My son always hides the last piece of a puzzle so he can be the one to put it in. This time, after I put in the second-to-last piece...

I walked away, saying "peace out"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HulkingHerring
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2021
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A redneck dad names his son "Gus". His wife gives birth to a second son. What does he name him?

Angus.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2021
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My Second son was born in the car on the way to the hospital.

We named him Carson

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GeorgeDubyahKush
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
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My son was birthed in less than a second!

You could say it was spawntaneous

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
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Before I tucked my son into bed, I told him how proud I am of him, and that he is the second best son in the world.

Him: second best?

Me: yeah, I'm still the best son. But you're doing great, too.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Litpunk
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
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My son asked me, "Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation. He looked a little perplexed, stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds then said...

"And Tigger?"

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/808gecko808
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2022
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I can tell I’m getting old because my kids don’t want to listen to Whitesnake with me

So here I go again on my own.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justshtmypnts
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2023
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I asked my son if he wanted to hear me sum up the 90s in less than 5 seconds.

He said yes, so I took a deep breath and said....

"945"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JenovasChild666
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2021
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There once was a boy born with no body, only a head.

On his 21st birthday his dad asked him what he’d like to do. β€œGo to the bar for a beer”, he said. So they went.

His dad propped his son on the bar. β€œBeer for my son, please”. The dad poured the beer into his son’s mouth. Two arms sprouted from his neck. β€œIt’s a miracle! Bartender, quick! Grab another beer!”

The son grabbed the second beer with his new arms and drank it. A body grew below his arms. The bartender ran for another beer. The boy drank it and sure enough, two legs sprouted from his torso.

He yelled, β€œDad look! I have a body!” In his excitement he ran out of the bar. His dad and the bartender followed and to their horror, watched as the kid ran into the street and got run over by a bus. The dad said, β€œOh son, I never thought to teach you to look both ways before crossing the street”.

The bartender said, β€œPoor kid, should’ve quit while he was ahead”.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2022
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A man arrives at the hospital seconds after his wife gave birth to his son.

He was pronounced Dad On Arrival

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Catoenailsoup
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2020
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What nationality takes everything to the third power?

Cube'n

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πŸ‘€︎ u/reddiflecting
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2022
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Alright, it's time for a whirlwind of puns, get ready!

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger, then it hit me! Never trust an atom, they make up everything! Long fairy tales do tend to drag on! I made a pun about the wind, but it blows! I had a pizza joke, but it was too CHEESY! I know a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition! Don't discuss infinity with your math teacher, they'll go on forever! The ability to fly would be so uplifting! My friend's bakery burned down, now it's toast! I was gonna get a brain transplant, but I changed my mind! german food jokes are the wurst! My local A.T.M stopped working and it doesn't make any cents! I miss my childhood friend and he misses me, but our aim is getting better! My friend found out she was colorblind, it came out of the orange for her! What did the duck say when she purchased some new lipstick? Put it on my bill! Towels can't tell jokes, they have dry senses of humor. What did the buffalo say to his son going away to college? Bison! What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds! What's the U.S.A's favorite soda?Mini soda! The bicycle couldn't be ridden because it was two tired! The car wasn't up for being driven because it was completely exhausted!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CueDePieYT
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2022
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A man had two sons, Pete and Repeat. What was the second sons name?

Repeat

I said: "A man had two sons, Pete and Repeat. What was the second sons name?"

Repeat

"Are your ears broken?"

Continued with added frustration and humor each time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dreamycloud11
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
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Someone complimented my parking today!

They left a sweet note on my windshield that said "parking fine."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thedeathwaiter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2022
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My son was born yesterday and is in the NICU. [META]

What are your best dad jokes? Whoever tells me the funniest one will have the honor of knowing their dad joke was my first as a dad.

Edit: there are two winners.

The first is one I told to my wife. It is about him being born with 4 kidneys but two of them will become adult knees. Thank you u/cabbithunt

The second I told me son. "There are two fish in a tank. One fish looks at the other and says 'I'll drive you man the guns.'" Thank you u/kiabe1

Edit 2: After two weeks in the NICU, we have convinced the doctors to let us upgraded to the wireless home version. Thank you all for your well wishes and jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nomolos2621
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2021
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What do you call a belt with a clock on it ?

a waist of time

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaCk_Pinto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2022
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Do you know why seven really eight (ate) nine?

Because you're supposed to eat three squared meals a day!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElStorm2012
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2022
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what am I??

I'm the first on earth,The second in heaven ,I appear twice a week, you can only see me once in a year because I'm in the middle of the sea..What am I???

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Awkward-Life-659
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2022
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Hungry Clocks

From my 11 year old son today ......

"What did the clock do when he was very hungry" . . . . . He went back four seconds

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImAsquirrel77
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2021
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A mother gave birth to a boy with a defect, he only had a head.

There was no body, arms or legs to him but he was functioning normal and his parents loved him. On his 21st birthday his dad took him to a bar, bought him a beer and gave it to him to drink. Suddenly his torso grew out of his head. Around him amazed the bar started chanting β€œDrink, Drink!” His dad got a second beer and gave it to him, this time he grew arms and hands. The stunned crowd all chanted again β€œDrink, Drink” He got his third beer and drank it himself with his new hands, suddenly legs and feet grew. The crowd applauded and cheered. The son couldn’t believe it and started to run. He ran around in circles and then out of the bar. Unfortunately he ran into the road, got hit by a truck and was killed instantly. The barman looked at his dad, sighed and said β€œHe should have quit while he was a head”

πŸ‘︎ 158
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-E-Droflah
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
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Proud dad moment happened today!

My son and I were driving home from his baseball practice when we see a car with a vinyl wrap. All digital camo. I point it out and said β€œthat’s a nice car huh?” And he replies β€œwhat car? All I see are wheels.” It took me a second to realize what he said. So I looked over to him he had the biggest smirk on his face. I almost teared up.

πŸ‘︎ 83
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BakedDoeBoy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
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An elderly gentleman rang me the other day

I politely told him he had the wrong number and that I hoped he found the right number.

A few hours later the doorbell rang so, I went and answered, and it was an elderly fellow. I asked how I might help him, and he replied that he was sure his son lived at this address. I assured him that it was only my wife and I, asled if he was the respectable chap whom had called me earlier. He said yes,, and insisted this was his son's home. Well, what are you gonna do? So, I told him to come on in and see for himself.

We walked around the house, main floor, basement, second floor, and he wanted wanted go into the attic. I didn't think he would make it up the steep stairs of the pull down hatch. So, I went up amd told him there was nothing.

Disappointed, the elderly fellow walked to the door, and said, "well, looks like yer gonna have to throw me out, because I don't want to leave".

Well that's not gonna fly, my wife would not be happy to return home from work and see a strange old man refusing refusing leave.

I said yes, I am throwing you out sir. So, I opened the door, amd ushered him out. He shuffled down the walk, to the curb and around the corner.

30 minutes later, the doorbell rang again, so, I answered it. And believe it or not, it was the elderly man again. He said he wanted to apologize, did so, then left.

As he was walking away I put the pieces together of what had happened. This elderly fellow, having rung my doorbell, having me throwhim out, and his final return, I realized, a boomer rang me, I threw him out, and he came back.

Thought of this one a while ago and had forgotten it.Yer welcome. :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SidekickPaco
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Dad Awards

Dad Awards

To truly capture the β€œSpirit of the Dad” what are some achievements you think make a True Dad?

  1. β€œFixed it!” - complete an entire home improvement project in a single trip to the hardware/lumber store.

  2. β€œGotcha!” - demonstrate the Dad Reflex by catching a toddler seconds before disaster.

  3. β€œThat’s my boy/girl!” - get in trouble with the SO when your son/daughter picked up a bad habit of yours, or develops your bad sense of humor/pranks.

  4. β€œHere boy!” - develop a stronger bond with the new family pet than any of the kids who wanted it in the first place.

  5. β€œOffice time” - spend at least 30 minutes in the bathroom hiding from the kids/spouse even though you don’t actually have to go to the bathroom.

  6. β€œBlame it on the dog” - make at least one passenger choke on a fart in the car.

  7. β€œReally?” - have a kid/spouse completely buy in to one of your bad dad jokes. (I had my wife convinced for nearly an hour that the rumble strips on the side of the highway was called the β€œBrailleway” and it was for blind drivers)

  8. β€œBut the kids will love it!” - use the kids as justification to purchase something that you’ve always wanted.

  9. β€œTry it, you’ll like it!” - introduce a kid into your hobby as an excuse to go out more often than the spouse would usually tolerate.

  10. β€œSaved the day!” - prevent a meltdown by fixing the favorite toy that seemed completely destroyed.

  11. β€œAnimal surgeon” - conduct β€˜surgery’ to patch up a favorite stuffed animal.

  12. β€œHere, let me show you” - take over a video game under the guise of showing the kid how to play.

What else can you add to this list?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yanric
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2021
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We had a bit of an awkward moment at home a while back...

My wife and I were doing a bit of roleplay in the bedroom. I had just handcuffed her to the bedhead when we heard one of the kids turning the door handle. I quickly threw the covers over the both of us and in walked my 7 year old son. He noticed the handcuffs, went really quiet and had this confused look on his face. After 15 seconds or so he asked my wife why she was handcuffed to the bed. She blushed and had to come up with a lie on the spot. She stammered out that daddy was just practicing with the handcuffs for his new job as a policeman and that my son should just go back into the lounge room and watch some TV.

A few weeks later I was asked to careers day at my son's school. My son stood up with me in front of the class and proudly announced his daddy was a policeman and that I lock up baddies. I didn't want to embarass him so I just played along. It turns out I was the one who was about to be embarassed. One of the kids asked if my son had ever seen me at work. My son said no but that he had seen me practicing using handcuffs on his mom. It went right over the kids heads but the teacher was very amused and couldn't stop giggling. I guess my wife and I would have been the hot topic in the staff room that day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/THPSROCKS
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2021
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Will you remember me...

Son: Dad, Will you remember me in one second?

Dad: Yes.

Son: Dad, will you remember me in one minute?

Dad: Yes.

Son: Dad, will you remember me in one hour?

Dad: Yes.

Son: Dad, will you remember me in one day?

Dad: Yes.

Son: Dad, will you remember me in one week?

Dad: Yes.

Son: Dad, will you remember me in one month?

Dad: Yes.

Son: Dad, will you remember me in one year?

Dad: Yes.

Son: Knock Knock!

Dad: Who's there?

Son: DAD! YOU ALREADY FORGOT ME!

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AspenTD
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
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On the phone with my 4'7" wife

Her: I will be there shortly.

Me: Wh..haha..when are you not anywhere SHORTLY?

Her: ...

30 seconds later, talking about our son..

Her: Apparently, I forgot about his bottle.

Me: Isn't everything we do "apparently" now that we're parents?

Her: You're a dumbass...See you when I get home, love you.

Me: ..Shortly, right?

Her: (click)

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Land-Stander
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2015
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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My son just told his first dad joke at 13 and I’m so proud

So my kids are clearing the dishes after dinner, it’s their job every day. My daughter was scraping all the scraps in the bin, which contained some food. Son: β€œJeze Lauren you need to be more considerate, every 60 seconds in Africa a minute passes”.... Ded πŸ’€

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πŸ‘€︎ u/adz1179
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
what did the mexican firefighter call his first son?

Hose A

what did he call his second son?

Hose B

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IvegotabigDijk
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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My wife got me good and there was nothing I could do

I was playing with our toddler when for whatever reason Humpty Dumpty popped in my head. I started trying to think of a funny rhyme about Dumpty cracking open and being unable to pay for US medical care and thus now lives a pain-addled, poor life. Yeah, idk.

Anyway, I couldn’t think of the original second half of the rhyme and so I asked my wife. She told me the rhyme and I said thanks. After a short silence goes by she goes,

β€œWhat are you doing, trying to think of another lame dad yolk?”

I didn’t know my son had two dads but I know now

Edit: typos

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BoutTreeeFiddy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
So, my youngest son was pestering me for candy at Party City one Halloween...

I gently told him "No" at least 6 times, and finally we were at the register. My wife was checking us out, and he asks again.

Me: "Son, if you ask for one more piece of candy, I'm going to go back in time and take away the candy you had yesterday."

He stopped asking.

My oldest son looks at me defiantly and says, "Okay, do it to me!"

{ thinks for a second }

Me: "Fine. Do you remember that Snickers bar you had yesterday?"

Oldest looks confused and says, "What?? I didn't have a Snickers bar yesterday!"

Me: "Exactly."

I pat him on the back as he processes, and we exit the store.

πŸ‘︎ 221
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πŸ‘€︎ u/denzien
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2017
🚨︎ report
I made my wife smack me last night.

The setup: Yesterday morning as I left for work I busted our 16yo son sneaking a girl in to the house. Since I had to get to work I just took all of his electronics. Later in the evening I had a long honest talk with him. Explaining (once again) that I know he's going to fool around but he can't be doing it while his siblings are home alone with him.

I finished the conversation with him by asking if I should get him a condom supply. He responded by telling me that he had only been to second base and that there was time yet.

So I went to bed where my wife asked how it went. After filling her in I ended by letting her know that our son had been to 2nd base.

She replied, "Why would you tell me that?!"

I looked her dead in the eyes and replied "Just wanted to keep you abreast of the situation."

She smacked me.

πŸ‘︎ 116
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πŸ‘€︎ u/argash
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2017
🚨︎ report
Got my wife good with this one...

We were discussing how to make Cauliflower cheese, for our son's lunches this week. So you start with a roux and add milk to make white sauce, then add cheese to make cheese sauce. She then asked "what else can you add to a roux?" I quickly replied "there's always kanga." It took her a second, then she whacked me. My job is done.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/83n170
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
🚨︎ report
β€œWhy is there two cases of Arizona outside?”

We live in the cold state and I didn’t have enough fridge space for a case of Arizona ice tea. So I put it out the sliding door.

My son asks β€œwhy are there two cases of Arizona outside?”

I said β€œjust trying to warm things up a bit...”

He just stared at me for 5 seconds then walked away.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JordanMichael08
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Son got his mom over dinner preparation

Tonight at dinner, she looked at our 13 year old and said "We should make buns for Thanksgiving"

He paused for just a second, then responded "So, that would be mother-son bunding time?"

She sighed.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/redneckrockuhtree
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2016
🚨︎ report
Where does poo come from?

My son asked me: "Where does poo come from?"

I was a little uncomfortable, but gave him an honest explanation.

He stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds, and asked, "And Tigger?"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2022
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If you hear something, say something

I originally posted this in r/MaliciousCompliance, but several commenters thought it would be good here as well. I hope this isn't a re-run for too many of you.

This was years ago when my son was starting middle school. I was transporting him and a group of his new friends. One of the friends was French, and spoke French at home. My son mentioned that I had taken French in high school, and so one of his friends asked me to say something in French and see if French girl could understand me.

Before I go on, a note on parenting style: we joke around with our kids all the time. I know that not all parents joke with their children; some of my kids' friends enjoyed to a dad who makes a joke, and some would look at me like I grew a second head.

So I said to the French girl, Β«quelque choseΒ». Immediately the friends turned to French girl and asked "What did he say?"

I waited, wondering whether she would join my joke.

A sly smile crept across her face as she said, "he said...something". The rest of the trip, the friends tried to convince her to reveal what it was that I had said. Β«quelque choseΒ» is the French phrase for "something".

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mermaldad
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad: Who is the most famous Doctor?

Son: What?

Dad: Not Dr What son... close.. who

Son: Who?

Dad: Yes

Son: Who’s Dr Yes?

Dad: No, Who is who

Son: In the the zoo?

Dad: No, who isn’t in the zoo.

Son: What?

Dad: He’s on second.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CouldIRunTheZoo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
A firefighter had twins

He named the first son HΓ΅se, and the second son Hose B

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImNotAFuckingPedo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
🚨︎ report

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