A list of puns related to "Replacing Dad"
“My left knee, my right knee, and my wee-nie”
Me: How many times do you think electricians get electrocuted? Dad: Once.
"We're number 1 in the number 2 business!"
Then Soviet...
“Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
Grandpa: My hip replacement.
Knowing a slam book could not be replaced I tried consoling him, but I remembered digitalized it for him a year ago I quickly logged on to the PC to check if I had a backup. He quickly smiled and said it had a Blue cover, after about 10mins of searching I asked him if he remembered what I named the book. He burst out and said Facebook.
Frustrated I left the room to find my entire family sitting in the hall, and my mother goes "He did it to you too, didn't he"
And I'm here perplexed by the lengths a dad would go for his jokes.
It's a good thing too, because i had nowhere to put my pair of boats
Me (dad): You're going to redo the whole solar system?
My dad: Yeah, we're gonna put in a new transformer and replace some cable and add some panels.
Me: But where are you gonna put Jupiter?
My son: Daaaaaad!
*sister takes out the trash but doesn't replace the trash bag*
Dad: "hey do you have a whole butt?"
Sister: *blinks* "what?"
Dad: "do you have a whole butt? or do you have a half butt?"
Sister: "uh I am pretty sure a whole butt..."
Dad: *points to trashcan* "then why did you half ass the job?"
Dad: It's the Pink Panther.
Me: I don't get it.
Dad: Dead ant, dead ant...
He made up for it by giving me a replacement keyboard at least.
Dad and I have been replacing the fence in his back yard the last few weeks when I'm off work. We had the posts up but he finally put up the fence boards, and they're enormously tall. I reacted when I saw them.
"Jeez, dad, are you building a great wall?"
"No, a fence."
"None taken."
He responded with a glorious eye roll. It said, "I'm proud of you, son."
Walked into my parents house today to find that my father had replaced three ordinary light fixtures with ceiling fans.
Me- "dad you should really look at selling the house, it is more popular than ever."
Dad- "Why do you say that?"
Me- "Because it has more fans than ever."
Dad (after laughing more than I had ever heard him laugh) - "I wish I thought of that!"
Patient: Why couldn't they play cards on the Ark?
Me: Why?
Patient: Because Noah was standing on the deck.
He chuckled so satisfyingly. 84-years-old, one day post-op from a total knee replacement, proof that nothing can stop the dad jokes.
One summer my dad who was a jack of all trades construction worker type, my cousin that's an electrician and my dad's uncle who had Parkinson's disease were all working on an electrical project at my Uncles house. Replacing a power meter is pretty dangerous if the power is not shut off and if you touch the wrong thing, it could very easily kill you.
So here these three men are. My electrician cousin says "Okay, don't friggin touch me. I gotta slide this washer on here and if I touch the sides, I'll fry." So as he's doing this, he's shaking because he's nervous. Eventually he stops to take a breather and my uncle says "Give me that thing." To which my dad responds "Are you crazy? This is not a job for Parkinson's"
My uncle gets kinda bummed and says something about not being able to do anything anymore and my dad tries to cheer him up by saying "Oh come on, there are plenty jobs you can have, Rick".
My uncle says "Yea, like what?"
My dad responds "I dunno... Sifting."
My uncle laughed harder than I had seen him laugh in a long time.
When we replacing the brakes on the car he made this remark.
Me: Yeah, the brakes sounded really bad.
Dad: I guess they were Braking Bad..
My brother turned to my dad and told him that "apparently Vin Diesel won't be in Fast and the Furious 8."
My dad quickly replied with "Yep, I heard he's being replaced with Vin Unleaded."
My dad loves his puns.
Dad informs me his girlfriend finished fixing the grandfather clock by replacing a broken weight. Ends it with, "boy that sure is a weight off her shoulders."
My dad and I were working up on a scissor lift replacing a light fixture. All went well, and as we brought it down we headed outside. As we went past a group of girls on their smoke break, my dad looks over and says, "Need a lift?" The grin on his face was priceless. We all had a reluctant, but wholesome chuckle.
Long post is long:
Her: Remember dad's tomato bushes? Well they're attacking! At least one is leaning across the path trying to get at my window... We had the war of the roses, now its time for the attack of the tomatoes!
Me: I don't remember anything about tomato bushes. From one battle to the next.
Her: Yep! Lookout tomatoes here comes the chutney recipe!
Me: I can just imagine a cucumber campaign. Operation onion would be next, which will fail, causing everyone to cry. Dill Day follows, a great success for the allied gardeners. All too soon though, the kamikaze carrots set in, utterly ruining the radish raid. The mushroom maneuver is employed, saving the troops, allowing them to deal the final blow in the asparagus assault!
Her: Don't forget the pumpkins want to supply ground cover with heavy support...
Me: Ah yes, the pumpkin paratroopers.
Her: Thyme is running out...
Me: Prepare the beetroot bombs!!!
Her: Aim for Potato Garden!
Me: Fire the capsicum! Deploy the celery team!
Her: Bring in the egg plant division to support the capsicum!
Me: This is it boys, life or dirt! I want a passionfruit unit to find us a vantage point, and the strawberry unit to surround them!
Her: We had better bring the lettuce up to date!
Me: The cabbage are under withering fire, we need support from the raspberry division! The potatoes are mashed, so well need to send the zucchini in their place!
Her: The zucchini can't take that heavy fire, they'll be grated. Send spinach for some extra iron. The sweet potatoes are digging in at the ridge.
Me: Prepare the watermelon bomb, we need to finish this! The eggplant were squashed, deploy the broccoli brigade! The beans need to get out of there, or they'll be split!
Her: Cauliflowers are going in to retrieve the beans. How brave to risk their florets!
The corn commandos are deployed, but the artichokes are all out of heart, we need to boost morale.
Me: The leeks are down! They'll be flattened if we don't do something!
Are the spinach still operational?
Her: Too bad the pepper isn't on our side, they're well seasoned troops.
Spinach is a go!
Nothing has touched it...
Me: But wait! We still have the chillies to give them heavy fire!
Her: And the squashes and peas!
Me: The ginger is holding it's ground, but it's being cut down by the pineapple!
The basil should make things interesting, send them to aid the potatoes.
**Her:
... keep reading on reddit ➡My half sisters were telling my dad about how his ex-wife just had surgery to replace both knees.
Dad: "She should have gone to Africa"
Sister: "Africa, why?"
Dad: "Because that's where the negro"
Me and my dad were talking about replacing a boat motor.
Me: we could probably install a new motor
Dad: no, that's diving into more than I know.
Giggles and moans followed
Recently, my mother started smelling a coolant leak from our refridgerator. She called the repair man and he started work. Several hours later, he had his diagnosis, and it wasn't good. The whole machine was going to need to be replaced. Just as he was finishing up, my dad walked in. My dad asked the repair man what the damages were, and he explained that the coolant intake had sprung a leak. The whole unit was sealed, and air was now getting in and contaminating the entire system. The repair costs of the fridge would be about the same as getting a new one. My dad just sighed and looked at his hands.
Dad: "It sucks." He looked at the repair man with a goofy grin on his face. The repair man thought for a moment before answering.
Repair man: "Yeah... it does suck." Then both men cracked up laughing.
Playing Trivial Pursuit with my dad, best friend and a couple others when my dad asks my friend the question (paraphrasing here, was a long time ago), "What human organ is flexible, washable, and replaces itself continually?" The answer was skin but my friend got it wrong. Dad doesn't miss a beat and says, "It was probably the "washable" that threw you off."
It was towards the end of the semester and my parents had come to my university to see my choir concert as well as pick up some of the things from my dorm I didn't need any more. I went back to my dorm to get my bicycle and the replacement tire I was supposed to put on the bike but never got around to it. To make things easier, I put the tire around my neck and across my chest so I could wheel the bike to the campus center to meet up with my family and my boyfriend. As I'm walking up to them, my dad looks me up and down and says "Are you sure that's the proper atTIRE?"
My dad is getting a hip replacement in May. We were texting about it. This is our conversation: http://imgur.com/wucx6tO
It took me a second to get it. IT'S SO BAD
My mother posted this on facebook this morning (has the relevant story of the pun).
http://imgur.com/IhcyhfC
My parents have 4 dogs (I suppose to replace the 4 boys that have up and left for adulthood) but it looks like my dad knows aren't going to sell one of their own up the river.
If you want to be a dad, replace 'public' with 'pubic' in any verbal conversation.
My dad's tires were recalled for losing tread and exploding. Due to my recent business law class I informed him that if he didn't take them in for a replacement, and they blew up, he would be liable. He said he knew the term for this type of liability:
....A pop-tort
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