There will be point in the future when Canada will take over the world.
And then you will all be sorry.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ May 01 2021
In surgery my doctor said, "So what do we have here?" I replied that I broke my arm in 12 places."
He replied, "Well, stop going to those places then!"
π︎ 9k
π
︎ May 08 2021
In honor of Motherβs Day, Iβd just like to say,
βthank you for your cervix.β
π︎ 8k
π
︎ May 09 2021
I've started a boat building business in my attic...
...sails are going through the roof.
π︎ 7k
π
︎ May 13 2021
Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!
π︎ 10k
π
︎ May 05 2021
He gave the toy horses a home in his ___
π︎ 3k
π
︎ May 07 2021
3 in 1
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Apr 30 2021
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Apr 27 2021
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Apr 14 2021
Falling in love is dangerous.
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Apr 19 2021
I wish Covid-19 had started in Las Vegas.
Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
π︎ 4k
π
︎ May 03 2021
Whatβs the difference between in-laws & out-laws?
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Apr 28 2021
Why shouldn't you put more than 239 beans in a soup?
Because adding just one more would make it too farty. Straight from my 7 year old daughter.
Edit: Thank you so much for the awards and upvotes. I showed my daughter how many people saw and appreciated her humor and she's extatic. I know she probably didn't come up with the joke herself but this was one of the first times she really got me with a good one and I thought I'd share it with some fellow dads and others.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Apr 13 2021
My socially anxious friend just got a PhD in palindrome studies.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Apr 12 2021
Get that extra pep in your step from this well
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Apr 29 2021
The cast of βFriendsβ got stuck at sea in a boat, but thankfully nothing happened.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Apr 13 2021
I am reading a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is gonna happen, I can feel it.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ May 01 2021
At least he won't turn over in his grave.
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Mar 27 2021
I told my daughter, βGo to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.β Puzzled, she asked, βWhatβs that got to do with anything?β I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
"Itβs pasture bedtime!β
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Mar 26 2021
What flavour is the toothpaste in jail?
π︎ 569
π
︎ May 09 2021
Who is Shia LaBeoufβs mortal enemy?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 24 2020
(Warning: Morbid dad joke) True Story -- My family were planning my mum's funeral. We always try to keep things light and try to stay positive, just as Mum would have it...
The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.
Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.
The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:
"What's sarong with that?"
I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).
His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.
--Edit--
I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)
--Edit--
Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ May 12 2021
A cheese factory had exploded in France
There was nothing left but de Brie.
π︎ 297
π
︎ May 07 2021
My boss always laughed at my jokes at work but since the pandemic she never laughs at them in Zoom chats. I asked her why doesn't she laugh at them anymore.
She replied, "Because your jokes aren't remotely funny."
π︎ 1k
π
︎ May 09 2021
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
π︎ 339
π
︎ May 12 2021
Why did Karl Marx write in all lowercase letters?
Because he hated capitalism
π︎ 1k
π
︎ May 03 2021
What's the highest rank in the popcorn army?
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Mar 17 2021
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for fresh prints
π︎ 308
π
︎ Apr 29 2021
Live savings spent in a second
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Mar 05 2021
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know Iβm getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beerβ¦.
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! β€οΈ
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Apr 09 2021
What do you call a polar bear in the jungle?
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Mar 04 2021
Once, when working in a store, a man dressed as a a wizard approached the counter...
He said "Do I get any money off for having this big stick?"
I said "No sir, we don't offer staff discount".
π︎ 660
π
︎ May 07 2021
My 6 year old told me this one today. Why do dogs carry bones in their mouths?
Because they don't have pockets.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?"
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"
"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.
"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
π︎ 234
π
︎ May 14 2021
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Mar 03 2021
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Feb 13 2021
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Mar 02 2021
What did the Reddit user say after setting a bomb in a bank?
Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
π︎ 205
π
︎ May 13 2021
Anyone interested in buying my Delorean? Great condition, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
π︎ 420
π
︎ Apr 23 2021
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Mar 06 2021
My therapist just told me I have extreme difficulty in picking up social cues.
I think she is in love with me.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Mar 05 2021
Why is Dark spelled with a βKβ and not a βCβ?
Because you canβt βCβ in the dark
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Apr 22 2021
In honor of former president Donald J. Trump
π︎ 29k
π
︎ Jan 20 2021
True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling βI stepped on a Bee!β
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Mar 07 2021
Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in water...
....you can safely wear it on your head... because it's capsized.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Feb 23 2021
My GF dressed up as a police woman and told me I was under arrest under the suspicion that I was good in bed c
After 3 mins all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence
π︎ 804
π
︎ Apr 10 2021
Guys, make your woman feel special. Place a framed photo of her in the kitchen...
....and write "EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH" on top.
π︎ 269
π
︎ Apr 16 2021
βSo whatβs it like living in the mountains?β
Itβs got itβs ups and downs
π︎ 297
π
︎ Apr 15 2021
What flavour toothpaste do they use in jails ?
π︎ 91
π
︎ May 11 2021
Anyone out there interested in buying my DeLorean ? Great condition, low mileage..
.. really only driven from time to time.
π︎ 709
π
︎ Apr 19 2021
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