Why didn't Joe run for office in 2016?
A bloke runs in to a bar and says. Quick how tall are penguins? The barman says about three feet. The man groans and says :--
I have just run over a NUN
He might have lost this election but he will probably run again in 4 years...
Two cowboys are lost in the desert when one sees a tree draped in bacon. He yells “it’s a bacon tree” then runs to it and is shot up with bullets
It wasn’t a bacon tree it was a Ham Bush
A man who runs in front of a car gets tired,
a man who runs behind a car gets exhausted.
Two cowboys walking through the plains, no food or water, death imminent. When through hazy vision one of them spies a tree, covered in bacon by an oasis of pure clean. One cowboy hide behind a rock, as his confused friend runs to the tree... only to be gunned down by some bandits.
The second cowboy is relieved to be alive, and thankful that he knew that that was no bacon tree.
It was a ham bush
If you run in front of a car
You will get tired. And if you run behind a car, you will get exhausted
I was riding to a beach in this remote part of the district and stopped at this run down petrol pump
A kid was manning the pump and I asked if they take cards
He replies with a straight face : No we give it back after swiping
Alcoholics don’t run in my family
But sometimes they fall down the stairs.
You can't run in a campground
You can only ran because it's past tents
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree ! We’re saved!” He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
/r/Jokes/comments/i7puax/…
Ever run out of water in the mountains?
I went camping and a grizzly approached me. I was terrified. I was about to run, but the grizzly stopped and said, “you will die in 10 days.” I replied, “who are you??”
He said, “I hate to be the bear of bad news.”
What does the creator of flex tape run in?
Flex shoes; they make him go Phil Swift!
A Teacher asked his student How many runs can a ball get you in cricket...?
SLPT: If your priest or bishop is molesting your children, tell them to run away in a straight line as priests and bishops can only move diagonally.
/r/ShittyLifeProTips/comm…
A guy starts working at a submarine. In the first day he works as a cleaner, then helps at the kitchen. Next day he runs the ship. In the evening he’s absolutely exhausted so he asks his friend “Why I have to change my position every time?”
He replies “I know, this sub is full of reposts”
My friend wanted me to run some moonshine in decorative bottles out of state for him, but I'm wary...
That's pretty whiskey business.
Every time the doorbell rings, my dog runs and stands in the corner.
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins and was about to run straight home to tell my wife
Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.
What do you call a long race in which only female horses can run?
My grandad of 85 sent me these today. Runs in the family. (Last one is funny if you know Hindi)
Two elderly women were sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat runs up and flashes them. One woman has a stroke.
The other couldn’t reach.
They say depression runs in my family
I guess I have blue genes
You can’t run in a campground
You can only ran because it’s past tents. This came from my math teacher. Sorry if this has been posted before.
My friend started a java joint run by himself in Tel Aviv...
It's call HeBrews Coffee.
Why do ducks in a lake always fly away when you run up to them?
Did you hear about the hit and run in Nepal?
They found Himalayan in the street!
My girlfriend said it’d really be a nice birthday surprise if I got her something to run around in.
So I bought her a tracksuit.
Witnessed in the wild, old dude talking to a sick little kid: Did you know that if your nose runs and your feet smell you're built upside down?
There is a deleted scene in Lord of the Rings when Bilbo and Frodo run into a long lost hipster cousin.
If Michelle Obama were to run for president in 2020 on the campaign promise of legalizing marijuana, what would her campaign slogan be?
When they go low, we get high.
A drug dealer with a lisp lived in a run down house
You could say it was a meth.
Dad does dementia run in the family?
"I don't remember." (Offical dad joke from my dad)
Hippos can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster than humans in water.
Which means the bicycle is your only chance of beating a hippo in a triathlon.
I like to claim that the Greek Orthodox secretly run the world through its financial networks…For some reason people are ok with that, try putting a different religion in there and suddenly you’re a conspiracy theorist and hate criminal
Those Catholics are real sensitive sometimes
I was saddened to learn that my cousin was run over by a boat in Venice today.
I sent his family my Gondolences.
I hope I'm the first to say this about the next US presidential election. Last election left plenty of people mad, but we won't have any near sighted politicians next time, because whoever runs in 2020 will have a clear vision of the future.
Because 20/20 vision means you have perfectly good sight.
Pun on a pun: I wonder if RealClearPolitics.com will catch on.
People get really upset when I run up to them in the street, and try to make plaster casts of their faces.
At least that’s the impression I get.
Cardio is good for your health in the long run
I don't know where love for shoes comes from. Must run in my jeans.
imgur.com/f1o9gLd
Just found a victim of hit and run in a parking lot. Crime is unbearable.
My wife was out for a run and said she had to take an emergency poop in the woods. I want to believe her...
But I think it's a load of crap.
Carrying a water bottle helps you in the long run.
What kind of horses run in your sleep?
The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family...
The problem is no one runs in your family.
Just got run over by a guy in a wheelchair
He must wheelie hate me (☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞
A man runs into a hospital in a frenzy yelling "I'm shrinking! I'm shrinking!"
A nurse approaches him and says "Sir, you're just going to have to be a little patient."
Cricket players involved in match fixing are sure to give you a run for your money.
What do you call someone who runs around a laboratory resetting scales in the middle of an experiment?
I have proof that amazon is in fact run by dads...
http://i.imgur.com/g46ulSE.png
The law states one cannot run in a campground.
You can only ran because it's past tents.
/r/Dadjokes runs strong in my family...
We got onto the subject of colloidal silver turning people blue (not like Yondu) and my 7 year old son said after seeing pictures...
"Thats what you call a case of the blues."
Two beetles run into each other in a week old baguette
One says to the other, 'I thought I was the only beetle around these parts. Where are you from?'
The other responds, 'Who, me? I was born in bread right here.'
What does a lobster have in common with a Pakistani who has been run over by a truck?
They are both crustaceans.
Training for a marathon helps in the long run.
Regardless of who wins the election today, let's hope that whoever runs in 2020 has the perfect vision this country needs.
Sorry Bernie fans, but he wears glasses so he's either far or near-sighted.
My dad's favorite jokes from his opa (it runs in the family, evidently)
-
All good things must come to an end, except for a hot dog, it has two.
-
(While watching tv) I always wondered why they never invented smellovision... (although sadly that is now a "thing" because of that stupid Honey Boo Boo scratch'n'sniff...siiiigh)
-
(When Opa had heart-attack symptoms and was getting a sonogram) So is it a boy or a girl? (apparently the humor was lost on the nurse)
Good shoes are always helpful in the long run.
Classic 7-11 run in experience.
My dad and I were getting our free slushies for free slushy day because fucking free slushies. Anyways, we get in the line and he sees the Pina Coolada flavor is in stock and running, and out of nowhere he shouts "Oh awesome, they have Penis Colossus! That's my go to slushy flavor."
Most embarrassing moment of my life, partially because a girl I had a crush on was there and he knew it. Well played Dad, well played.
What do a crab, a lobster, and a Japanese guy run over in the middle of the road all have in common?
They're all Crushed-Asians!
(Crustaceans)
George Michael runs into Carrie Fisher in the Afterlife...
Super Mario Run will come out in Brazil first...
It's launching in Ma-Rio De Janeiro.
My co-worker wondered out loud why the super nice prison inmates that run our print ship are in jail.
I said, "maybe they killed someone with kindness!"
Was wandering around San Fran when I happened to run into the building I'll be working in all week...
When I called my parents and told them I found it during my walk, my dad told me, "Well I hope you didn't get hurt!" ....thanks dad.
Dadjoked by my aunt (who is my dad's sister, runs in the family)
Grandma: Do you like Hummus?
Aunt Kim: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
Spent Spring Break with them, this was all I heard. :)
A classic Dadjoke that runs in the family
Always told whenever there's a family get together / dinner / speech.
Q: "What did the grape say when it got run over by a steam roller?"
A: "Nothing, it just let out a little whine."
Dad-Jokes run in the family, my sister dropped this one on me today
I was driving my younger sister to one of her youth group meetings earlier today and I talked about how I had first seen a funeral procession that morning on the day to school. I started asking several rhetorical questions such as:
But now here comes the gold...
"It was a long procession...I'm sure (s)he was loved." Turns toward her "Do you know what the stages of grief are? It's weird how we say the human experience is unique for everyone, but almost everyone mourns in the same way. Do you know what happens after the mourning?"
I sat there in awe after having quivered before the dad-joke incarnate in front of me when I hear in response:
"Why of course, the afternoon silly!"
Edit: I accidentally a format
If you run in front of a car...
If you run in front of a car you get tired, if you run behind a car you get exhausted
You can’t run in a campsite.
You can only ran, because it’s past tents.
You cant run in a campground
You can only ran, because its past tents.
He who runs in front of a car
Confucious say a man who runs in front of bus gets tired.
A man who runs behind gets exhausted.
You can't run in a campground...
You can only ran because it's past tents!
You can’t run in a campsite, you can only ran
Why can't you run in a campground?
You can only ran, because it's past tents.
Why can't you run in a campsite?
You can only ran, because it's past tents.
Why can’t you run in a campground?
Did you know you can never run in a campground? You can only ran.
If you run in front of a car you'll get tired...
But if you run behind the car you'll get exhausted!
Why can’t you run in a campground?
You can only ran because it’s past tense.
Why can’t you run in a campground ?
You can only ran because it’s “past tents”
What's a similarity between a man who runs in front of a car and a man who runs behind a car?
They both need sleep...the man in front of the car gets tired and the man behind the car gets exhausted.
if you run in front of a car you get tired, if you run behind a car you get exhausted (x-post Shower Thoughts)
You can't run in a camp ground. Only ran.
You can never run in a campground....
You can only ran, because its past tents.
What happens when you run in front of a bus?
You get tired.
What happens when you run behind a bus?
You get exhausted.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
