I think you're cute ;)

I saw this post the other day, and was inspired to come up with my own take. Took me about two days to conceptualize everything, with a bit of inspiration from the original post, have fun!

––- Primary Monkeys –––

Dart Monkey:

Ultra Astronaut

Sends the monkey to space, leaving behind a catapult that blocks line of sight but can be removed for the same price.

Plasma Monkey Haters Club

Disables all energy based towers within radius, extends to whole map when ability is activated.

Cross-Eyed Master

Shoots mostly arrows that miss instead of crit.

Boomerang Monkey:

Naive Lord

His naivety causes him to believe that ‘bloons' are just fun party decorations that he should not harm.

Tempocharge

It must charge, and only attacks when the ability is activated.

Noob Domination

All MOABs hit gain speed and fortification. Take that, noobs!

Bomb Shooter:

Bloon-Crushed

Oh no! The cannon has been crushed by the bloons and can no longer attack!

Moab Accelerator

Moabs it shoots are accelerated forward. The ability turns the target moab into a fortified BAD.

Bomb Bliss

When a bloon leaks, all explosive projectiles are disabled.

Tack Shooter:

Infer No Ring

Loses the ring of fire attack, and the meteor becomes melee.

Subpar Maelstrom

Ability shoots 4 blades. That's it.

The Tax Zone

All towers in range force you to pay $5 per projectile, and sell for 50% less.

Ice Monkey:

Super Little

Range, pierce, damage, and slow all become super little. Also makes the ice monkey as little as in small monkeys mode.

Absolute Zero

Turns your money to 0 whenever it attacks. Sometimes turns your lives to 0 too.

Icicle Is Pale

Icicles are now white, and gives the bloons it shoots white bloon properties that make them immune to it.

Glue Gunner:

The Bloon Problematizer

Glue globs give bloons the properties of golden bloons, but they still cost lives and give no monkey cash.

Blue Storm

Ability gives you a blue screen of death. Even if you’re playing on a Mac. Or on mobile.

Souper Glue

Shoots globs of soup whose aroma causes monkeys to stop attacking and enjoy the fragrance.

––– Military Monkeys –––

Sniper Monkey:

Crinkle MOAB

Gives MOAB-class bloons a crinkle overlay, which gives the MOAB fortification and camo properties.

Elitist Sniper

Rapidly shoots towers that are tier 4 and below, disabling them for 5 seconds.

Elitist Defender

Will only defend again

[Chapter 1]

Chapter 2

Moar themselves made a sound that sounded distressed and heavily combed through the hair on their neck with their claws. “I completely forgot,” they said in a tone that made James guess a human would have their face in their hand by now.

James lifted an eyebrow at them and looked back to the door when the voice calling out sounded crisp and near, even to him. It was a high-pitched voice. High-pitched and quiet.

“Yes, I am here Quiis”, Moar shouted back towards the corridor. No one had yet appeared into view, but the shouts stopped for a moment. Then someone appeared in the door.

James had to admit, it looked a little ridiculous, seeing the tiny person standing in the ginormous doorway. He estimated that they didn’t even reach up to his thigh. For Moar, they barely were as tall as their ankle. Other than Moar, they appeared to hail form a world where evolution had taken a very different path from earth. The best way he could describe them to another human, and quite frankly himself, was as a mixture of an amphibian and some kind of land shark. Their appearance was honestly quite repulsive for his eyes.

They had six limbs total. Two long and two short legs were used for elevation and locomotion, their multiple joints sticking out at concerning angles. The last two limbs were even shorter and seemingly their equivalent of arms, even though James was not sure how well they could manipulate tools considering their short length and the apparent stiffness of their three symmetrically distributed “fingers”. Their unproportionally big head stood little way up from their arms with almost no neck. It was elongated and flat, with their three cold, dead fisheyes placed unblinking on top of its flat surface. Their maw was big and allowed no assumptions considering their diet. A round, thick tail at their backside served as counterbalance to their massive head.

And while all that may not have been appealing, what really did freak James out was their skin. Or, more specifically, what was on their skin. They were over and over covered in teeth. More specifically teeth-like scales, like sharks had them on earth, only looking way more like incisors than James was comfortable with. Their ivory body glistening softly in the white light of the laboratory, making him shiver. Of course he did not want to be rude, and he also knew that they were not at fault for hi

I just realised how much tax we pay through income and then again via GST on any and everything we consume.

The amount of indirect tax we pay is way too much compared to what we get in return.

How are you coping up with all time high fuel prices, exponentially increasing inflation, insane taxation, and bunch of Monkeys leading us to inevitable recession.

This dystopian society is just too depressing.

Did anyone else feel like their whole community was enablers to their N-parents’ bullshit? I remember in middle school (I think I was 11) I confided in a teacher that I think my parents don’t like me. This particular teacher was an ass to us kids, but he took the time to listen and actually give a damn... until he said “your parents love you very much”. That became the mantra throughout my community. Or “your parents are so nice... and there is something wrong with you”. By other teachers and students. BTW, this was a small community of less than 400. One of those places where everyone knows everyone.

My dad was on the Board of Ed and both parents were heavily involved in the local church.

Even when I was depressed in middle school/high school, no one tried to get me real help. Just “there’s something wrong with you.” I’ll never forget we went to visit a dying relative one summer. The family pet died when we were away. When one of my teachers found out they said “it’s your own fault your pet died.” I was 15.

IF something was reported to my parents, I would be psychologically and emotionally abused at home. When I was getting bullied, no one tried to help me. My parents gave me the worst advice to stand up to the bullies, which made everything worse at school.

I entered the job market with a Masters degree during the Great Recession. My family, as you can tell, is very connected. When the golden child graduated, my parents helped her get her dream job, a nice apartment, and paid off any student loan debt she has. When I was ready to work, my immediate and extended family suddenly knew no one. To add insult to injury, my dad’s enabling little sister has a prestigious position working with the state. She gave a job to one of my classmates, and she texted me $10 an hour positions from indeed.

I found a low-wage job that helped me save, and my parents encouraged me to enter a relationship with a physically, financially, and sexually abusive man. When I reached to them for help they basically said “it’s none of our business” and/or blamed me. This was echoed throughout my community when I reached out to anyone for help. The usual “you were looking for a man like this” or whatever enablers/flying monkeys say. At church, people worshipped my parents and gave me dirty looks. They called me an inexperienced child. I was 25.

After more education, work abuse, and therapy I finally live on my own in a beautiful condo, have a healthy relationship, my own prestigi

I am the youngest. I am the only daughter of immigrants. I am extremely smart. I am outspoken. And I am black. This is what I told myself, for 15+ years, to explain why I have always felt different from everyone else. I have repeated those things over and over in my head, like a mantra. And I’ve dealt with it. And it worked. But recently I had a conversation with a good friend that made me realize that how I’d described myself to her was not neurotypical, at all. And oddly enough, it made complete sense, enough to give me some sense of relief. Here’s why:

I was born in Boston, and originally lived in the Boston area for the first three-and-change years of my life. I lived with my mother, father, and three older brothers in the suburbs (courtesy of my mother’s nursing job at a Boston hospital and my father’s burgeoning law practice). Our neighborhood was somewhat white, but my brothers went to church school, and our church was Haitian. I was too young for school, and so most of my extrafamilial socialization came from involvement with other young Haitian children at church. And then we moved to New York, just before my fourth birthday.

I spent the first year of living in our NY suburb almost entirely in my house. We hadn’t found a new church to call home yet, because though there were several black migrant churches in the area, we hadn’t found one that just fit. So aside from greeting new people every weekend, I still had almost no interactions outside of my family. My parents had decided I didn’t really need preschool, partly because we were still dealing with the move and partly because I was reading completely independently by 4 and was so overtly chipper and talkative that they were confident I’d have no problem fitting in when the time came for school. In fact, by the time I was placed in kindergarten, my parents had already advocated that I be placed in 1st or 2nd grade instead, simply because of how advanced I was in early education. But it wasn’t allowed, so I was headed to kindergarten in our local public school. Interestingly enough, as part of placement for incoming students, our school required that all kids meet with the school psychologist — first with parents and then independently. The psychologist came to the same conclusions my parents did: that I was friendly, bright, and assertive, and should have no trouble integrating into the classroom dynamic. And I didn’t have trouble — mostly.

When I stepped into the halls of my elementary schoo

Sudden Lee

Go post NSFW jokes somewhere else. If I can't tell my kids this joke, then it is not a DAD JOKE.

If you feel it's appropriate to share NSFW jokes with your kids, that's on you. But a real, true dad joke should work for anyone's kid.

Mods... If you exist... Please, stop this madness. Rule #6 should simply not allow NSFW or (wtf) NSFL tags. Also, remember that MINORS browse this subreddit too? Why put that in rule #6, then allow NSFW???

Please consider changing rule #6. I love this sub, but the recent influx of NSFW tagged posts that get all the upvotes, just seem wrong when there are good solid DAD jokes being overlooked because of them.

Thank you,

A Dad.

So far nobody has given me a straight answer

..... Will get a reward.

Say you own something some ridiculously rich asshole just has to have, at any cost. You know it; and they know you know it. Are you going to be "reasonable" or are you gonna make them pay you? I don't know about all of you, but I'd make them pay me!

We're all individuals in this, with our own plans and situations. I'm not here to say we should agree on a price or anything. You do you, and I'll do me. But the more people who hold, the more those rich assholes will pay.

#They NEED what we own.

Sooner or later, they're going to have to pay up. They'll need what you own, and you'll get to choose the price. Not them, and not some shill who wants to make you believe you don't have the power here. You do.

These assholes have been bankrupting companies. They've been taking money from regular people like you and I by cheating the system. They were behind the 2008 recession and will surely do it again and again. That's barely even the tip of the iceberg.

You think I'm going to let them off easy when I have them by the balls? Fuck no. I'm gonna squeeze until they give me everything they own. And then I'm going to give a lot of it back to the community. This may well be the greatest transfer of wealth in history. I sure as hell am not selling at $500. Or $1,000. Hell, even $10,000 is letting them off easy.

But like I said, that's just me. Only you can decide what you'll do. Personally, I'm holding and squeezing until they can't be squoze anymore.

This is more than just the money. This is payback for fucking us over time and time again. This is payback for making it difficult just to support myself with a fulltime job, let alone a family.

And for those of you asking how they can afford it.. They can. It's not just the hedge funds on the line here. Even if everyone got $100k a share, there'd still be a lot of money left over. $100k+ is definitely not a meme. If enough people hold, it can definitely reach and even exceed it.

As for the government intervening, I was afraid of that too.. But then I realized that they'd probably be happy to get all that tax money to feed into the system. And we'll actually spend money, not just shore it up in a bank overseas. We may actually see an economic boon out of this.

Not to mention that if they do stop it, they risk everyone no longer trusting that the stock market is a fair game, but instead a rigged one. Many people across the world are into GME. A lot of eyes are on this.

Only other thing we have to worry about is wha

ok lemme start this by saying i made this list in quarentine so im not a total loser lol. also, insults dont count.

1. Held stan at gunpoint
2. kicked a foot into pips food
3. wore a hitler costume to school
4. took starvin marvins food
5. made a song abt kyles mom being a bitch
6. broke into kyles house
7. dressed up as a native American
8. tried to be black/mock black culture
9. abused power of being a cop
10. did blackface
11. snuck out of a field trip
12. lied to starving people to win competition
13. became a hooker
14. made Kyle fall down into a cave
15. beat up an endangered monkey
16. beat up a sloth
17. beat up a snake
18. froze Kenny’s head & took his eyes
19. wrote a song about hating his friends
20. made tweek & craig fight each other
21. beat up Kyle and Stan
22. pushed/flew craig across the room
23. sued Stan over basically nothing
24. took half of Stans things
25. sued the school
26. started a chain of every kid suing school
27. made a bunch of cats attack Skylar
28. turned a play civil war into a real one
29. took advantage of drunk people
30. brought back the confederacy
31. caused an entire city to burn down
32. excluded Stan because he didn’t get his “period”
33. caused Stan to take hormones
34. made the entire world crap their pants
35. tried to rip out Kenny’s tooth
36. broke into butters house
37. took over a tooth stealing cartel
38. let Kenny die
39. knocked out token with a rock
40. ran away from being sent to juvie
41. slapped Kenny in the face
42. ran from the cops all the way to mexico
43. brought contraband into prison
44. manipulated a kid to help him break out of prison
45. broke out of prison
46. broke the girls sled in half
47. knocked out pip with a rock
48. shoved disney into his ass
49. snuck all of disney into prison
50. gave mr garrison Ritalin
51. killed Kenny
52. joined NAMBLA
53. invited all his friends to NAMBLA
54. made butters have sex w old guys
55. punched his pet pig in the face
56. refused to give Kyle his kidney (even though he was dying)
57. made kids find dirt on Stan & Kyle
58. started a boy band solely for money
59. threw a fish into bus drivers hair
60. farted on a 1st grader for 28 minutes
61. set mr garrisons cat on fire
62. took the ham in the priest’s sandwich, put it between his ass cheeks & watched the priest eat it
63. pissed in a holy water fountain
64. shit on the floor & told the police it was the priests dog so he had to pay like $100
65. smacked like 50 kids o

Well, toucan play at that game.

Martin Freeman, and Andy Serkis.

They also play roles in Lord of the Rings.

I guess that makes them the Tolkien white guys.

The grand finale, well ok the somewhat longer than usual finale.

Dereck had never been so humiliated in his life!

Well, there was that one time in college when I accidentally joined as a sorority pledge...

Thought Dereck and with great effort he hid that memory away and looked at the current situation.

He had gained a new nickname during the last couple of months: the Canary.

People gave him his own space, no one said anything in his presence but when anyone saw him leave a spot for no discernible reason they would follow or leave the area as well.

It would invariable lead to a sudden explosion, bombing raid, building accident or an otherwise dangerous situation avoided.

This eventually reached the ears of Duran, leader of the 42nd Marine recon unit.

Dereck had been asked if he would be willing to join the marines on an infiltration mission, Dereck was overjoyed, he already imagine himself in marine power armor, plasma sword in hand carving enemies as he single-handily ended the war!

Now he was duck-tapped to the front of captain's Duran armor, like an oversized toddler.

Duran: “Comfy?”

Dereck: “Bite me... Sir”

Duran: “I'll take that as a yes! Alright Canary, time to go into the mine shaft”

****************************

Duran was impressed, every few kilometres the grease monkey would give instructions, that if followed to the letter would result in traps dodged, injuries avoided and ambushes defeated.

He was curious as to what he kept eating though... And where he kept them for that matter.

Duran: “Hey Canary, what you eating?”

Dereck: “... Chocolate candy bar”

Duran: “Candy!? You're eating contraband in front of a marine?”

Dereck: “Yup”

Duran was in admiration, most people refused to so much as sneeze in front of him and his men and here a grease monkey was eating contraband like it was the most natural thing in the world.

Duran:“How do you get them?”

Dereck: “I have a provider”

Duran: “Who delivers them mid-mission, completely unseen by 12 marines!?”

Dereck: “A VERY good provider”

Duran: “... Can I have one?”

Dereck: “Nope”

Duran: “Why not?”

Dereck turned to look him in the eye, well he tried to anyway, he ended up looking somewhere around his stomach area.

Dereck: “Because fuck you, that's why”

Before Duran could say anything or pick his jaw off the floor Dereck gave new commands.

Dereck: “Stop where you are and everyone throw your grenades at the point man in 7... 6... 5...”

No one

She said apple-lutely

TL;DR

What is the DTCC really?

In short, it's a clearing house. Ok but what's a clearinghouse? Goddamit. Sit down and read this.

A clearinghouse is a designated intermediary between a buyer and seller in a financial market. The clearinghouse validates and finalizes the transaction, ensuring that both the buyer and the seller honor their contractual obligations.

Every financial market has a designated clearinghouse or an internal clearing division to handle this function. The responsibilities of a clearinghouse include "clearing" or finalizing trades, settling trading accounts, collecting margin payments, regulating delivery of the assets to their new owners, and reporting trading data.

Clearinghouses act as third parties for futures and options contracts, as buyers to every clearing member seller, and as sellers to every clearing member buyer.

The clearinghouse enters the picture after a buyer and a seller execute a trade. Its role is to accomplish the steps that finalize, and therefore validate, the transaction. In acting as a middleman, the clearinghouse provides the security and efficiency that is integral to stability in a financial market.

1. The clearing house guarantees that the transactions will occur smoothly and that both parties will receive what is due to them. This is done by checking the financial capabilities of both parties to enter into a legal transaction, regardless of whether they are an individual or an organization.
2. The clearing firm makes sure that the parties involved respect the system and follow the proper procedures for a successful transaction. The facilitation of smooth transactions leads to a more liquid market.
3. It is the clearing house firm that provides a level playing field for both parties, where they can agree on the terms of their negotiation. This includes having the responsibility for setting the price, quality, quantity, and maturity of the contract.
4. The clearing house makes sure that the right goods are delivered to the buyer, in terms of both quantity and quality, so that at the end of the transaction there are no complaints nor arbitration necessary.

In order to act efficiently, a clearinghouse takes the

Keep in mind, my son is 4 years old, so everything is an original to him.

I had to work late into the evening yesterday, and he was just going to bed when I got home. I had left home for the office nearly 14 hours prior, had a long day, lots of meetings, traffic, etc.

When I walked through the door, I was exhausted, run down, and starving. My wife hugged me and asked how my day was, and I replied, "Done. It was a good day, but has got me exhausted. I just want to grab a bite and go to bed. I'm hungry."

From my son's bedroom, I hear him shout, "Hi Hungry! Nice to meet you!"

Not only did it make me laugh, but I completely forgot about how hungry and tired I was. I went to his bedroom, and we laughed together about it. It was exactly what I needed.

Edit: Thanks for all the awards, kind strangers! I'll let my son know y'all enjoyed his joke too!

I heard parents named their children lance a lot.

First post please don't kill me

Edit: i went to sleep and now my inbox is dead, thank you kind strangers for the awards!

Japan.

To get to the... Bottom...

(as told by my 5yo son, I'm so proud)

I don't see why the Democrats are in such a rush to raise taxes on the rich if the debt and deficit are essentially meaningless. I mean, as long as our debt is cheap, why fuck up a recovery with any talk of raising taxes? Why even bother cutting spending either?

"No, the regular kind!" I laughed.

Phil

Windows

'Eye-do'

This is my first post pls don't kill me lol.

The people in the comment section is why I love this subreddit!!

Cred once again my sis wants credit lol

Because they work on many levels