Richárd Rapport Puns

To do this I used fide ratings. I still take classical more into account than rapid and rapid more into account than blitz, this is because I value calculations more than intuition and pattern recognition. For that reason this is very much a subjective ranking. Also, this is a ranking of the players of April 2021 therefore this will only take into account players who are playing rn (no Kasparov, Fischer, etc...)

My methodology is multipliying the classical ratings by 6, the rapid ratings by 2, and the blitz ratings by 1, adding it all up and then dividing it all by 9.

Let's take Fabiano as an example: (2820*6+2773*2+2711)/9= 2797,44

Doing all this gave me this result:

20th Dmitri Vladimirovitch Andreikine,

19th Jan Krzysztof Duda

18th Serguéi Aleksándrovich Kariakin

17th Alireza Firouzja

16th Leinier Domínguez Pérez

15th Wang Hao

14th Richárd Rapport

13th Viswanathan "Vishy" Anand

12th Shakhriyar Mamedyarov

11th Anish Giri

10th Teimour Radjabov

9th Wesley Barbasa So

8th Hikaru Nakamura

7th Levón Aronián

6th Aleksandr Ígorevich Grischuk

5th Yan Aleksándrovich Nepómniaschi

4th Maxime Vachier-Lagrave

3rd Fabiano Luigi Caruana

2nd Ding Liren

1st Magnus Carlsen

The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.

Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.

The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:

"What's sarong with that?"

I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).

His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.

--Edit-- I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)

--Edit-- Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.

I would have a daughter

But Bill kept the Windows

True story; it even happened last night. My 5-year-old son walks up behind me and out of the blue says, "hey."

I turn to him and say, "yeah, kiddo? What's up?"

He responds, "it's dead grass."

I'm really confused and trying to figure out what's wrong and what he wants from me. "What? There's dead grass? What's wrong with that?"

.

.

.

He says, totally straight-faced, "hay is dead grass," and runs off.

And then you will all be sorry.

No it doesn't.

Now it’s syncing.

He replied, "Well, stop going to those places then!"

I will find you. You have my Word.

She said how do you know he was headed to work?

“thank you for your cervix.”

Made me smile

Mods said I'm a cereal reposter...

But now I stand corrected.

Wait. Sorry, wrong sub.

...sails are going through the roof.

Wookie mistake.

Theoretical Fizz-ics

Because you can’t ‘C’ in the dark

I said, “That makes two of us.”

so I had to ground him.

He's doing better currently.

And conducting himself properly.

Me: Can we change the subject?

My wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

Who buys gummy worms hoping they’d taste as close to real worms as possible?

A taxi

He's currently assembling his cabinet.

Big deal. I have had a Canon printer for years.

Because it'll blow his cover