

/edit:rephrased punchline

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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I was in the pub having a drink when a girl came up to me and said she can show me a good time. So I followed her out the back where she took off her top...

...and she ran 100m in 10 seconds

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cormac-Dockry
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
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I asked the librarian if she could show me to the self-help section

She said that would defeat the purpose

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/King_Pinn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
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Star Wars 7PM show last night, a dad behind me was saving four seats with his daughter...

...and every time someone approached him he repeated "these aren't the seats you're looking for."

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2015
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Show me your lab.
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keelzyy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2017
🚨︎ report
My mom told me her lawyer always shows up to court wearing the same thing

A lawsuit

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kittycaviar
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
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I like to keep a photo of the Sun on my phone. When people ask me if I have any kids, I start telling 'em about my son and how bright he is. I then pull out the phone to show them the photo.
πŸ‘︎ 220
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TimothyHalpern
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2018
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I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and I didn’t show up.

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_IT
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
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Someone tried to show me something on reddit once but...

I already reddit

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scorchy18
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
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[Picture] Im selling a microwave on facebook and asked my dad to send me pictures of the inside of it to show a buyer.

I wasn't disappointed

https://imgur.com/gallery/gCDyE8C

πŸ‘︎ 139
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanPos
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2018
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This one time when I was still a kid, my younger sister got very mad at me for making silly noises. To show our parents that her ensuing fit of anger wasn't as annoying as my goofing off, my sister said,

"Well at least I'm not walking around the house going "Hurgerbgehbh blurgeblegh blurgega, hurr dee hurr, derr!"

To which my dad said,

"Yes you are".

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JTCMuehlenkamp
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
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I always try to show my appreciation for the people at the movie theater who sell me my popcorn, soda, candy, etc.

After all, these people make a lot of concessions at work.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gideonindc
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Me: So how was the musical show u went to dad?

Dad: It was sound.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scofield504
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Friend: My mouth burned the whole time cause my dad made me eat this hot pepper in exchange for the show ticket. Wasn’t even a good show.

Me: You just really ate to see it

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThunderZ__
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft

and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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Just wanted to show you guys how happy this sub makes me...

https://i.imgur.com/Qf9AcxG.jpg

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/therealduckie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
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Charts that show "stages of anger" usually irritate me

Not everyone has a method to their madness.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/electrocuter666
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2019
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My dad was telling me a story about how he once saw The Beatles hopping into a sedan after their show

It was a Fab Four-door

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr_wilson3
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2019
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My friend said to me "Can you show me how to use this doorway?"

I said "Sure, I'll give you a walkthrough."

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeardFM
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2016
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Show me a milkman that wears pantyhose

And I'll show you a Dairy Queen.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
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I met a girl the other night who said she'd show me a good time.....

Took me to the park and ran 100m in 6.5 seconds!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElderHallow
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
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My dad won't show me how to properly work and shape dough.

He keeps saying it's on a "knead to know basis".

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Threeatatime1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2018
🚨︎ report
Someone asked me show him what a live round looks like...

But I was drawing a blank.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Schaafwond
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2018
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[REQUEST] Help me name my TV show.

I'm in the process of getting a show on the local public access channel started. It's going to be a weekly recording studio session that showcases local bands. Most of the paperwork is done, I just need a snappy title. The best I can come up with is "The Here Canal," but I think /r/puns can do better!

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wkuechen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2013
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My daughter informed me that the paper said Huey Lewis had cancelled his show.

To this I responded, "Well, I guess you could say that's Huey Lewis in the News."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Treevus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2018
🚨︎ report
my father told me the reason why new research shows diarrhea is hereditary

it runs in the jeans

(first dad joke i remember my father telling me)

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kn8dude
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2017
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Friend asked me if i'd seen that new show "Exploding Shrapnel"

I told him i've caught bits of it.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2018
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My gf's dad told me he passed a kidney stone yesterday. This is the pic he took to show me.

https://imgur.com/gallery/QEMGB

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/radastronaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2017
🚨︎ report
The dad in me is beginning to show up

I asked my friend how exactly I might be related to one of my cousins...

Me: "So if my grandmother has a sister who happens to have a granddaughter, is she my second cousin?"

Friend: "Yeah.. I believe she is your second cousin"

Me: "So that means my children and her children are going to be minute cousins?"

Friend: "..."

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/goldenbat23
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2015
🚨︎ report
I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5Rupees
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2016
🚨︎ report
My dad told me he wanted to show me his favorite picture on the internet

He sent me this

http://i.imgur.com/iUPUT.jpg

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2014
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Made a dad joke on Facebook. My dad friend mercilessly shows me how it's done

My status: Any tips on how to keep raccoons from eating my corn crop? I'm all ears. But seriously raccoons are assholes.

Dad friend responds back to back.

"There's a kernel of truth to that statement!"

"But shucks, poor guys can't help it."

"Maybe get your dog to start stalking them."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Old_Army90
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2016
🚨︎ report
Roommate got me while watching game shows

So my roommate and I were making breakfast and we were watching Deal or No Deal reruns. Howie Mandel was making troll comments toward the contestant, and my friend shouted, "Howie, shit up! This is not Howie do it!"

I had to leave the room.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/msquared980
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2015
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My dad bought the new Galaxy S5 and asked me to show him how to use it

I'm walking him through the steps of how to access the essentials and tell him, "now go to where it says 'Apps'".

He put the phone up to his ear and responds, "well, it's not saying anything!"

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chornu
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2014
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Girlfriend got me at a craft show

We were looking at a pottery stand, there was a sign that sighs "Pick me up" in front of a dish.

She picks up the sign, looks at my guiltily and starts giggling.

Good god.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aiomon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2015
🚨︎ report
GF got me with this last night while watching our favorite BBC car show

Me: "The cinematography for this show really is top notch." Her: "No babe, it's Top Gear."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StringFu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2014
🚨︎ report
I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she didn’t show up.

I guess we’re not going to workout.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Gnome
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2018
🚨︎ report
I like to keep a photo of the Sun on my phone. When people ask me if I have any kids, I start telling 'em about my son and how bright he is. I then pull out the phone to show them the photo. "He's my star," I conclude with a smile.
πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NerdyRomantic
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2015
🚨︎ report

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