Now that I’m officially a dad I have my first good joke. Me and my wife are driving down the road and a bug splats the window.

I turn to her and say β€œI bet he don’t have the guts to do that again”

Edit: holy shit y’all this blew up. Thank you master dads. I feel worthy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnpowers99
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
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Whenever a bug splats on the window when we're driving...

"Bet he doesn't have the guts to do that again!" Every. Single. Time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/speecbeen
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2014
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What's green, has 4 legs, and could kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A pool table.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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I finally cut ties with a friend who was dragging me down

Mountain climbing with a friend is very hard.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Russell_Pinto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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What happens when it rains cats and dogs?

Everyone steps in poodles.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Corpse1984
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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Itsy Bitsy Spider β€” Dad version

Use this nursery rhyme to play "scary/gross monster" with your tyke:

"The itsy bitsy spider climbed into Mia's mouth
Down to her ears and crawling in and out!
Out through her nose and tickled with her legs,
She made Mia sneeze her brains to scrambled eggs!

achoo splat bleah"

Substitute $name for Mia.

Spider hand chases while Dad reclines on bed. Tyke busily baits and counterattacks.

I dunno whether this qualifies as a Dad joke, but my wife hated it until she saw how much my daughter liked it. I feel like that fits the spirit of Dadness. For maximum results, send your wife the poem first.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeoLittlebook
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.

You need it to go skydiving TWICE.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nihilman
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
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what did the flat earther say before falling from a rocket onto the ground?

"The earth is SPLAT"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Davis_Schina
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
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Did you hear about the blind man that fell into the well?

He didn't see that well.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pelagaard
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
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Dad joke from my 13 y/o brother

At an outdoor ice cream place when a person gets handed their banana split. Promptly drops his order on the ground and without skipping a beat my brother says "Looks like he got a banana splat."

I was the only family member to laugh

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Caprangus
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2015
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Every time he's driving....

big bug splats on windshield

Dad: He won't have the guts to do that again.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tttruckit
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2014
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Here's a long one, it won't disappoint.

My dad's favorite joke of all time (there are many variations, and of course, even more extended versions):

These three guys went to South America to explore the rain forest. The guide was leading them through explaining the different plants and animals. After awhile they started to hear this really loud sound.

whoosh

whoosh

whoosh

The men, kind of scared, asked the guide what the noise was.

"What the hell is that noise?"

"Oh, that's just the Foo bird."

"The Foo bird?"

"Yes, it's a giant bird, and the locals believe that if it poops on you, wiping it off will cause instant death."

"That's silly."

"Well, that's what the locals say."

The noise gets louder and closer.

WHOOSH

WHOOSH

WHOOSH

The men look up in the sky and see a glimpse of the Foo bird.

"It's huge!"

Suddenly...

SPLAT

All four of the men are covered with bird shit. The guide pulls a cloth out of his pocket and wipes the shit off of his face. He drops dead.

The first of the three men says, "that's got to be a coincidence."

He wipes the shit off, and drops dead.

The second guy nervously says, "it can't be true"

He wipes it off and drops dead.

The third guy doesn't wipe it off. He was found a few days later, and went home, refusing to be cleaned.

A few years pass, his life has been destroyed due to being covered in shit. His wife left him, his friends won't come near him, he can't find a job... One day, he's in the bathroom shaving around the shit.

"It's been years, most of it has flaked off, it's probably fine to wipe it off now."

He hesitates, but eventually grabs a towel, wets it down, and takes a deep breath.

He wipes the shit off, looks up into the mirror smiling, then drops dead.

The moral of the story is:

If the Foo shits, wear it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fire_marshall_ill
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2013
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My dad pulled this gem out on a family road trip

I was sitting in the front seat with my dad traveling with the rest of the family when 2 bugs splatted on the windshield...

Dad: What did the 1st bug say to the 2nd?

Me: *sigh * what?

Dad: "I bet you don't have the guts to do that again."

Groans ensued from everyone including my 78 year old grandma who can barely hear from the back seat.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xhlgtrashcanx
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2014
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Mean drunk

Guy goes to a bar that he's never been to before, to see what it's about. It's a bit noisy, and he mentions this to the bartender. Bartender tells him there's an upper level, quieter, but with some weird locals.

Guy goes upstairs and finds the place completely empty except for the upstairs bartender and one other man drinking. He sits down beside the other man and orders a beer.

The other man says "You ever been here before?"

"Nope. What's it like?"

"Well, the view is nice up here. But what's really great are the wind patterns."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, see this window right here? If you jump out the window, the wind will spin you around and push you back in. Here, I'll demonstrate."

At this the other man opens the window and jumps out. He spins around in the air and falls back in.

"Now you try it!"

Guy jumps out the window as well, but falls splat on the ground.

Bartender looks at the other man and says "Superman, you're really mean when you're drunk, you know that?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Caddan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2015
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My dad busted this one out last time we were driving together

A random bug splats on the windshield

Dad: "What do you think was the last thing to go through that bugs mind?"

Me: "I don't know... what?"

Dad: "It's ass."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flyguy727
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2013
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*bug splats on windshield* "Bet he doesn't have the guts to do that again"
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ABellGargoyle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2015
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