I had to write a 500 word essay on a language of India back in high school...
I titled it The Hindi 500.
What is the fastest growing city in the world?
Capital of Ireland
It's Dublin everyday
During the Polish-Swedish war, Sweden conquered the city of Bydgoszcz and renamed it as Bromberg.
Bromberg later became part of the Kingdom of Prussia, changed hands a few more times (including a short period of Napoleonic rule), before it finally became Polish again after World War I. The Polish government reinstated the old name of the city, deciding to let Bydgoszcz be Bydgoszcz.
My dog peed on my list of favorite businesses in the city
Now what’s left is Yellow Pages
When I first heard the proposal to rename Oklahoma City after Ohio, I was confused as to why anyone would want that. But after hearing someone explain the logic behind it, I thought to myself:
Went to the city pool and decided to pee in the deep end
Lifeguard blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in
If you have a pet horse, it’s not a good idea to raise it in a city apartment.
They need to grow up in a stable environment.
Did you hear that a car full of garlic, ginger, and lemongrass ran a red light in the middle of the city, injuring tens of people?
It was a fragrant disregard for public safety.
Despite being tiny, the Republic of Ireland has the capital city with the highest population growth in the world...
In search of spiritual enlightenment, I travelled to India and encountered a mystic sage that worshipped flat bread and flat bread only.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face"
The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week
Well it’s not a law it’s a mandate
Got my gf good with this one just now... I showed her a picture of the Mexico City skyline and she said, "that's intense!"
I said no, I'm pretty sure they're all buildings.
In honor of Mother’s Day, I’d just like to say,
“thank you for your cervix.”
I need someone to repair the stone wall in the front of my house, but I don’t have a lot of money.
Incidentally, Free Masons are not what they sound like.
A man walks in to a bar with a piece of asphalt
The man says to the bartender “1 for me, and 1 for the road”
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
I actually know a lot of jokes in sign language.
I guarantee you that nobody has ever heard them.
My friend keeps saying “Cheer up, man. It could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
The cast of “Friends” got stuck at sea in a boat, but thankfully nothing happened.
Breaking news! They're renaming the Henry brand of hoovers....
They'll be called J Edgar from now on
Back to school in India
What did the Indian kid say to his mother when he left for school...?
Mumbai
👋
A man took a bullet to the face in a shooting last week. If anyone has any information please call city police.
The only thing they have to go on is the mug shot.
When asked if he had family in Salt Lake City, Robert de Niro replied,
Hey friends! In support of the LGBTQ+ community I wanted to design a punny pride greeting card and I am so happy with how it turned out :D let me know what you think!
There is a famous drug store in my city, because they wear disney costume to cheer up people
the main guy wears a Donald duck costume. I really don't like to go to the store though because my mom always said that one shouldn't take drugs from a quack.
What is the capital city of islamophobes?
I just got a new job in a factory making plastic Draculas. There are only two of us on the production line
so I have to make every second count.
What kind of trees grown in the bathroom?
Toilet-trees
.....I'll show myself out
There are 10 types of people in the world:
Those who know binary and those who don't.
Lots of Corona cases in Lidl
In honor of Father's Day this weekend: When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it's fully groan.
Happy Father's Day! 🥳🍰🎈
Soup (I know it’s from Instagram but that’s why I kept the @ of the account in)
No one drives in the city anymore.
There was too much traffic.
News just in: In a freak accident today, a man was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.
To be fair, the people he was photographing did try to warn him.
You know, over in Jamaica a slice of pizza will cost you $2.50!
But over in Barbados, it's only $1.50! But carful getting in from the Maldives, it's only $1.75, but people will try to take it right off your plate!
Anyways, those are just the pie rates of the Caribbean!:)
An elderly couple is in a church. The wife says to the husband “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”
The husband says “Change the battery in your hearing aid.”
What do you call a jar of Miracle Whip that’s falling to the bottom of the ocean in early May?
My daughter wants to do more things on her own, so I told her to put a picture of herself in a locket
Then she would be independent.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
What do you call a spicy green dish made on Sesame Street in India?
My pissed off neighbour told me he wanted to throw me in a deep hole full of water.
But I know he means well.
In honor of former president Donald J. Trump
I'm a line cook and looking for a way to get in on some of the extra cash that servers earn.
Got any tips you can share?
I know a handful of jokes in sign language.
I guarantee no one has ever heard them!
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