I rear-ended a car once
The driver was a surprisingly short man who came stumbling out and walked up to me and said "I am not happy"
To which I responded "well then which one are you?"
I made a killing this year investing in rear-view mirrors
And haven't looked back since!
Student: Professor, can I do something to raise my grade?
Professor: Um, you know it’s May, right?
Student: Of course, so sorry! “May I do something to raise my grade?”
If you have a pet horse, it’s not a good idea to raise it in a city apartment.
They need to grow up in a stable environment.
why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?
So they can see the battlefield
I was raised as an only child...
Which REALLY pissed my sister off!
I got rear-ended by a rental car today
It's so hard for Necromancers to raise a family these days.
Unless of course they're buried in the same cemetery.
I guess that's how they stay fit though.
All those dead lifts.
I remember when I bought my first rear view mirror.
What do mice have on their rear ends?
Raised a fortune at my bronchitis support charity event last night....
I miss my three ducks. I want to raise some more. But, come to think of it, they were so rude. They all took off one day, left a real mess, and never got back to me.
I walked outside to discover my car was raised off the ground.
What do you call a book club stuck on the same book for years?
You know that it's always the boys raised by single moms that end up with Dad Bods.
They always wanted a father figure.
A cemetery nearby just raised its burial cost...
they blamed it on the cost of living.
Why did the athlete raise the bar in their sport?
They were tired of hitting their head
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Because Curiosity killed them.
Everyone expected him to go postal from the way he was raised, on a high fiber diet...
He had a roughage childhood.
Gatorade should run some kind of charity promotion where they raise funds to help preserve endangered species of alligator.
My wife raises animals and also sells medicines
She's a farmercist
(based on a true story)
I got tired of flipping the little switch on my rear view mirror to dim the headlights.
So I removed the whole mirror.
I haven’t looked back since.
Not a joke for written context, but one you can use on your family.
You just say to your family member - "Did you hear someone in the family is part owl?"
They'll reply with "who?" And you look at them with a raised eyebrow.
Tell this joke over dinner if youd like to be the life of the party. You're welcome.
How do one-armed mothers raise their kids?
It has been shown that cows raised in Mexico are statistically happier on average than cows raised in other countries
They've been reported as feeling "mooey bien"
I kept begging my manager for some flour and it annoyed the hell out of him
Eventually, I was given the sack
I inherited my dad's collection of shallow flat receptacles with a raised edge, used for carrying, holding, or displaying articles.
I saw this wig on Craigslist for $1
That's a small price toupee.
The local bartender moved his pub to the summit of a mountain and the quality of his drinks improved
He really raised the bar on that one
I was working my 9-5 at the paint supply warehouse, I just asked my boss for a raise
He handed me a ladder and asked if that was good enough
I remember a time when plastic surgery was a taboo subject, but nowadays when you mention botox..
..no one even raises an eyebrow.
Just watched a movie where the main protagonist decapitates a guy with a car’s rear fin.
Oh sorry, “SPOILERS A HEAD”
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
IF RUSSIA INVADED TURKEY FROM THE REAR...WOULD GREECE HELP
My reclining chair needs maintenance
It needs a rear end in it
We had a car that was Front Wheel Drive and a truck that was Rear Wheel Drive, but we traded them both for on SUV
And now it's All We'll Drive!
My 6 year old daughter was listening to music with me and came up with this one: What is a bananas favorite Tom Petty song?
You Dont Know How It Peels
What do you call a farmer that raises hens?
As I got out on the 11th floor, the lift operator said, "Have a good day son."
"Don't call me son, you're not my dad.!!" I said.
As the lift door closed, he looked me in the eye and said, "I brought you up, didn't I ?"
With the global warming raising the sea level, it is only a question of time for England to become Engsea.
I'd like to ask all of those who believe in psychokinesis...
to please raise my hands.
I was raised as an only child.
It really annoyed my sister.
MY PARENTS RAISED ME AS AN ONLY CHILD
THIS REALLY ANNOYED MY YOUNGER SISTER.
I was raised as an only child....
It really annoyed my sister.
I removed the rear view mirror from my car last week.
Haven't looked back since.
I got tired of flipping the little switch on my rear view mirror to dim the headlights.
So I removed the whole mirror.
I haven’t looked back since.
I was raised as an only child.
It really annoyed my sister.
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