Purr tenders Puns

Our family still has at least two of the "Sock-Ems" from this series in storage. Did anyone else have one of these or the big plushies?

As is yearly tradition, over the month of December I posted two songs per day in the Daily Discussion threads (one single and one album track (mostly)) that I felt went unnoticed by most people but would potentially be enjoyed, and this is a compilation of those write-ups.

There’s a definite pop focus but I picked these tracks with an ear for diversity of sound/artistry so there’s quite a few different things going on here and some picks that might make you roll your eyes, but I think there’s something for everyone! FFO means “For Fans Of,” it’s a reference point for who I think would like each song.

Here is a link to a playlist I made of (most) of the songs.

#Singles:

> Joyce Wrice (ft. Freddie Gibbs) - On One (from Overgrown)

> FFO: Tinashe

It seems like everyone is nostalgic for the ‘00s these days but if you were specifically missing those block party busting r&b jams, Joyce Wrice has you covered. She oozes the essence of this era of r&b starlets thanks to her flirty-yet-fiery delivery and the Aaliyah sample (“Rock The Boat”) takes this connection even further, but the charismatic rap verse from Freddie Gibbs has a distinctly more modern feeling that still flows well. One of many stellar tracks on her debut album but it stands out thanks to the pop friendly hooks and crazy replay value.

• Riri - Wheel Of Fortune

> FFO: Red Velvet

In tarot the “Wheel Of Fortune” card is supposed to invoke good luck and prosperity and the song really captures that vibe with the bright melody and hopeful lyrics, both of which Riri carries perfectly. The quirky production makes everything even more exciting, it’s got a new jack swing beat but then there’s all sorts of horns and synths and samples layered on top so it’s just brimming with energy while still being perfectly in control.

> LØLØ - Hurt Less (from overkill)

> FFO: Avril Lavigne

Emo pop-rock meets self-deprecating Tik Tok music, and that’s a compliment! Canadian singer LØLØ started with this sound last year (so she was actually a bit ahead of the curve on this trend) but she took until this year with the overkill EP to really nail it. This song is indulgently relatable and the chorus just creeps up on you, it’s so catchy and

I'm not pretending to be some kind of map-master but the lack of maps for lancer is hitting me in the tender bits, so I've decided to make my own, let me know if you have an idea you want done and I'll see if its something I can do/ use and I'll try to make it in my spare time.

This map is a 25x25 in Roll20. Drawn in Dungeondraft with the following asset packs loaded, not sure if I used all of them or not: AP01_red_desert_planet by Captain Tom

AP00_scifi_basics by Asset Forge

GF Sci-Fi and Modern by Gnome Factory

GF Futuristic Fantasy by Gnome Factory

TygerModernBasics by Tyger_purr

Construction Chaos by Val

GF Ruins and Apocalypse by Gnome Factory

GF Barren Biomes by Gnome Factory

GF Cyberpunk City Streets by Gnome Factory

TygerVehicles6 by Tyger_purr

TygerVehicles7 by Tyger_purr

TygerVehicles by Tyger_purr

TygerVehicles2 by Tyger_purr

https://preview.redd.it/13as07omog681.png?width=3500&format=png&auto=webp&s=9a9db028202442427ee04910536df26bbbf6dc1e

I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.

Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.

I was to take a trip to hell

And listen to dragula

Dead I am the pool Spreading from the fool Weak and want you need Nowhere as you bleed Dead I am the rat Feast upon the cat Tender is the fur Dying as you purr

But i decided to stay home

And eat chinese

And looking at a sex toy shop while i flip my spatula

My dearest:

I hope hundreds of bunnies flock to you each time you go outside today. I hope you are greeted by dozens of beautiful horses that offer to let you ride them to Starbucks and back. I hope thousands of butterflies gather in front of you and create a giant heart formation in the air and only you can see it. I hope the universe opens up and gives you everything you’ve ever wanted. I hope rays of sunshine pervade your walking path and keep the gloomy skies at bay. I hope all of the cutest dogs stop in front of you and let you pet their bellies. I hope you find a $100 bill on every corner you walk across. I hope all of your dreams are fulfilled entirely. I hope you never want again. I hope the rarest birds swoop down by your ear and serenade you with their prettiest lullabies. I hope you listen to your favorite song on repeat for an hour. I hope your heart is filled with the bliss of a thousand heavens. I hope you never shed a tear for the rest of your days unless they are tears of joy. I hope your sweet cat, Emilia offers you the most tender purrs and meows. I hope you know that I love you like a walrus.

Happy birthday, my love

The nurse asked the rabbit, “what is your blood type?”

“I am probably a type O” said the rabbit.

Hilva only had a quick second to turn her face as Jabba's tongue flew out of his mouth and landed on her cheek. It dripped slime down her face as Jabba tried to move his taster towards his black beauty's lips. Hilva however did not immediately accept her new master's kiss and kept on turning her head so it would miss her mouth and slop down her chin before it travelled back to her cheek and tried again. Minutes passed by with the horny Hutt trying over and over to kiss his Twi'lek slave while his hand that wasn't adorned with her chain was firmly planted on her ass squeezing away at her plump flesh.

Eventually, Jabba grunted in annoyance and ended his gentle attempts at reaching her lips. He wanted to kiss her and he would! His chain-wrapped hand suddenly grabbed her chin and cheeks to hold her still. Hilva continued to struggle, though she could only tremble and turn her head so little in a direction that she might as well have kept it still. With some pressure, Jabba squeezed the Twi'lek's mouth open and shot his tongue inside.

Wet gurgles, uncomfortable moans, and pleased sighs filled Jabba's quarters as the two kissed. Both of their eyes were closed, Jabba's closed because he savored their passion and Hilva's closed because she was trying to hide her discomfort. There was a bright side to his kissing, though: his flavor wasn't all that bad. When he had first kissed her, she was expecting a taste akin to rancid meat or rotten produce. Yet, when his saliva was flooding her mouth and dripping down her chin, all she could taste was blandness, like something that had once had a salty creamy flavor had deteriorated over a long period of time. His rancid breath and occasional addition of mucus did make it less bearable though.

His tongue again crushed hers and went to the back of her throat, but this time it pulled back to her lips before repeating the slow action of affection. Over and over did Jabba snog Hilva while his hand slowly dropped from her chin to her chest. Her bosom began heaving as his fingers brushed all over her onyx breasts, one of his fingers orbiting her dark grey nipple and giving it a gentle twist before doing the same to her other breast. At his tweaking, Hilva let out a muffled moan that sounded like arousal. Jabba's ears picked up on the tone and wetly chuckled, his fat belly rippling and wobbling with each laugh as he retracted his tongue for the last time in that session of kissing.

"Is that arousal I hear, my beauty?" Jabba

The doctor says it terminal.

Alot of great jokes get posted here! However just because you have a joke, doesn't mean it's a dad joke.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT NSFW, THIS IS ABOUT LONG JOKES, BLONDE JOKES, SEXUAL JOKES, KNOCK KNOCK JOKES, POLITICAL JOKES, ETC BEING POSTED IN A DAD JOKE SUB

Try telling these sexual jokes that get posted here, to your kid and see how your spouse likes it.. if that goes well, Try telling one of your friends kid about your sex life being like Coca cola, first it was normal, than light and now zero , and see if the parents are OK with you telling their kid the "dad joke"

I'm not even referencing the NSFW, I'm saying Dad jokes are corny, and sometimes painful, not sexual

So check out r/jokes for all types of jokes

r/unclejokes for dirty jokes

r/3amjokes for real weird and alot of OC

r/cleandadjokes If your really sick of seeing not dad jokes in r/dadjokes

Punchline !

Edit: this is not a post about NSFW , This is about jokes, knock knock jokes, blonde jokes, political jokes etc being posted in a dad joke sub

Edit 2: don't touch the thermostat

This is a repost as my original post was - for whatever reason - removed by the spam filter

Description: You are a – somewhat shy – neko guy who visits a professional cuddle parlour for the first time and gets some cuddles from a human snuggler.

Feel free to use this, but I'd like to get notified. I'd like to hear what you make of it.

(Doorbell rings)

Hello, welcome to the Madame Bastet's cuddle parlour. Hmm, I don't think I've seen you around here before, sir. Have you been to our establishment before? No? Oh, a first-timer, then! Splendid! Are you looking for something special? Just a little affection, huh? Excellent! Everybody needs a little affection every now and then, if you ask me.

Alright, then, let me check our appointments. (keyboard clicking sounds) Hmm, it would appear you have caught us on a busy day. The only snuggler who's not occupied at the moment is a human. Would that be alright with you? Some patrons have reservations about that. Oh yes, we employ human snugglers. Don't you worry, they're carefully vetted and trained and get excellent reviews from our patrons. You're okay with it? Excellent! That would be cabin nine, then. Down the corridor, the last one on the left. Let me wish you the most enjoyable experience!

(walking sounds, door opening sound)

Oh, hi! Please do come in! Welcome to Madame Bastet's, sir. My name is Sarah and I'm your snuggler for today. How are you? Nervous? Is this your first time at a cuddle parlour? That's fine, don't you worry. Leave it all to me! Just take a seat on the bed right here. Mind if I sit next to you? So, how about I just walk you through the procedure? I'll tell you what we're gonna do in advance, and if we should happen to do anything that you dislike you just tell me and we'll stop it right there – and get back to the stuff that you liked. How's that sound?

Before we get this started, would you like some light music in the background? Or maybe some nature sounds, like ocean waves or something? Okay, you're the boss! (from this point on background sounds can be included, but they're optional)

First off all, you are still way too tense. Here, let me give you a little shoulder massage. Here we go. You like it? Yeah, I know this is not technically cuddling, but it really helps a lot of patrons to wind down. Not much point in snuggling you if you are stiff as a board, right?

See, that's a lot better now, isn't it? So then, now for the real deal! How about we s

Do your worst!

How the hell am I suppose to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

Mathematical puns makes me number

We told her she can lean on us for support. Although, we are going to have to change her driver's license, her height is going down by a foot. I don't want to go too far out on a limb here but it better not be a hack job.

Ants don’t even have the concept fathers, let alone a good dad joke. Keep r/ants out of my r/dadjokes.

But no, seriously. I understand rule 7 is great to have intelligent discussion, but sometimes it feels like 1 in 10 posts here is someone getting upset about the jokes on this sub. Let the mods deal with it, they regulate the sub.

They were cooked in Greece.

I'm surprised it hasn't decade.

He lost May

Two muffins are in an oven, one muffin looks at the other and says "is it just me, or is it hot in here?"

Then the other muffin says "AHH, TALKING MUFFIN!!!"

Don't you know a good pun is its own reword?

For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.

I said "hey look, an escaPEA"

No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂

Said if she ever hosts a gender reveal party, when it comes time to pop the balloon she'll spray everyone with water.

Gender is fluid.

It really does, I swear!

And now I’m cannelloni

Because she wanted to see the task manager.

Our 13/14 year old calico Joon hasn't been eating well but she's always had issues. It took a long time to figure out she's very allergic to chicken and chicken eggs. After some setbacks we found a good LID food duo but had to change a few years ago. We found a duck food that she and the other liked, Merrick, but their quality varies a lot along with the consistency. Some cases they just won't eat. If it's their preferred texture (soft with some gravy) they can't get enough.

So we thought it was a food issue but she was at the vet in August to be sure after some big pukes and what seemed to be painful gas. They saw slightly thickened intestinal loops but weren't concerned.

This week they noticed a tenderness in her belly that wasn't there. Blood work normal, ultrasound showed a mass where small intestine meets... Something. I don't remember. It was a lot of info. The mass isn't obstructive. She's still peeing and pooping. They did a needle aspirate and we'll get the results next week. They did a chest xray to see if it spread - early opinion is that it hasn't, but we're waiting on the xray tech expert to look at it and let us know today. They also did a GI blood panel yesterday. More thickening of a portion of the intestines.

Vet and ultrasound guy feel like it's almost certainly cancer.

BEHAVIOR: she spent all day at the vet yesterday, 730-4. They did only a mild sedative for the needle aspirate. But when she got home she was manic and vigilant. Easy to purr, but wired. I was up late with her, she didn't sleep while I was with her til 11. My husband was with her from 5am on, no signs of sleep. She'll rest but she's not sleeping. This is different from before. She'll look comfortable in her bed with heating pad and then stand up. Then sit down. Pain? Or sedative side effects? How to help her calm down from it?

FOOD : because the Merrick duck has been going over like a load of bricks, I tried other no-chicken wet foods. A lot of them. She'll eat in small bits and then that's it. She's not getting enough. Lost 3 pounds since August. She will happily eat a few tablespoons of ham (or other tasty human food) but obviously that's not sustainable.

I got her some CBD pet treats with mushrooms from the local pet store recommended for cancer. Beefy. Won't eat it. She took an anti nausea pill this morning. We have appetite stimulant ear cream. I have other cbd stuff on order but it won't get here til next week.

Vet said this cancer is treatable but not curab

But that’s comparing apples to oranges

And boy are my arms legs.

Put it on my bill

Amy

Heard they've been doing some shady business.

but then I remembered it was ground this morning.

Edit: Thank you guys for the awards, they're much nicer than the cardboard sleeve I've been using and reassures me that my jokes aren't stale

Edit 2: I have already been made aware that Men In Black 3 has told a version of this joke before. If the joke is not new to you, please enjoy any of the single origin puns in the comments

BamBOO!

They’re on standbi

A play on words.

Hey there, it's me with a (late) Xmas one-shot for you all to enjoy. I've been hoping to write more fluffy stories for some time now, so this should be perfect experience for me. Like before, the rest of the story can be read on AO3, so be sure to check it out if you liked what you see here.

A light snow was falling over the port as a faint chill permeated the air, the light of Christmas morning dawning over the base. One by one, the ports’ residents were slowly stirring from their peaceful slumber and rubbed their eyes open, a sudden realization dawning on them. Today was the day; a day where one can mingle in blissful harmony with each other as they exchanged heartfelt gifts to each other. However, there were others who were up and about while they were still nice and comfy inside their beds.

Belfast was one of those women, the illustrious Head Maid of the Royal Navy working her delicate hands to the bone preparing the Christmas feast for this evening. And though she worked diligently with a smile on her face, it masked a tiny hint of bitterness; after all, she had wanted nothing more than to relax and spend the day with Enterprise, but she was also as busy as a beaver. Still, she didn’t let her feelings get in the way of her duty, for the most part that is.

“Keep it up everyone, we’re almost finished with the turkeys; after that, it’s down to the desserts and Hors d'oeuvres.” She called out to her fellow maids, who were quickly yet efficiently handling the cooking. A small smile graced Belfast’s tired face; she has taught her fellow maids well. Even Sirius, who was notorious for making at least five mistakes a day was flourishing under the careful gaze of her older sister. And speaking of which, it seemed that Dido was a little too eager on taste-testing one of the chocolate cakes she was making.

“Dido.” The white-haired maid called out to her, causing the latter to jump on the spot, mere moments from spilling the cake batter all over the floor. “I appreciate your diligence, but if you keep tasting it, there won’t be any cake left for everyone else.”

“A-Ahhh, s-sorry Belfast! I just wanted to make the best cake possible for our Master…” Dido squeaked in surprise, gripping the pan as firmly as possible. “I…I’ve been tasting it to see what else it needs; what else I could add to show my thanks for his loyalty and kindness.”

“I’m sure he’ll appreciate the love and passion you’ve put into your creation.” Belfast chimed in merrily, a brief look of

Calcium, nickel, neon

Now that I listen to albums, I hardly ever leave the house.