His nose is bright enough to act as a headlight for Santa's sleigh, so assume it's 60 watts.
I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.
Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.
Do your worst!
I'm surprised it hasn't decade.
For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.
I said "hey look, an escaPEA"
No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!
Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂
It really does, I swear!
The title is their claim, don't shoot the messenger! Video for context:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFS_DBtDkU0
I was not a fan of the recent TimeGhost episode on the Vikings. I will make a disclaimer and say that I really like their content, in particular the Great War channel and WW2, and listen to them often. When it comes to those channels, there is a deep historical authenticity and I can tell they are well-researched. But alas, their thesis on the Vikings feels misguided, and may fall into the issue of “bad history”. It is not because of what they said, but rather, the lack of what they said in my opinion.
(Secondary Disclaimer: Forgive me for putting a lot of sources based on the English side of things, it was my speciality for this era of history and one I know best.)
First of all, let me address this point: they did a good job on discussing the problems with the term “viking” as there is much debate. From what I have researched, their claim on nobody of the era referring to the Norsemen as “Viking” seems largely correct. In The Anglo-Saxon Chronicle it refers to the Norse as either “Heathen Army” (the sons of Ragnar Lodbrok according to Norse Sagas) or “Danes”. Asser, the chronicler of King Alfred, also refers to them as such. Asser claims to be a contemporary source.
(Though some debate over Asser’s authenticity has arisen. In particular, Alfred Smyth of the University of Kent had claimed that a monk from the 10th century had written it as a forgery. He has been contested by other scholarship such as Simon Kenyes and arguments from historians before him, like Dorothy Whitelock, who argues it is too well-researched to be a forgery. I’m of the historical opinion that it is genuine.)
But besides that point, the main thesis that TimeGhost is presenting seems to be arguing that Vikings were never an ethnicity. I agree with this claim, but mostly because I have failed to see any historians saying the contrary. The problem is how the argument is presented.
From the video’s description: Vikings: Scandinavian a people from Scandinavia, or a bunch of multiethnic seafaring barbarians who pillaged, raped, and conquered their way through more than three centuries of European history? Or maybe they never existed at all?
The last sentence is erroneous. I understand trying to pose a question to debunk cultural misconceptions, but to question whether they never existed is silly. The term is a l
... keep reading on reddit ➡If you’re just here for Christmas shenanigans, welcome. I’ve tried to make this accessible even if you’ve never read my stuff. (I don’t blame ya, it’s crap.)
If you’ve read my story, be aware that this is completely non-canon to non-canon. The story’s actual timeline is several months off from Christmas, so it’s not going to reach December for a good long while. Things can change pretty quick when your home planet’s cranky and hasn’t had its coffee.
❄ ❆ Wiki for cast list and the rest of my mess ❄ ❆
❄ ❆ ❄ ❆ ❄ ❆ ❄ ❆ ❄ ❆ ❄
>The season's upon us, it's that time of year
>Brandy and eggnog, there's plenty of cheer
>There's lights on the trees
>And there's wreaths to be hung
>There's mischief and mayhem
>And songs to be sung
>— The Season’s Upon Us, Dropkick Murphys*
“Hat!” Matt exclaimed in delight. The short, olive complexioned boy was digging in a shipping container perhaps half a meter cubed, and at his exclamation pulled out a velvet-and-fake-fur Santa hat. He immediately put it on over his dark hair to the amusement of those around him, Human or otherwise.
He kept pulling things out one at a time, explaining each item he produced. “Extra big canister of cocoa, awesome! Ok, this is cinnamon - ok, and so is this... and this. Ok, Mom. Well, good, gonna need it. It’s a really popular spice on Earth, particularly for sweet food and baking, but it’s really versatile. Oooh, this is ginger, it’s used for sweet or savoury...”
Any sort of package was rare indeed, for the Humans. The excitement vibrating off Matt when he got the notification about a delivery was impossible for him to hide, and had been contagious. So the Humans - and many of the students they’d come to consider friends - ended up in one of the lounges in the south dorm, below the boys’ rooms.
To the Shil’vati, it was a window into the world and psyche of the humans. It also seemed natural to them to spoil boys a little, and they thought little of the fact that only the boys had received anything at all.
A weight settled on the seat beside Hope and she looked over at Priti, who leaned against her side with a sympathetic smirk. The petite Indian girl was rarely fooled by the younger brown-haired girl’s attempts at stoicism.
“How are you doing?” Priti asked quietly.
“I’m fine,” Hope insisted, a little too firmly. “It’s not like they could shovel some...
... keep reading on reddit ➡Another ad for you haters ;)
I created this checklist for my own holiday cheer, but after seeing several posts asking about things to in Las Vegas, I am sharing it here.
I don't work for any of these places. I do not see any profit from it. I have not visited them all yet for the season so I cannot comment on how they are this year. I am also probably missing some events and displays, so feel free to let me know.
Have fun, and post pics! Here's my favorite Vegas Christmas song to celebrate
Casino / Community Displays (Free)
☐ Wynn (Who is ready to be holly and jolly? The holidays have arrived to Wynn Las Vegas.)
☐ Venetian/Palazzo (Saw this video of the decor on YouTube)
☐ Cool Yule at The Park ([Twinkling lights, festive décor, and strolling Santas greet visitors and locals at “Cool Yule” at The Park. As guests wander through The Park, they’ll encounter breakdancing elves, live music, and acapella carolers. Specialty Cocktails will also be served at Beerhaus and the Cool Yule Bar. Admission is free.](https://www.mgmresorts.com/en/things
... keep reading on reddit ➡Weather (Powered by Dark Sky)
Light rain tomorrow afternoon and evening.
Around 0 to 1 degrees.
Travel
No line problems reported.
What's On Today
Self led Workshop - Share some South Asian Games (Scotland Street School Museum)
Currently Scotland Street is the only school designed by Charles Rennie Mackintosh that is still open to the public. This guide-led tour allows visitors to choose the topics for discussion and route of their walk around the building. This is inten...
GlaswegAsians (Scotland Street School Museum)
A Colourful Heritage exhibition celebrating 150 years of South Asian and Muslim history in Glasgow. Explore the community’s contribution to the city and commemorate the 80th anniversary of World War Two by learning about the British Indian Army s...
First complete illustrated book of all 676 internationally important ship models published (Riverside Museum)
Glasgow is renowned throughout the world as a centre for shipbuilding, this reputation is reflected in the city’s internationally significant collection of ship models, which are cared for by Glasgow Museums. A new book Glasgow Museums: The Ship...
Treasured shoe added to Athenia display on 80th anniversary of the sinking (Riverside Museum)
Eighty years ago the SS Athenia was outbound from Glasgow, Liverpool and Belfast to Montreal, Canada with over 1,000 passengers on board. On the day World War 2 was declared in September 1939 it was attacked and sunk, becoming the first maritime c...
Step inside Driver’s Cab from ‘Train of the Future’ (Riverside Museum)
Come to Riverside and step inside a life-size replica driver’s cab of the brand new Nova 2 train by FirstGroup TransPennine Express. The child-friendly interactive display is based on a new state-of-the-art electric locomotive, set to be introduce...
Dorothee Pullinger displays honours trailblazing automotive engineer (Riverside Museum)
Driving Force: Dorothée Pullinger and the Galloway Car celebrates the achievements of British engineering pioneer, business woman and racing driver Dorothée Pullinger. Dorothee co-founded the Women’s Engineering Society (WES) and we are deligh...
[Going Green – The Drive for Energy Efficiency](https://list.co.
... keep reading on reddit ➡They’re on standbi
Because she wanted to see the task manager.
Meet the Milsbury’s
Miller Marcus Milsbury grabbed his rucksack and threw it onto the conveyor belt in front of him. The pack of luggage and essentials rolled down the belt, joining the dozens of other bags at the spaceport checkpoint. He watched as the sack full of all his survival essentials trundled across the machine and rolled through the scanner. He then put on a different item, using much more care than before.
Gently, he set on a large, black case, meticulously labeled with “fragile” stickers. The word was spelled out in several of the most well known and spoken languages in the Shil’vati empire, but with English and Shil’ being the largest and most prevalent. Sweat began to bead his brow as he watched it progress down, his hands trembling. The Shil’ guard manning the security checkpoint grabbed the case off the conveyor, and began inspecting it with a discerning eye.
What you got in here?” Her universal translator garbled out as she glanced it over. Miller let out a deep breath.
“Personal items, mostly. Nothing special.” He said as confidently as he could. The Shil’ guard raised her eyebrow, looking over the item.
“Then you won’t mind if I open it, right?” She said more as a statement than a question. Miller felt unease form in his stomach.
“Actually, I would very much mind that.” He said matter-of-factly to her. The Shil’ guard rolled her eyes.
"Sir, this is a routine inspection for your safety and the safety of others." she droned out in a monotone voice.
“I just don’t want you rummaging through my stuff.” He said with a huff. The Shil’ guard glared at him.
"Sir. I assure you I am a trained professional. Nothing untoward will be happening with your boxers, and I'll even be wearing gloves." She stated irritatedly, holding up a loose pair of blue nitrile gloves.
Miller shook his head no.“Well I just don’t like it, do you have to do it?” He asked.
A strong hand with long nails clasped down onto his shoulder firmly, gripping it. Miller turned and looked up behind him, craning his neck to see up.
And there she was.
Tall, imposing, towering over him and casting a shadow. Even among Shil, she was large. Broader, taller, and more muscular. Anyone could recognize her military bearing, and the service jacket she wore over her plainclothes showed off her marine battalion’s name proudly.
A Shil’ marine.
Enough to make nearly anyone piss their pants.
“What’re you so nervous about? It’s just a routine inspec
... keep reading on reddit ➡I say definitive because I am sure this has been done before - but this is the one. I will not apologise for anything I am about to say. Here is a ranking of (almost) every Brooklyn 99 character (only those who appeared in >1 episode)
52. Caleb John Gosche - The dude eats children. Don't question this placement.
51. Zeke - He's nasty to Terry which puts him bottom of the list, beaten only by a cannibal.
50. Darlene Linetti - Cheated on Lynn Boyle. Enough said.
49. John Kelly - Ugh. Just UGH.
48. Deputy Commissioner Podolski - Not only are you bland, but you raised a brat. Congrats Deputy Commissioner - ya boring.
47. Melanie Hawkins - Framed Jake and Rosa. Get in the bin.
46. Geoffrey Hoytsman - He was a bit of a shitter before his life was ruined, and it only got worse from there.
45. Warden Granville - Boring.
44. Olivia Crawford - I had to Google Olivia Crawford, because - who? Seriously, who?
43. Debbie Fogle - I mean, her episode was funny, but let's not pretend her character brought anything.
42. Bill Hummertrout - A bit too try-hard. Get your own friends Bill.
41. Vivian Ludley - The only person that can make 'Full Boyle' work is Boyle. She just made it weird.
40. Trudy Judy - Trudy should spend less time thinking about butts and more thinking about being less annoying.
39. Sheriff Reynolds - I really do laugh so hard every time I watch how this sheriff in Florida gets so horrified by two men kissing. But also, its the 21st Century. Reynolds sucks.
38. Teddy Wells - The man goes to jazz brunch. Oh and he proposes to ex girlfriends in the presence of his current girlfriend.
37. Detective Lohank - Who? JK, but really who cares about him. RIP Cinnamon though.
36. Bob Annderson - No but really Bob, who spells Annderson with 3 ns?
35. Veronica Hopkins - She held that grudge over being dumped a bit too long. The guys moved on, married, and has kids and you're still sulking? Girl.
34. Fire Marshal Boone - I'd take the pole over the stairs too.
33. Captain McGintley - Granted, we didn't see much of him, but we wouldn't have Holt if McGintley had stuck around, so I'm happy to put him near the middle of the list.
32. Maura Figgis - She pulled her own tooth out and threw it in someone's eye. Badass.
31. Oliver Cox - So weird, but his very rare cameos are so good. Also he's a writer on the show, so I feel he deserves recog
... keep reading on reddit ➡
Pilot on me!!
Nothing, he was gladiator.
Weather (Powered by Dark Sky)
Possible light rain until tomorrow morning.
Around 8 to 10 degrees.
Travel
Trains are fucked.
What's On Today
Bar Gallus Pub Quiz (Gallus)
A quiz with the chance to win cash, food and drink, taking in showbiz nonsense, pictures, music, general knowledge and fun. Hosted by sequinned Glasgow pub quiz aristocrat, Sir James.
Elfingrove (Kelvingrove Art Gallery & Museum)
This Christmas we’re bringing you a world class ice experience like no other to the grounds of Kelvingrove Museum, and we can’t wait to show you!
The Siggy Pub Quiz (The Signal Box)
Event suspended - venue undergoing function room refurb
Olive The Other Reindeer (Tron Theatre)
Olive dreams of delivering presents to all the boys and girls at Christmas time. To do that she has to enlist in Santa’s Training School and pass her exams, then she can ride alongside Rudolph and Santa. Hoorah!
Scottish Premiership: Rangers Vs St Johnstone (Ibrox Stadium)
Rangers take on St Johnstone in this Scottish Premiership fixture.
YUNG BANS (CCA)
Valid ID includes passports, driving licences, over 16+ zip oyster photocard and citizen cards. Photocopies will not be accepted.
Bubbles: Reflections on Becoming Mother by Laura Bissell (The Outwith Agency)
Luath Press are delighted to launch Bubbles: Reflections on Becoming Mother, an intimate insight into what it means to be a mother by author Laura Bissell.
Early Summer (Glasgow Film Theatre)
Characteristically focusing on the texture of family life, Ozu's 'Early Summer' chronicles the efforts exerted by a father to marry off his 'old maid' daughter.
Ocean Colour Scene (Barrowland Ballroom)
'The Birmingham band’s story is already the stuff of legend: a rip-roaring rock’n’folk odyssey set to a backdrop of over 20 years of UK pop culture at its very best. Ocean Colour Scene have notched up nine albums, three of which went Top 5 – 1996’...
A Christmas Carol (Tramway)
Following our five-star production in 2018, everyone’s favourite Christmas story is back at Tramway.
[Life](https://list.co.uk/eve
... keep reading on reddit ➡
Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.
This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.
If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.
Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.
generally I would like them to be weird and slightly dark though if you have any ideas I would love to hear them
1 you grow a white beard
2 you grow reindeer antlers
3 your nose glows red
4 you become fat
5 Christmas lights grow out of your hair in addition to your hair
6 you wish to give people gifts, all the time
7 you prefer freezing cold weather, all other weathers disgust you
8 your blood becomes hot chocolate
9 a random body part (arms, legs, horns if you have them, etc) becomes made of candy cane
10 You begin to crave high calorie/sugary foods. u/snakebite262
11 You gain the ability to swallow large amounts of items, ranging from plates of food to a whole turkey. u/snakebite262
12 You begin to ooze eggnog. It's fresh. u/snakebite262
13 Your ears and cheeks become rosy, as if you just came in from the cold. u/snakebite262
14 You skin becomes icy, as if you've been frozen alive. u/snakebite262
15 You become covered in a large bundle of green fur. u/snakebite262
16 Part of you is transformed into a toy (an action figure arm, a large key appears from your back, a wooden head. etc). u/snakebite262
17 You gain a noticeable laugh. (Ho ho ho) u/snakebite262
18 You become greedy and reclusive. You start to revile holidays. (Hey not all of this Christmas cheer is for everyone. You need a Grinch or Scrooge for the holidays). u/snakebite262
19 Your lower body is replaced with a jack in the box. u/snakebite262
20 Whenever you're not in view of anyone, you suddenly find yourself wearing an ugly sweater. This is cumulative. u/snakebite262
21 You gain the ability sing Christmas songs as if through a megaphone. u/snakebite262
22 You inflate like a balloon when filled with the Christmas Spirit. u/snakebite262
23 Things freeze at your touch. u/snakebite262
24 Things melt at your touch. u/snakebite262
25 A Holiday miasma fills the air around you, rending other drunken and friendly. u/snakebite262
26 You gain the ability to squeeze through incredibly tight gaps. u/snakebite262
27 You feel the need to cheer up those who are sad. u/snakebite262
28 Lights become dimmer, but more intense as you enter a room. u/snakebite262
29 You gain cooking proficiency and can make a feast for a party at double the speed. u/snakebite262
30 You gain crafting proficiency and can make toys at double the speed. u/snakebite262
31 You can magically conjure a X-mas card. It's a VICTORIAN Christmas card though, so doesn't make any sense. u/snakebite262
32 You have
... keep reading on reddit ➡I won't be doing that today!
I’m writing this as a warning to everybody - don’t trust Downtown Santa.
You know the guy I’m talking about. He’s walking around right now, wearing a grubby old beard that’s no longer snowy white in colour but a dirty grey shade. His red pants are scuffed and his boots are dirty from stepping in dog turds as he roams the streets aimlessly. Always downtown.
I knew the moment I saw him that he wasn’t the REAL Santa Claus. Despite the heavy-looking bag he carried on his shoulder and the red hat lined with white fur sitting atop his head. Still, he saw me right away and came stomping over to us from across the town square.
“Oh no. He saw us,” I heard my mom mutter, grabbing my shoulder protectively. “We should go.”
My dad shook his head, looking only slightly less worried than my mom.
“No, that’ll make it worse. He’ll probably cause a scene. Let’s just get this over with.”
My mother looked horrified. Her eyes had gone wide and she was staring at my dad as if he was losing his mind.
“Over my dead body,” she whispered furiously under her breath to him, but eventually relented as Downtown Santa came within earshot.
He strode over toward us with big, bounding steps and laughed merrily.
“HO, HO, HO, Merry Christmas! What do we have here? What’s your name, little boy,” he asked with good-natured cheer. I wondered if maybe he wasn’t so bad after all, despite his appearance and my parents’ obvious concern, he seemed decent enough, maybe just a little grubby.
“Jacob,” I said back to him.
“Well, Jacob, have you been a good boy this year?”
“I think so. I got good grades, I helped my friend with his homework yesterday, and I always… Well, I usually clean the cat’s litter box on time every week when it’s my turn.”
At this point I still thought it was really Santa, or maybe one of his representatives, so I didn’t want to lie to him. But I’d find out later he was doing way worse stuff than lying. Way worse.
My parents sounded like they were holding their breath behind me and I could feel my mom’s grip on my shoulder getting tighter and tighter.
“Oh, ho, ho, ho! Well, that sounds like a good boy to me! And what did you want for Christmas this year, Jacob? If you could have anything in the world, what would it be?”
I thought about this for a few moments then decided. If there was one thing I wanted it was a new video game system, the one my parents said was too expensive.
“A PS5,” I told him, and he chuckled.
“My, that
... keep reading on reddit ➡
[Removed]
Where ever you left it 🤷♀️🤭
This morning, my 4 year old daughter.
Daughter: I'm hungry
Me: nerves building, smile widening
Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.
She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.
Thank you all for listening.
You take away their little brooms
There hasn't been a post all year!
Weather (Powered by Dark Sky)
Foggy tomorrow morning.
Around 2 to 6 degrees.
Travel
No line problems reported.
What's On Today
Self led Workshop - Share some South Asian Games (Scotland Street School Museum)
Currently Scotland Street is the only school designed by Charles Rennie Mackintosh that is still open to the public. This guide-led tour allows visitors to choose the topics for discussion and route of their walk around the building. This is inten...
GlaswegAsians (Scotland Street School Museum)
A Colourful Heritage exhibition celebrating 150 years of South Asian and Muslim history in Glasgow. Explore the community’s contribution to the city and commemorate the 80th anniversary of World War Two by learning about the British Indian Army s...
First complete illustrated book of all 676 internationally important ship models published (Riverside Museum)
Glasgow is renowned throughout the world as a centre for shipbuilding, this reputation is reflected in the city’s internationally significant collection of ship models, which are cared for by Glasgow Museums. A new book Glasgow Museums: The Ship...
Treasured shoe added to Athenia display on 80th anniversary of the sinking (Riverside Museum)
Eighty years ago the SS Athenia was outbound from Glasgow, Liverpool and Belfast to Montreal, Canada with over 1,000 passengers on board. On the day World War 2 was declared in September 1939 it was attacked and sunk, becoming the first maritime c...
Step inside Driver’s Cab from ‘Train of the Future’ (Riverside Museum)
Come to Riverside and step inside a life-size replica driver’s cab of the brand new Nova 2 train by FirstGroup TransPennine Express. The child-friendly interactive display is based on a new state-of-the-art electric locomotive, set to be introduce...
Dorothee Pullinger displays honours trailblazing automotive engineer (Riverside Museum)
Driving Force: Dorothée Pullinger and the Galloway Car celebrates the achievements of British engineering pioneer, business woman and racing driver Dorothée Pullinger. Dorothee co-founded the Women’s Engineering Society (WES) and we are deligh...
Going Green – The Drive for Energy Efficiency (
... keep reading on reddit ➡When I got home, they were still there.
What did 0 say to 8 ?
" Nice Belt "
So What did 3 say to 8 ?
" Hey, you two stop making out "
