I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn’t show up.
That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.
I accidentally used the wrong straw in my wife’s water bottle and broke it. She asked me to show her. I said...
This is the straw that broke the Camelback
A guy says he taught his dog Morse code. "Aye right Show me." Mate says. Guy turns to dog and asks "who's been a good boy then?" Dog uses paw on ground. Tap tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap tap tap pause tap. "what he say?" Mate asks
Anyone want to help me make a TV show about Abraham Lincoln?
The plan is to shoot it in front of a live audience.
Cemeteries remind me of the TV show Cheers.
It's a place where everyone knows your name.
From r/memes. Don't be mean to me about reposting I'm just trying to show puns to people
Me and some other guys like to get together at the local supermarket to show off our rare breed black-feathered chickens. New guy today mustn't have understood because...
There was an unexpected white hen in the bragging area
My friend tried to get me to join his MLM scheme of selling devices for establishing a horizontal line by means of a bubble in a liquid that shows adjustment to the horizontal by movement to the center of a glass tube...
It'd make cents off so many levels.
/edit:rephrased punchline
I was in the pub having a drink when a girl came up to me and said she can show me a good time. So I followed her out the back where she took off her top...
...and she ran 100m in 10 seconds
I asked the librarian if she could show me to the self-help section
She said that would defeat the purpose
Star Wars 7PM show last night, a dad behind me was saving four seats with his daughter...
...and every time someone approached him he repeated "these aren't the seats you're looking for."
My mom told me her lawyer always shows up to court wearing the same thing
I like to keep a photo of the Sun on my phone. When people ask me if I have any kids, I start telling 'em about my son and how bright he is. I then pull out the phone to show them the photo.
I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and I didn’t show up.
I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.
Someone tried to show me something on reddit once but...
[Picture] Im selling a microwave on facebook and asked my dad to send me pictures of the inside of it to show a buyer.
I wasn't disappointed
https://imgur.com/gallery/gCDyE8C
This one time when I was still a kid, my younger sister got very mad at me for making silly noises. To show our parents that her ensuing fit of anger wasn't as annoying as my goofing off, my sister said,
"Well at least I'm not walking around the house going "Hurgerbgehbh blurgeblegh blurgega, hurr dee hurr, derr!"
To which my dad said,
"Yes you are".
I always try to show my appreciation for the people at the movie theater who sell me my popcorn, soda, candy, etc.
After all, these people make a lot of concessions at work.
Me: So how was the musical show u went to dad?
Friend: My mouth burned the whole time cause my dad made me eat this hot pepper in exchange for the show ticket. Wasn’t even a good show.
Me: You just really ate to see it
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft
and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Just wanted to show you guys how happy this sub makes me...
https://i.imgur.com/Qf9AcxG.jpg
Charts that show "stages of anger" usually irritate me
Not everyone has a method to their madness.
My dad was telling me a story about how he once saw The Beatles hopping into a sedan after their show
My friend said to me "Can you show me how to use this doorway?"
I said "Sure, I'll give you a walkthrough."
Show me a milkman that wears pantyhose
And I'll show you a Dairy Queen.
I met a girl the other night who said she'd show me a good time.....
Took me to the park and ran 100m in 6.5 seconds!
My dad won't show me how to properly work and shape dough.
He keeps saying it's on a "knead to know basis".
Someone asked me show him what a live round looks like...
But I was drawing a blank.
[REQUEST] Help me name my TV show.
I'm in the process of getting a show on the local public access channel started. It's going to be a weekly recording studio session that showcases local bands. Most of the paperwork is done, I just need a snappy title. The best I can come up with is "The Here Canal," but I think /r/puns can do better!
My daughter informed me that the paper said Huey Lewis had cancelled his show.
To this I responded, "Well, I guess you could say that's Huey Lewis in the News."
my father told me the reason why new research shows diarrhea is hereditary
it runs in the jeans
(first dad joke i remember my father telling me)
Friend asked me if i'd seen that new show "Exploding Shrapnel"
I told him i've caught bits of it.
My gf's dad told me he passed a kidney stone yesterday. This is the pic he took to show me.
https://imgur.com/gallery/QEMGB
The dad in me is beginning to show up
I asked my friend how exactly I might be related to one of my cousins...
Me: "So if my grandmother has a sister who happens to have a granddaughter, is she my second cousin?"
Friend: "Yeah.. I believe she is your second cousin"
Me: "So that means my children and her children are going to be minute cousins?"
Friend: "..."
I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
My dad told me he wanted to show me his favorite picture on the internet
He sent me this
http://i.imgur.com/iUPUT.jpg
Made a dad joke on Facebook. My dad friend mercilessly shows me how it's done
My status: Any tips on how to keep raccoons from eating my corn crop? I'm all ears. But seriously raccoons are assholes.
Dad friend responds back to back.
"There's a kernel of truth to that statement!"
"But shucks, poor guys can't help it."
"Maybe get your dog to start stalking them."
Roommate got me while watching game shows
So my roommate and I were making breakfast and we were watching Deal or No Deal reruns. Howie Mandel was making troll comments toward the contestant, and my friend shouted, "Howie, shit up! This is not Howie do it!"
I had to leave the room.
My dad bought the new Galaxy S5 and asked me to show him how to use it
I'm walking him through the steps of how to access the essentials and tell him, "now go to where it says 'Apps'".
He put the phone up to his ear and responds, "well, it's not saying anything!"
Girlfriend got me at a craft show
We were looking at a pottery stand, there was a sign that sighs "Pick me up" in front of a dish.
She picks up the sign, looks at my guiltily and starts giggling.
Good god.
GF got me with this last night while watching our favorite BBC car show
Me: "The cinematography for this show really is top notch."
Her: "No babe, it's Top Gear."
I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she didn’t show up.
I guess we’re not going to workout.
I like to keep a photo of the Sun on my phone. When people ask me if I have any kids, I start telling 'em about my son and how bright he is. I then pull out the phone to show them the photo. "He's my star," I conclude with a smile.
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