Show Me Pictures Of Puns

I wasn't disappointed

https://imgur.com/gallery/gCDyE8C

He was pretty sedimental.

I asked him why it was only the green parts...

He said only had access to the stalk photos

I think it’s maoware.

Here's the picture he showed me.

We had been looking for ideas for a kids room.

She said "I can get behind this" (referring to the painting of the tree).

I said "you can? But, it's two dimensional..."

He showed me a picture of a tamal that had as a caption "it's wrong"

1. My friend once told me she watched Regular Show all the time. I said, "I guess you could say you watch it regularly." We are not friends anymore. (True Story)

2. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!

3. I wanted to take pictures of the fog this morning… But I mist my chance. I guess I could dew it tomorrow!

4. Looks tasty. Gimme a pizza that.

5. Why do eggs hate jokes? The answers always crack them up!

6. What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? "Hey, close the door! I'm dressing!"

7. Somebody stole all my lamps…. And I couldn't be more de-lighted!

8. I once met a pig that did karate… We called him Pork Chop!

9. Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning!

10. My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve!

(Source For All Puns Except The First) https://bestlifeonline.com/bad-funny-puns/

A police officer walks into a tattoo parlor, hoping to get something cool drawn onto his shoulder. He walks up to the artist and shows him a picture of what he wants. In large text on a ribbon it says, "Protect and Serve." Below it, is a picture of a a badge, a pair of handcuffs, and a pistol. The tattoo artist is very good at his job, and says he can get this done in one session, so the officer sits down and the artist gets started. A few hours later, the artist is just finishing up, inking the last details of his service weapon. Once the last line is inked on the trigger, the cop gets up from his chair and looks in the mirror to see his new tattoo. His face twists into a look of shock and terror, pulls out his gun and opens fire onto the tattoo artist, killing him in the process. He gets on his radio, calling for backup, and took a defensive position until a few more cops and the police chief showed to the parlor minutes later. The chief, while examining the scene asks the officer, "What the hell? Why did you shoot this guy?" The cop says, "What did you expect me to do? The guy drew a gun on me!"

You've probably seen these... One whole side of the pillow has sequins, which are reversible, and reveal a different color or pattern when you flip the sequins.

My daughter was playing with hers, and making pictures by flipping the sequins in patterns.

I asked her if she could make a picture showing what she did today. She spent about 15 minutes painstakingly flipping sequins to show her going to school, and dance class. She was all done, and proudly showed me her work.

I said "Well, look at that... its a sequins of events."

And I snuck into the kitchen to take this picture for the sole purpose of taking it back to my girlfriend to say with an exasperated sigh, "Ugh, would you just look at this stock photo..."

She hated me for the rest of the night as I sat there giggling like a madman, way too pleased that she didn't figure it out before I showed it to her. When I told my dad, it entirely derailed his train of thought as he started laughing.

My son woke me up early Saturday to show me a picture he’d drawn of a cross.

Me (half asleep): Awesome job! Looks great.

Son: Thanks! It’s not just a cross, you know...

Me: Is it also down?

His confusion and delayed groan was music to my ears as I fell back to sleep.

• What's the difference between mononucleosis and herpes? You get mono from snatching kisses.

• If you were to lose your left arm, you'd be all right.

• Why can't you hear a pteradactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.

• Communists only write in lower-case letters because they hate capitalism.

• I got a new job at the police sketching pictures of suspects. I'm a con artist.

• Cat Woman's real name is Catherine Woman.

• I have a new cat joke. ...Just kitt'en.

• How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for Fresh Prints. *

• Did you hear about the two men who stole a calendar? They got six months each.

• I just saw an Apple store get robbed. Does that make me an iWitness?

• Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

• I'm moving to Seoul. I was told it would be a good Korea move.

• Did you hear about the professor who was killed in a car accident? He was grading papers on a curve.

• Why isn't an iPhone charger called Apple Juice?

• Ever try to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

• When Peter Pan throws punches, they Never Land.

• I was struggling to understand how lightning works, but then it struck me.

• Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time, too.

• Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the moon, and then follow up with, "Ah, I guess you had to be there."

• I'm going to make a TV series about a plane hijacking. We just shot the pilot.

• Would you call a drunk working at an upholstery a recovering alcoholic?

• Yesterday I got covered in ketchup from my head tomatoes.

• Even though I've gone bald, I still keep the same comb I've had for 20 years. I just can't part with it.

• Picture of my sister after getting her nose pierced "She nose something!"

• I went to the dentist and showed him my cavity. He told me to pull up my pants and get the hell out.

• Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It was okay - he woke up.

• So what if I can't spell armageddon. It's not the end of the world.

• When you get an infection, urine trouble.

• "Hey waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" "Yes, sir; it's fresh ground."

• How did the butcher introduce his wife? "Meat Patty."

• Elton John is a great piano player, but he sucks on the organ.

• Elton John wrote a tribute to Amy Winehouse: Candle Under the Spoon *

• What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke. *

*My absolut

She refused to show me a picture of it. So I replied:

http://i.imgur.com/2m6q5uS.png

I had been driving for a few years and had just moved off to college.

I was on my way back home to visit and it got dark during my drive. My headlights and radio worked but my dash lights were not coming on. When I got home I asked my dad about it and he said he'd go take a look. He went outside then comes back in the house just a few minutes later.

Me: "Did you find out what the problem is?"

Dad: "I think so."

Me: "Well, what was it?"

Dad: "I'll have to show you tomorrow, if I'm right then we're going to have fun working on your truck all morning."

We wait until morning, and dad wakes me up to go work on my truck. We go outside and he has me walk him through the entire problem again. Which lights were working and which were not, has me start the truck a few times and has me do the same troubleshooting I did the night before. I was getting frustrated and told him I tried absolutely everything.

Then he says "I think there's one thing you forgot." He points at a knob by the steering wheel. I looked at where he was pointing and it hit me. It's the damned the dash-light dimmer switch, and it was set to it's lowest (dimmest) position. When I looked back up at him he just had the biggest grin on his face. He then went into a full explanation on how this knob worked, knowing full well that I already knew what that knob did. Which, by the way, I'm sitting on the driver's seat and he's standing at the driver's side door. So I had no way to walk away from this embarrassing moment. All I could do was look down at the steering wheel and listen to him enjoying his joke.

Bonus story #1:

I'm in my 30s and one of my friends is a 74 year old guy that I play pool with. He always asks me what I've been up to, and one time I told him I met a girl.

He got excited and said "Do you have any pictures of her?" So I showed him a few pictures of us together.

Old man: "She's beautiful! She sounds like a keeper."

Then he leans in with a grin and says "Do you have any naked pictures of her?"

Me: "No way!"

Old man: "Do you want to see some?"

Bonus story #2:

That same old man was at our friend's wedding. He's sitting at the table with his wife and a bunch of other people. The conversation is about how they have been married for 50+ years. He says "I don't know how she's put up with me for this many years. But I've always told her that she can leave whenever she wants to, cause I'm comin' with her."

His wife explained that she has heard all of his jokes so

I went to the optometrist for an eye test today and he was showing me the picture he took of the inside of my eye. He pointed to the macula and said it looked perfect. I said "So you think it's immaculate?"

and he showed me an old photograph of a family friend.

Me: "You weren't kidding about him being in the picture for a long time."

Him:"Yep, ever since they took it."

I looked at her a bit surprised. "Our yard is actually larger than the average yard, at least twice as much!" She showed me a picture of her friends yard, and I told her "That yard has to be at least 20, even 30 times larger than the average yard, ours is only twice as large, I checked. It's at least 7 feet."

My girlfriend was showing me a picture of her friend

Her: I think she is studying abroad in Sweden.

Me: There thousand of girls in Sweden. How'd she choose just one?

Every time I show him a picture of a hippo, he tells me what's wrong with it.

Today I was at a Honda dealership finalizing a lease on my girlfriend's new car. The salesman was chatting us up and showed us a picture of his daughter. He says "This is my 2 year old daughter. Her name is Alexis". Without missing a beat I said "Alexis? Why didn't you name her a Honda?". Both the salesman and my girlfriend gave me the "oh no you didn't" look.

My girlfriend was looking at tumblr and comes across an adorable picture of a pig smiling at the camera.

She shows me and says "look at this pig posing for a picture!"

I say, "yes, he's quite the ham"

My nephew showed my wife pictures he had on his wall of himself with different family members that were taken the day he was born.

He tells her that he looked for a picture of he and I together, but couldn't find one. My wife explained that that was because he was born before we met.

Me: "It's because I wasn't in the picture yet!"

Alright so I was at the bar last night and they had TMNT themed pizzas, which was cool. I texted one of my little brothers about it and he said "woah, no way, show me that's badass."

I took a picture of the menu but couldn't quite get the whole thing in one snap so I said "k here you go, couldn't get the whole menu but you get the picture."

My boyfriend rolled his eyes and I was laughing hysterically.

My teenage daughter it's grounded from her phone, and is trying to explain to her mamma what haircut she wants. She asked "can I show you what the haircut looks like?" to which her mom replied, "yeah sure, draw me a picture."

Edit Kind of a Mom joke

My folks own a bar with a banquet area and Louie Anderson is performing tonight. My Dad is going to open the show with one joke that he is really excited about.

Picture him standing at the mic in a empty banquet hall, I'm standing in the middle of the room as he is "testing" the joke on me.

"A termite walks into a bar, looks around and asks "Where's the bar tender?""

...

I'm going to try and get this on video tonight.

He then showed me a necktie covered in pictures of hares in lines. http://imgur.com/d407dB2

A group of us were out getting lunch. (my paraphrasing)

Boss: "Hey guys check out these pictures I took on my vacation."

passes around camera to rest of table to view pictures

Coworker: "Wow! How did you get such a perfectly timed photo of lightning?"

shows rest of table a beautiful picture of lightning

Me: "He must have lightning reflexes!"

collective groan

I'm chatting with my girlfriend's dad about his recent ice fishing trip when he pulls out his phone and shows me a picture of his ice fishing spot.

It is just a picture of the lake-ice with a black X spray painted onto it.

I look at him, confused at first but then I realized he was kidding with me.

I tell him that he is going to have a hard time finding it next year.

He responds "I know the ice is going to melt, that's why I took a picture"

One of my best friends is on a trip to San Antonio. She posted a picture showing that her hotel is directly accross from the Alamo. I asked if she said "Alamo-sey on over there later!"

She called me a dweeb and I laughed at my own joke for a good five minutes.

My sister was showing me some pictures of her prom-dress. I said it looked like something out of game of thrones, but she didn't agree.

Me: "Oh well, it's not like I know that much about dresses anyways."

Dad, from behind the wheel: "As long as you know how to UNZIP THEM!!"

I high fived him and my mother and sister looked disgusted.

So my wife say, showing me a picture on Facebook of the guy she goes to see to get her future told, "This is my medium."

"Looks more like a small to me."

*** Crickets chirp and tumble-weed rolls through the lounge-room ***

Just showed my dad a picture on /r/aww of that cute baby goat today.

Dad: What is that??

Me: It's a baby goat! Isn't that so cute?

Dad: You're KIDding me, right?

And of course proceeds to howl in laughter at his genius. Oh, you...

#1 I was at the outlet mall with my girlfriend and she wanted to check out this shoe store. I follow her in and peruse the store while she looks around. I find these sandals that are on sale, but some only have one shoe. So I pick them up and say, "Hey look, these sandals are.. half off," with the biggest grin. She did one of those one laugh oh my goodness things. #2 A day or two ago I was showing my girlfriend some pictures I took and she said to me, "You know, you've really got an eye." I told her, "I know, I have two." #3 I don't like Twitter and I never have. My gf is the opposite. So she took it upon herself to make me an account and then let me have control. I've posted a few things with my own twist. Instead of using # to tag something I write out "hashtagwhateverIwanttowritehere."

Scene: on skype with my brother and he is showing us old pictures that he had from my old laptop, and he sees an old picture of our dad (who is currently behind me)

Brother: "Hey you look like Geraldo Rivera...er Geraldo Rivera?"

(pronounced like Gerald-o and then Herald-o)

Brother: "How do you say it anyways?"

Dad: "Well, it depends on how you pronounce it."

I think it's maoware.