Wood ewe bee leaf It?
Me : Hmmmmm, I'd clean the knife.
Going to call it Netflix... and CHILLS
It was a whore-oar.
Her : Come on don't be a pussy man up!
Me : Man down!
Her : WHERE?
She proceeds to laugh at herself like a maniac.
And that's when I fell in love.
Because he thinks they're Horror-ible
Because they're ear-rie
Cus it gives em night-meows!
What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!
I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!
Have you heard of that new movie, “Constipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.
I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said “No, doc, it’s dis knee.”
Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.
When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.
What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!
I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."
Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!
Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.
Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.
What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!
What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!
Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!
How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!
When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!
19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.
My friend told me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, “Yeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”
How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!
What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. “Taken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)
How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.
If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.
I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.
I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!
What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon
Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem... keep reading on reddit ➡
This might be a bit long? My family isn't the brightest of individuals.
Sister: My balls are caught in the door!
Me: LOL, WHAT?
Sister: The poof balls on my shoes.
... keep reading on reddit ➡
**Grandpa**: I saw you took my junk out of your car and threw it into my car. **Grandma**: *grins and nods* **Grandpa**: You're so sweet. **Grandma**: And I saw lotto tickets too. **Grandpa**: I dunno where those came from. **Grandma**: Uh-huh. Probably a damn $5 dollar ticket too. **Grandpa**: No, $2. **Me**: He doesn't know where they came from, but he knows how much they cost. **Grandpa**: *starts adding more to my list of chores* ~ **Grandpa**: It's kinda hot in here. **Grandma**: NO IT'S NOT, Take off your damn clothes if you're hot. **Grandpa**: Is that all you ever want me to do, take my clothes off?! **Me**: OH DEAR GOD, I'M RIGHT HERE. ~ **TV**: The line, "To be, or not to be. That is the question!" is from which Shakespeare play? **Grandma**: Julius Caesar, right? **Me**: Wow. ~ **Me**: How can you NOT like that movie. It has WILL SMITH. **Grandma**: *thinks* Is it that movie, and he has a partner?! **Me**: YES. And he's in the west and there's that giant spider at the end! **Grandma**: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?! **ME**: I DID. ~ **Grandpa**: I need to get a tree saw. **Grandma**: What's a tree saw... **Me**: A TREE SAW. A saw, that saws trees. You can't simplify it anymore than that. ~ *while watching American Idol* **Me**: Omg, that guy's nose is HUGE. **Grandpa**: If he sniffs really hard, he could overdose on oxygen. ~ **Grandpa**: I'm looking for my camouflage underwear, but they're camouflaged so well, that I can't find them! ~ *Sister rambles on about hating cats and how they're scary* **Me**: You're just a weenie, Tyla. **Tyla**: Oh yeah? Well at least Papa loves weenies! *Me and Papa look at each other* **Me**: I sure as hell hope Papa does NOT like weenies. ~ *As we drive home, the tornado siren goes off* **Kaylah**: Have you ever seen it? **Me**: ...Seen what? **Kaylah**: The car with the siren. **Me**: What in the hell are you talking about? **Kaylah**: Isn't the tornado siren on a car that drives around town? **Me**: ...... ~ *While driving through Alton one morning* **Grandma**: Here, take a sip of this. **Me**: Ew. Coffee is nasty. **Grandma**: No it isn't! It wakes ya up, and puts hair on your chest! ~ *Grandma walks out of the bathroom and wipes her wet hands on my face* **Grandma*