Q School Puns

Bison

One of the funniest school puns; science puns

Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium? It went OK. If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up, they’d be alloys.

The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The chemist sees the glass completely full, half with liquid and half with air.

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, “No, I’m traveling light.”

Did you just mutate for a stop codon? Because you’re talking nonsense!

How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.

What did Gregor Mendel say when he founded genetics? Woopea!

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.

I wish I was adenine, then, I could get paired with U.

Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na

Two chemists go into a bar. The first one says “I think I’ll have an H2O.” The second one says “I think I’ll have an H2O too” — and he died.

A couple of biologists had twins. They named one Jessica and the other Control.

Did you hear the one about the recycling triplets? Their names are Polly, Ethel, and Ian.

Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!

What element is a girl’s future best friend? Carbon.

I had to make these bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.

Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.

What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.

What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? I like your “style.”

I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.

Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers.

Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.

Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.

What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!

A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. Bartender replies “For you, no charge”.

Two atoms are walking along. One of them says: “Oh, no, I think I lost an electron.” “Are you sure?”

“Ye

However “stop being picked on at school” is arguably a worse choice.

While I was out with the family getting ice cream, the crowded shop had one of those awkward moments where everyone randomly goes quiet all at the same time - just as the confectioner handed me my ice cream.

I proceeded to ask “Where does someone learn to make ice cream this good?”

Confectioner - “I’m not sure… the morning crew makes the batches”

“Did they learn at sundae school???”

I could not have been prouder with the chorus of groans and chuckles that rang throughout the shop.

He’s 18 and he got a job sandblasting for the summer to save for school. The manager was talking to him during safety orientation and said “ so sandblasting? That should be fun”. He responded “yeah it should be a blast” He said he got a groan and an eye roll then told me off for being contagious.

"Mom? Dad?" he asks. "Some of the kids at school said I look different from you. Are you my real parents?"

His parents smile and say, "You are a Dopp, Ted."

Ted cries.

Finally my high school karate courses have paid off.

It's okay, they woke up!

But honestly, these schools are getting real serious about nap times.

A kid was recently detained for resisting a rest!

He decided he would fake being an ant, instead of a kid—and ants don't have to go to school!

It might have worked, if he hadn't run afoul of that true-ant officer . . .

He brought up someone who ordered a headstone with a picture of a wrecker etched into it. We wondered who it was, and he brought up the buyer's name (hereafter Bob). "Bob still lives out on the north side of the city where we went to school."

"Did he die?" my mother asked.

"No," he answered.

I chimed in. "Mom, he just said Bob lives there."

I slammed my hand on the desk. "My son...Nick...came home from school with ash on his clothes. He seemed mildly stimulated, too."

"Nicotine?" he asked me.

I said, "Not even that, he's twelve."

The school buzz. Compliments of my 8yr old. Not sure if it’s been posted before but this was her first and I just loved it.

So Timmy is going to go to high school and thinks about the fact that you have to have at least 2 years of a foreign language so he asks his friends Billy and Joe what language they’re going to pick. Billy says his family’s part French so he’s going to learn French. Joe says he likes curry so he’s gonna learn Korean.

“Why so cheap?” she asked the pet store owner. The owner said, “Well, this bird used to live in a brothel, and occasionally it says some pretty vulgar stuff.” The woman thought about this, but decided that for $50, she just had to have the bird.

She took the bird home, hung the cage up in the living room, and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “Meh… That's really not so bad” and laughed it off.

When her two teenage daughters got home from school, the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls!!!” The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then laughed about the situation – considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

A few moments later, the woman’s husband got home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “New house, new madam, new girls, welcome back Keith!!!”

Yes.

Which school did you go to?

Oral.

This morning I was sitting there doing some grad school homework. My son woke up, came downstairs, and tells me a joke that someone told him in his dreams…

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

His best friend, Roy, was known around town for having an adventurous streak that a small town just couldn't satisfy. Roy yearned to travel the world, to rub shoulders with the well-to-do, and to squeeze every drop of excitement he could out of life. While most young folk in town, my grandpa included, were resigned to their lot, Roy was driven by his dream. He worked incredibly hard, taking every hired-hand and handy-man job he could find. He would walk five miles each way to clean a gutter if there was a nickel to be made. His hometown was always spotless, because Roy would pick up every glass bottle he saw to get the deposit back, and every can he found would get turned in for recycling.

The years stretched on. Grandpa settled down with his high school sweetheart in a one-room cottage and had my dad, and not much else. Roy kept hurrying from one job to the next, never spending a dime on a date. Everyone would just roll their eyes and quietly gossip about how poor Roy's obsession was robbing him of a real life.

One day, Roy showed up at Grandpa's house, all decked out in a brand new khaki safari kit, complete with helmet, binoculars, and elephant gun, and announced that he had finally saved up enough for passage to Africa to go big game hunting. He was especially proud of the fine leather boots he was sporting. "Indestructable" he called them, totally impenetrable to water, wind, and snow. No trench-foot for him while he tracked rhinos on the savannah!

Grandpa congratulated Roy on his achievement and wished him bon voyage. Over the next three months, the town felt Roy's absence. Litter lay where it fell, gutters overflowed in heavy rain, small-time farmers rose that bit earlier and bedded that bit later to cover the work Roy used to help with. Of course, the gossipers just turned their chat from how Roy needed a dose of reality to how thoughtless it was of him to just up and leave. Most folks were convinced Roy was gone for good. After all, how could he come back from such a high-falutin' adventure to his tiny, no-account hometown?

But return Roy did, and everyone crowded around at the bar to hear his account of his safari. To their surprise, Roy told them that, for all the time he had been away, he only bagged one trophy that was currently on a slow boat back. It turned out, once Roy got a close-up look at the elephants, rhinos, giraffes, gazelles, and all the fine animals of the African savannah, he lost all heart for hunting. He just couldn't imagi

Brother: It's really tough to get into School Y these days.

Dad: Actually it's easy. Just go through the main gate.

I made finger-guns at Brother and think he died inside a little.

In high school once our history teacher asked who bombed pearl harbor, a Japanese kid raised his hand and the teacher said; correct!

I was picking my son up from school and we were waiting in line to get out of the parking lot. There were three kids having sword fights with large branches that had fallen off trees. They saw me watching them and stopped for a minute, probably thinking they were in trouble. I rolled down the window and asked, “Are you just going to stick around here?” They looked very confused but my son laughed.

My son turned 18 and moved out. We turned his room into a home school classroom for my daughters. My wife moved her printer in there and needed to print something a little while later. Wife- "my phone can't find the printer" Me- "did you tell it that it moved"

My 7yo just heard her aunt say that if school was cancelled again this month, that the kids would drive their mom nuts. My daughter pulled out a sandwich bag, filled it with almonds and put it in her toy car and rolled it at mom and said "I can drive her nuts right now". Proud dad moment.

A while back, one of my FB friends, someone I went to school with, posted about the Amphibian Foundation and how she learned that they actually have people whose job it is to tattoo numbers on the newts they breed (for population tracking)

So of course my smart ass replies "I guess you learn something newt every day"

The nun asks why he’s staring, so the cab driver says, “Ever since I went to Catholic school, I’ve fantasized about kissing a nun.” The nun says, “I’ll kiss you, if you’re single and catholic.” The cab driver says, “I’m both.” The nun says, “Pull into an alley.” The nun proceeds to kiss the cab driver in a way that’d make a hooker blush. Back in the cab, the driver begins crying, “I lied… I’m married, and I’m Jewish.” The nun says, “That’s okay, you’re forgiven. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”

Because she always came to school with a bear midriff.

Well they couldn't call it At School Suspension because that would spell a bad word.

I don’t know, it depends on how many stories it has.

One of my faves that I came up with my senior year of high school in 2013. First joke on this sub, hopefully many more to come.

1. fish 1 turns to a nearby restaurant and asks: shell we eat here?
   fish 3 says: is it even good tho?
   fish 1 then says: yeah its good, ive haddock with fish 2 before its a very good plaice.
   fish 2 says: yeah that plaice is good, when i first took a bite of the food, i let out a huge, oh my cod!
   fish 3 says: i trout that tho it seems kinda fishy, arowana eat at this restaurant. halibut that one? i had it with a large grouper before. ive even met the gill of my breams before!
   fish 1 says: oh sure! i dont mind.
   fish 3 says: there is a caviar tho, its very expensive and of-fish-al.
   fish 2 says: oh for heavens hake! you know we dont have the money for that.
   fish 3 says: nah im ballin, i could perch-ace the whole store!
   fish 2 says: in my breams you cod, you take me for a school?! you are bass-lighting me.
   fish 3 says: no, im not bass-lighting you. ive been surfing on this nft hype recently and have made river-bank! keep it as a sea-cret tho.
   fish 2 says: oh, thats surf-prising. how much money have you made?
   fish 3 says: mmm, about a gillion so far. its difficult to start tho, i had to shell all my craw-perty to a shellfish clam at the prawn-shop! but, i took my oppor-tuna-ty and made profit.
   fish 1 says: ughh are you done coral-ling? im starving here!
   fish 2 says: actually, do yall sea the curved metal thing up there? The food on it look delicious, let's crab it.
2. they all agreed unanimously, but little did they know, a wrasse-ful fisherman was up there,
   waiting for his next meal.
3. fin

Hey guys! I need your help. For a school project, I'm currently making a wild west saloon. Right now, I'm working on the bar and the beverage. What I would really appreciate is if you have ANY puns, jokes and references, when it comes to alcohol. I'm trying to put as many references on the bottles as I possibly can. If you have, please send me the joke/picture. Thanks in advance 💙🍻

In her ice chest!

Thought of this today, can’t wait to spring it on my 7yo when I see her after school

Finally, my high school karate lessons paid off

Ran through a drive up this morning before school.

As we are pulling away from the window, she looks in the bag.

Dad you should see this! It's beautiful, the hashbrowns are stacked side by side, the sandwiches are perfectly wrapped, and the napkins are placed so they won't get oily...I am not sure who did this, but they should be awarded the Nobel Grease Prize.

She looked at me with a sly smile and I told her...I saw what you did there. We both laughed.

A great dad joke from a 10 yr old.

On the ride home from school my son told me he had a bad day. He had diarrhea 3 times at school.

I said "sounds like you had a poopy day"

He laughed and said "good Dad joke Dad".

I'm raising a good one.

But then we'd have to go to school every day.

My almost 10 year old LOVES dad jokes but I’m staring to come up short on new ones. I call them “lunch box jokes” bc I sneak them into his lunchbox before school.

Please spam me with your best dad jokes he will understand 😂

TIA Love mom.

I was too cool for school.

He won all races by a very big margin but was stripped of all his medals ...

'coz he was a Cheetah! He should not have been in the human olympics anyway!!

- My sons and I came up with this on the way to school this morning. Its probably corny and old but we enjoyed crafting it :D

I said "Sorry kiddo, you're gonna have to wait until you're in high school…"

"because it's got sax and violins."

Lovely man… terribly bad foreign language teacher—no idea why the school hired him.

A high school

She's got the day off from school, and we've been wrangling a little bit over how much of the day she'll spend on her tablet and TV vs. reading and stuff.

She puts her face up against the screen door and cracks a self-satisfied grin and says, "Dad, Dad... is this considered 'Screen-time'?"

Sundae school.

Sundae school.

Sundae school

Did you folks hear about the kidnapping at school today, don’t worry, the kid woke up

Sundae school.

Sundae school.