My time in the Boy Scouts really made me a supporter of gay marriage
It’s where I learned you can tie the knot in different ways
COVID has me feeling really disturbed.
I am not Down with the Sickness
I found a cool rock in my father-in-law's yard. FIL- Oh that's a native American fertility stone. Me- Really! How can you tell? FIL- ....
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set, so I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”
“Thanks, man, ” he replied, “I’ve been practising it a lot.”
You know what really blows me away?
One time my friends really wanted me to join them for a fishing excursion. I didn't want to at first but eventually joined them...
I am afraid that I succumbed to pier pressure.
There was a fly buzzing around that was really annoying me
I should have called the cops so they could send in the swat team!
I was really excited when my wife bought me a book for my birthday called “69 Mating Positions”.
Turns out it’s about Chess strategies.
My daughter told me she was really cold today
I told her to stand in the corner because it's 90 degrees
I told my daughter, “Mom keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character and it’s getting really annoying!” She asked, “Are you mad at her?”
“Geez! Don’t you start too!” I screamed.
I asked the chef for butter for my naan and he gave me regular old butter. I went back and said, "hey, I may not look Indian, but I really wanted ghee." He told me rather rudely, "Well, next time you should clarify that."
I told him, "well, this time, you should."
Had a really tough day today. I figured you would appreciate that my wife suggested I peruse r/dad jokes while she drew me a relaxing bath.
I asked her if it was going to be full color or just a sketch.
There's not just leap years. A leap second is a one-second adjustment that is occasionally applied to Coordinated Universal Time (UTC)! Without it, GPS wouldn't work! Want me to really blow your mind?
Getting glasses has really taught me a lot
I’m seeing things so clearly now.
school has really reminded me of english classes and writing a bunch of these
My wife told me that my quarantine beard is really growing on her.
What do you know, it's growing on me too.
My son walked into the living room only to find me looking around all misty eyed. Reluctantly, he asked, "What's up pop?" I blubbered, "My boy, I really love our furniture..."
"Me and my recliner go way back."
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
It really annoys me when people say that age is just a number
My circumcision was really hard on me...
I couldn't walk for a year afterward.
As a spanish speaking dude I really appreciate when people approach me and say "mucho".
Siri kept calling me Shirley this morning. I was starting to get really pissed off, and then I realized why...
I left my phone in Airplane mode
My wife volunteers as a crossing guard, but gets really mad at me when I tell everyone about it.
I say, “She’s into human trafficking.”
My coffee maker said some really horrible things about me while it was brewing my coffee.
That’s the last time I have a dark roast.
The other day a friend of mine told me a really bad gravity joke.
I still fell for it though
I've been really struggling lately and nothing seems to be going right so my friend directed me to www.conjunctivitis.com.
It was a site for sore eyes
My wife got really mad at me when I told her that someone from the Jamaican Spice place was looking for her.
I said, “The jerk store called for you.”
Someone said something really mean to me...
...so, out of revenge, I stole a barrier from their yard.
I guess you can say that I took a fence.
I ran into two hippies today, and they both seem really mad at me.
Apparently the correct term is “conjoined twins”.
This dude got really pissed at me for drawing a gun on him today
He said he's seen better and asked me to draw it again.
My credit card company must be really proud of me
They keep telling me I have an outstanding balance
This story was really sKAREN me
People used to describe my father as a real “Man’s Man” the type to get all the men talking at the party. However he never really spoke to me,
I guess to me he was more of a “Mime’s Man”.
When my uncle died, he left me an apartment building he owned, but I was really nervous about taking it.
When my wife and I got married, we were really poor but she stood by me during those times.
She had to. We only had one chair.
Yenn: Do you really care about me Geralt?
Geralt: I Kaer Morhen you'll ever know.
My friend is really mad at me because I have no sense of direction
So I grabbed my backpack and right
I don't really like the rodeo. It's too fast-paced for me.
People with afro's really turn me on
I suppose they're a bit of an afrodiziak for me
My wife calls me loudly: “I think I did something to my leg, my calf really hurts”
Me: Well don’t have a cow about it
Me and my brother really tries to quit smoking weed,
but it's hard, being cojoint twins.
My wife’s boob job really made me laugh
"Dad, I don't really get it.. Can you tell me what is a Solar Eclipse?"
The trident gave me some really good advice the other day
Do you know what really makes me laugh? Facial muscles.
My Son asked me if I had any regrets over the really expensive neck brace I bought...
Can honestly say I've never looked back
My friend got REALLY mad at me for punning, advice needed!
My best friend lives on the East Coast. I’m on the West. He often streams his games over Skype so I can hang out and watch. He was playing the Witcher 3, and fighting the water monster men. I said “They just want to know the shape of you,” and he coincidentally died at that moment.
He got really, really mad. I always knew my puns annoyed him a little, but when I was sad, he’d tell dumb puns he’d google to cheer me up. But he just went into a tangent on how much puns annoy him and how he doesn’t get that I keep doing them over and over again every day whenever I talk with him. Trying to stop or cut back on puns would be pretty difficult and make me sad; I love witty wordplay and commentary, and bottling it up feels awful. But apparently it really, really annoys him.
What should I do?
My Dad really wanted me to make paper planes with him
I thought really tight shirt would look good on me
But I just couldn't pull them off
I used to think my dad was really old as a kid, so he’d tell me, “When I was your age,
the Dead Sea was still alive!”
I was really scared about having my blood test taken until my brother told me to
My schizophrenia medicine is really messing with me...
and me and me and me and me.
It’s really bugging me!!!
My best friend really wants me to get a tattoo...
But I don’t know. Why can’t I just start with one?
My daughter asked me for a recommendation for a good book. I told her I had the perfect book in my collection for her to read. It has drama, romance, betrayal, excitement, action, love, loss, heroes, villians, mystery and puzzles. Pretty much everything really. Excitedly she asked me for it.
I handed her the dictionary.
My wife got really mad at me earlier when I tried to force feed our young son...
"Just use a spoon!" she said. "You're not a Jedi!"
Astrology really Pisces me off.
It really helped me through a dark time in my life
My half sister just got a really bad infection just like me...
You know what really bugs me?
Parkinson’s Disease really gives me the jitters...
My friends sometime ask me why I yell at them all the time over instant message about this amazing new business opportunity I’m involved in that I’m really excited about! They also ask me if maybe if shift key on my keyboard is broken.
But I reply “NO I AM A CAPITALIST”
This sub is really disappointing me lately.
I'm going to try the meatballs next time.
Broken bridges really annoy me.
I just can’t get over them.
My friend asked me why I read so much Tolkien. I said it wasn't really a choice, rather...
I meant to post this on Halloween but I didn’t. So my friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified”
Women really know how to hold grudges over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.
It's been a week now and she's still not talking to me.
I really wanted to watch Fast and the Furious, but the spoilers ruined it for me.
Is it just me or does oddly shaped fruit really get on your nerves?
Eh, maybe I'm just being pear-annoyed.
Sometimes I get tyred of normal jokes and make puns instead. They are quick, easy, and don't put you under pressure. Sometimes, they can be very flat. They can be as light as air, or as heavy as steel. All in all, puns really punp me up!
Getting run over really takes the energy out of me.
I really didn't like "despicable me" movies in the begining
My ex-best friend used to be really nice to me, but ever since they found out I have flat feet, they've been mean to me and bullying me over it.
They're my arch-nemesis now.
My step mother who is suffering from insomnia got really mad at me the other day when I jokingly said to her that you're like my
I once met a flat earthier who was really excited to tell me everything about the flat earth (not knowing that I believed in a round earth)
I told him, “woah, slow down buddy. Curve your enthusiasm”
Knowing how to pick locks has really opened a lot of doors for me.
I met a strange man the other day really trying to sell me the health benefits of inhaling helium.
He spoke very highly off it.
Someone has been leaving this stuff in my carport and then the neighbours complain about the mess. They’re really giving me the gears.
Ok guys, let me be frank. It doesn’t really matter.
was sleeping at my girlfriends place last night, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep in the same bed... It made me proper angry because he’s actually really handsome.
reddit.com/r/teenagers/co…
Me: "Be good with oral hygiene. Buying new teeth is really expensive."
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, "NOT THE KRYPTONITE!" and I said, "That's Superman..."
"Thanks, man," he replied, "I've been practising a lot."
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”
“Thanks, man, ” he replied, “I’ve been practicing it a lot.”
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
My bank is really proud of me
According to them, I have an outstanding balance
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman.”
He said, “Thanks dad, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set, so I threw the bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman!”
He replied, “Thanks dad! I’ve been practicing a lot!"
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
My best friend really wants me to get a tattoo...
But I don’t know, why can’t I just start with one?
Do you know what really makes me laugh? Facial muscles.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw my bedsheets over it.
I think I covered my tracks.
My bank must really like me...
They keep telling me my account is outstanding!
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