But she still won't admit she framed me.
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
European
I told my doctor and he said I have Klaustrophobia.
The living room!
My 9-yr old son just told me this out of nowhere whilst I was cooking, and I couldn’t be more proud of him!
A naughty plum.
We were maid for each other
We were maid for each other
Her dad said "she's never in style, she's always out of style. Her clothes never look good"!
Dad: web design.
The policeman says “You are the lawyer!”
“Exactly, so where’s my present?” Replies the lawyer.
Lickdown
A nurse comes up to the first man and says, “Congratulations! You are the proud father of a pair of twins!”
“That’s funny...” the man said, “I work for Twin Peaks!”
Another nurse comes into the room and goes to the second man and says, “Congratulations! Your wife has just given birth to triplets!”
“That’s funny...” the second man said, “ I work for the 3M company!”
Yet another nurse comes into the room and says to the third man, “Congratulations! Your wife has just given birth to quadruplets!”
“That’s so funny...” said the third man, “I work at the Four Seasons Hotel!”
The last man is groaning and whining in obvious agony, “What’s wrong?” the other men ask.
“I work at Seven Eleven.” He replied.
Happy Fathers Day!
Son: "Mom, Dad's russian!!"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
Through the Dumbbell-Door
Tenants.
it'd be. fan-fiction
Great dad, undistinguished fireman.
Probably it's mobile.
She said “well just paint it, Red”.
His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."
"Get outta h-ear!", he says to me.
Made me so proud. Unprompted dad jokes from our little apprentices are just so great.
...a man enters and asks them "Can you see me?" and they respond; "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."
Go to the corner there always around 90°
After a couple hours, the guard on duty steps away to use the bathroom.
The one prisoner says: "Quick, this is our chance to escape. We only have a few minutes so have to work together. You rip bedsheets into strips and I'll tie them into a rope, then we can climb down through the window.
The other agrees, "Got it. I sheet, you knot."
I've named him Cotton Eye Joe.
I now need to know:
Where did he come from?
And where did he go?
They're normally around 90 degrees.
I guess I’m just feeling very chairtable.
"I'm measuring your patience!"
They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.
Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.
As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.
They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.
Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?
They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.
"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".
They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.
But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.
The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.
And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!
Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?
"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"
In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and
... keep reading on reddit ➡Tablespoon
"I'm on antidepressants."
He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.
room R has it
“You finally found it, my secret stache”
It’s annoying, but I’m a big fan.
Egos everywhere.
So my 1st Born came into this world on Monday night and we were discharged on Thursday. Upon leaving our room, we were given a metal cart to place our belongings on including our son (in his car seat). As we made our way to the garage, I noticed that when the cart was rolling his car seat would rock a bit. I took this opportunity to exclaim “hey (son’s name) you’re really rockin’ ‘n’ rollin’ now.” My wife then truly realized what is in store for her.
Tenants
I finally snapped and told him to just put a lid on it
They put me in room 144
My friends all say it's naan-sense.
European
I was in solitaire confinement.
He must be plotting something.
Does this make me an organ donor?
Now it feels great in my living room!
May tag. You are it.
Am a dad but never had an original thought before this so here's my first submission.
“Mary, my wife, are you here with me?” “Yes, I am, dearest.”
“And Louise, my mother in law, are you here with me?” “Yes, I am, Paul, I’m here with you.”
“And you, children, are you here, Karen and Henry?” “Yes, yes we are, daddy!” “Then how the hell is the living room light left on?!”
"Tell him I can't see him!"
“What’s a pie room?” she replies, Room 314. We’re staying in room 314. Should have seen the look on her face.
when he began to sob into his keyboard. I went over to ask him what was wrong and he told me that despite lurking for years he still couldn't build up enough confidence to ask DIY how to build a fence.
Disappointed I could only say, "Well son, you can't start to build a fence if you can't even create a post."
A paralegals.
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Why was the fraction apprehensive about marrying the decimal? Because he would have to convert.
-
Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots.
-
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average? It was a mean thing to say!
-
Why was the math book depressed? It had a lot of problems.
-
Why is the obtuse triangle always so frustrated? Because it is never right.
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Why can you never trust a math teacher holding graphing paper? He must be plotting something.
-
Why was the equal sign so humble? Because she knew she wasn’t greater than or less than anyone else.
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What do you call the number 7 and the number 3 when they go out on a date? The odd couple
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What do you call a number that can’t stay in one place? A Roamin’ numeral.
-
Did you hear the one about the statistician? Probably.
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What do you call dudes who love math? Algebros.
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I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trig. I’ll even do statistics. But graphing is where I draw the line!
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Why should you never talk to Pi? Because she’ll go on and on and on forever.
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Why are parallel lines so tragic if they have so much in common? It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
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Are monsters good at math? Not unless you Count Dracula.
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What’s the best way to flirt with a math teacher? Use acute angle.
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Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers? They’d stop at nothing to avoid them.
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How do you stay warm in any room? Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
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Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven eight ("ate") nine!
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Why DID seven eat nine? Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
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Why does nobody talk to circles? Because there is no point.
Read it out loud
Don’t worry, he’s 0 K
Without hesitating, I respond, "You know, that's knot in a cord with what most people call good manners."
I replied, "Notable."
Probably just yacking off
It was covered in so much ice, it froze.
It was in tents.
He walks up to the front desk and says, “Sorry, I forgot what room I’m in, can you help me?”
The receptionist replies, “No problem, sir. This is the lobby.”
Dad looks at his newborn and says, "You heard the doc, you've got 30 days to find a job and move out."
They are immediately rushed back to a room. Soon a Labrador Retriever walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for ten minutes and then leaves. Then a cat comes in, stares at the Chihuahua for ten minutes and then leaves. The doctor then comes back with a 250$ bill. “There must be a mistake”, the man says, “I’ve only been here twenty minutes. “No mistake” the vet says, “It’s 100$ for the lab test, 100$ for the cat scan and 50$ for the medicine”
He is in stitches as we speak.
Apparently I roverdosed myself
Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.
Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.
Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.
The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.
Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.
Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.
One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.
Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.
“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.
The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.
“Yes of course” replied Trevor
... keep reading on reddit ➡
You cut the table in half, because two halves make a hole.
So this surgeon always posts pictures of the masks he wears during his surgery on Instagram. He does this every single time he has a surgery, and his nurses can never understand why. Eventually, he garners a massive following on Instagram. So, he goes into his supervisor's room, and he says, "Hello, it's a pleasure to see you". The supervisor says, "To what do I owe the pleasure?" The surgeon says, "Well, my Instagram business is really taking off. I think it would be better for me to quit being a surgeon and focus on Instagram full time". The supervisor thinks he's a little crazy but decides to let him do what he wants. The former surgeon now goes and buys as many masks as he can to sustain his Instagram account. Eventually, he becomes so wealthy that he is able to buy all these lavish things and not have to worry about economic failure. However, one day, he decides to begin posting pictures of medical needles on his Instagram account instead of masks at about the same time that he gets a horrible sickness that is almost always fatal. Because he posts pictures of masks now, his account begins failing, and even though he tries to save it, he's unable. He no longer has any money to treat the illness and is on his deathbed. His entire family is surrounding him, and his father leans in to hug him. As this happens, the ex-surgeon says in a weak voice, "Dad, where did I go wrong?" The dad, with tears in his eyes, seeing what his son has been reduced to and sadly knowing his dear son's death is imminent says, "You post syringe, you lose subscriber"
We were maid for each other.
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"
We were maid for each other.
Is it still a living room?
We were maid for each other.
His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."
And I saw a group of 10 ants just running frantically, I felt bad for them so I made a house out of a cardboard box. This technically makes me their landlord and they are my...
Tenants
So, I was in my room and I saw a group of 10 ants just running frantically. I felt bad, so I made a small house for them out of a cardboard box. This technically makes me their landlord and they are my...
Tenants.
Everyone hates it, but I’m a fan.
I opened the door and there stood a kitchen sink. He said "You have everything but me." I let that sink in for a while.
The living room
