I never could stand up to pier pressure.
I must be going see Nile.
So I just said A’U.
One day a loving husband and father of 2 sons comes home, one of the sons asks him to come upstairs, so he comes upstairs and his son says“dad, im gay” the father, surprised says “well, okay, i still support you son”.
The next day the father comes home to his other son asking him to come upstairs, he goes and the son also comes out as gay, the loving father says “both you and your brother, i wont have any kids, but, i still support you”........ ........ ........ ........ ........ ........
The father then walks down stairs to go and play with the family dog(male) and finds him in the backyard humping the neighbors(also male) dog. The father walks back into the house and exclaims
“Does anyone in this house like women”.
His wife taps him on the sholder
I’m afraid someone roofied me
This one seems to be lasting a maternity.
No Biggie...
Because you will see nothing if you sit behind it.
But I’m sure it was a-maize-zing
Nurse: "Your doctor should return in just a few moments with your test results."
looks at dad
"Oh, we also have a new room for religious practices if you wanted to do some prayers?"
Dad: "God, were my test results that bad?"
If I go out to eat with my dad and we have any leftovers, I know every time what's going to happen.
Waiter/Waitress: "You want a box for that?" (Sounds like "You wanna box for that?")
Dad: Raises fists into traditional boxing pose "I think I can take you."
Oh how I was such a fool for her.
I remember A,B,C,D, and F but I misty
...it had a certain Juno se qua
"But the wedding isn't until tomorrow, dad."
"I know son..."
Me: "What was that really bad joke you told me in the car?" Dad: "It couldn't have been me" Me: "It was definitely you, Dad" Dad: "Nope. I know it wasn't me because I don't tell bad jokes"
Goddammit Dad
Go for the juggler!
When I was a kid, I asked my dad how many sides a pyramid had.
"2 sides, an inside and a outside."
Dammit dad.
When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent.
Linoleum Blownapart.
Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis.
The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie. Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade. Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship. Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend.
Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job. In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a construction labourer. Artie's car was pretty shitty too. Artie never married, but he was happy in the knowledge that at least he didn't end up with Paul's shitty wife.
For Paul's 46th birthday Artie was pretty broke, so all he could get his friend was a single lottery ticket. Artie being the sentimental guy that he was picked the date of the start of their friendship, and their respective ages (46, 45). Paul loved the present, and thought that the two of them should go to the Legion that friday to split a round of beers and listen to them call out the numbers.
On Friday they are both sitting there at the Legion having a laugh over a couple of beers when the cute lottery girl comes on the t.v. to read out the numbers. Paul pulls out the ticket and spreads it out on the beer stained table in front of them. The lottery girl starts reading out the numbers, 45, 10, 05. Both of Paul and Artie's hearts start beating, thats 200$ already. 53, Holy crap thats like a 10, 000 ticket. They both start losing their shit. 46....... Paul feints. He just won the jackpot. 37million dollars.
Two minutes later Artie finally revives Paul. Paul and Artie celebrate the night away, buy round after round for the people at the Legion and get absolutely shittered. They close out the bar and as the ugly lights come on they stumble blitzed, singing, onto the street arm in arm with the winning lottery ticket in hand and start the long walk back to Paul's place.
Halfway home, Paul comes to two drunken
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Warm spring day, first day the zoo is open for the season, families and couples come, place is jam packed and bustling with people.
I return from using the restroom and my Dad says, "Boy, it's like a zoo in here!"
When your nose is runny
Some people think it's funny
But it'snot
The thread really blew up.
http://m.imgur.com/diy3i2m
Woman makes a comment. Me:"Yeah, I have that effect on women"
Works on everything - "I'm hot", "I'm cold", "I'm bored", "I'm all wet" (choose your audience carefully), "I don't feel well", "I'm broke"...
Me: So I was out with some friends... Dad: WAIT....you have friends?
(Insert any story about hanging out with friends over 20 years)
