Imagine being held at gunpoint by (bear with me) a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on social media.

wHo the hEll would beLieve such a thing can hapPen.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SocialPerformer
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
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Three little pigs

Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.

The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, โ€œI no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.โ€

Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.

Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, โ€œLetโ€™s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.โ€

Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.

Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didnโ€™t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didnโ€™t want to spend too much time building.

Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.

Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.

Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.

The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.

Scott said, โ€œLittle Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!โ€

Pork Chop replied, โ€œNo way Josรฉ! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!โ€

Scott, undeterred by the reply says, โ€œThen Iโ€™ll huff, and Iโ€™ll puff, and Iโ€™ll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!โ€

Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.

Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scottโ€™s massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hamboneโ€™s house.

Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RageMonster17
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
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My dad dropped this ones back in 2010 after those Chilean miners were rescued.

Us watching the news cast telling us they were rescued.

Dad: โ€œWow thatโ€™s crazy. And even after that long ordeal they still canโ€™t have any alcohol to celebrate.โ€

Me: (Wondering if it had to do medically with the length of time they were underground or the extreme depth.) โ€œReally? Why?โ€

Dad: โ€œBecause they are still minersโ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 64
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dontbthatguy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 22 2018
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Last Summer With My Girlfriend

Last summer, my girlfriend and I went camping. One of the days, we were having lunch by a river (a kind of a picnic sort of thing). Now, I talk a lot when I eat, so she finished eating waaaaay before I did. Once she was finished, she took to the water to cool off while I continued munching away.

Now, I guess she must have slipped or something, because all of a sudden I heard a cry and she was just gone. Washed away. I saw her head bob above the surface probably 20 yards downstream, and moving fast towards some rapids (probably 100-150 yards away). So I'm pretty panicked at this point, but she manages to grab onto a low-hanging branch (just like in a movie or something). She's coughing and sputtering and hollering for help, trying to keep a grip on the branch.

So, I set down my avocado I'd been snacking on and walked out into the water. "hurry! I can't hold on much longer," she's yelling. I kept walking towards her, but the bottom of the river was so muddy that it was probably pretty slow. She started to get angry with me "SWIM over here! Why are you walking? Please hurry!" She yelled, with great urgency. All in all, it took me probably 8 minutes to cover the 80 yards or so to get to her. After I rescued her, she was super mad for some reason. She was all "I almost died, why were you going so slow? Who does that? What's wrong with you?"

"Well," I said. "Good things are worth wading for."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 38
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TheRiz89
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 07 2014
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Two woman are sitting on a roof because their town is being flooded

The second woman looks to the first woman and asks what they should do?

"God will save us" she says.

The two women sit there for a while and watch the water continue to rise. Eventually a rescue team in a rubber dinghy turn up.

"Jump on" says the rescuer. The second woman quickly jumps into the dinghy. The first woman looks annoyed and states bluntly that "God will save me". The rescuer shakes his head and drives off.

A few hours go by and the rain begins falling harder and harder. The entire house aside from the roof is submerged.

She hears the sound of a helicopter before she sees it. The helicopter hovers above and throws down a rope ladder.

"Climb up!" Shouts the rescuer.

The woman shakes her head refusing to move "No, god will save me".

The rescuer shakes his head and the helicopter flies off.

Time passes by and the water is now up to the top of the roof. She hears an aeroplane swoop in low overhead, dropping life jackets along the street for anyone left behind.

"No" she shakes her head "God will save me!"

The inevitable happens and after she drowns the storms into heaven upset. "God! Why didn't you save me?"

He looks to her and rolls his eyes. "Well I sent a boat, a helicopter and a life jacket what else do you want me to do?"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Naiphe
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 02 2018
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Got dadjoked by my Captain

We were going over our rope rescue equipment and I noticed that part of the rope was becoming worn.

Me: "Hey Captain. There's a spot here that looks a little worn, should we be worried."

Captain: "We should be afraid."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 15
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FantasticFruitBowl
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 22 2014
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Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on Reddit.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 23k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/StewPaddasso
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 28 2017
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