A list of puns related to "Promise Me"
Now Iβm two hours late and I donβt even like Jim Carey
Sheβs dead and berried.
He was a bald faced liar.
"Finally," she said when I arrived, "you're late."
I guess you can say I butchered my grades.
He said they're all confidental
Hmm, maybe I should start giving my race horses normal names.
Hopefully it'll be a dry hump day.
I am a bit proud of what I achieved today. I promise that this is spontaneous to me, even though I might have heard the word somewhere else.
So my older children are up and waiting for breakfast, and they started talking about a game variety of Parkour, and the word βlegendaryβ is being thrown around casually. So I ask them if they know what legendary means, and my son says, after a minute of thinking, that it means very amazing. I answered, βNo, legendary means super famous milk.β Took them half a minute to figure out and I got the biggest groans ever!
She said, 'Are you having me on?'
I said, 'I'll give you an audition but I'm not promising anything.'
I'm writing vows for me wedding, and am going to have a line that's something like "I promise to try not to tell too many dad jokes", but then I want to follow it up immediately with a bad dad joke about that.
So far the best I have is "I promise to try not to tell too many dad jokes, no matter how punny I think they are".... But I reckon there's gotta be something better than that. Any suggestions?
For my highschool, Prom is this weekend. A group of friends asked the guy behind me in class wether or not he was going. He said no. He then said...
"I promise to go next year"
Then I turned around and said...
"Oh. You... PROM-ise to go next year?"
He said yeah then went back to work. 5 seconds later he slowly looked up at me with the "really?" Expression.
Worth it.
A little too proud of this one...
So Iβm on my usual Tuesday morning conference call with a bunch of vendors, coworkers, bosses, etc...
With his dog barking in the background one of my bosses chimes in and says βJust so you all know, Iβm on the call but Iβm outside right now having my roof looked at so I might be a little distractedβ.
I couldnβt resist... With the instincts of a wild puma plotting against itβs poor defenseless prey, I pounce...
βIs your dog lookin at it?
Cuz he keeps saying ROOF!!! ROOF ROOF!!!β
I was immediately rewarded with a spectacular cacophony of groans and βthat was awfulββs... It was glorious. Iβm pretty sure Iβll get another promotion for it.
EDIT: So... no promotion... but in a pure, hilarious coincidence, I actually DID just get the news that I'm finally getting that raise they promised me at my last review. Too fuckin funny.
So it was my first time meeting my girlfriend's family and it was a holiday so I had assumed it would go like how it is in the movies, the guy being constantly criticized by the girl's family and told he's not good enough but I must have lucked out as they absolutely loved me, after we had the traditional thanksgiving meal at around 4, her family and I went to the porch to drink and joke around. On the way out to the porch, buzzed me thought it would be hilarious to take someone's ukelele with me and hide it on the porch, I promised myself that before the day is over, I'd use that ukelele as a joke piece and get everyone to love me even more. So the evening is going great, everyone's drunk, laughing, telling funny family stories when all of a sudden, I stand up, get everyone's attention and I grab the ukelele, picked it up and said
"I like to play a little guitar"
The hysterical, drunken laughs of everyone on the porch was the highlight of the best Thanksgiving I've ever had.
I run a DnD game and am very bad at puns. Like all good writers, though, I thought of a character name that made me laugh and have decided to build a personality around it.
Basically he's a surfer bro nazi. Militantly chill. He's a villain in the game but will hopefully read as still kinda tempting to party with. The only thing I've been able to come up with that has any promise whatsoever is "Third Reichteous."
Thank you, reddit angels
Okay... A bit of back story. My dad is someone who knows how to end fun...
But all in all, it is fine. We just normally talk t on him about serious topics.
So one night, my dad was in the shower. My sister and I were bickering about something and she did something that made me angry. So I screamed at my dad to "look at what she did" (I think she hit me or something) and all he merely did was peaked his head out of the bathroom and went back in.
I was expecting something like a scolding or something so I screamed again. Then he told me that I asked him to "look" and so he did already.
I promised myself to not talk to him again until I left my home. But if course with my bloody short attention span (I was around 7 or 8), I forgot about it the next morning. My sis n him had a laugh... π π π
The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.
After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.
Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself.
But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife.
So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.
But, alas, Andy refused.
He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
...a wagon train was heading out west. Inside one of the wagons, a man lay on his deathbed with friends and family gathered 'round. He gestured to his best friend, who leaned down to hear what the dying man had to say.
"My friend," he whispered, "I'm not gonna make it, but I wanna be remembered. When you get to where you're going, I want you to name a town after me."
"You betcha," his friend says. "Anything for you, Al."
Then the man gestures to his best friend's son, who likewise leans down to hear the dying man's last words.
"Boy, make sure your old man keeps his promise to name a town after me."
The boy answers, "Yes, Sir, Mr. Buquerque."
This older guy came in with his grandson and paid with a $100. As is policy, I had to use the marker to make sure it was real and look for the line. I asked someone to get me a marker, and the grandpa says, "I promise it's good, made it last night!"
It's nice when people have a sense of humor.
Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.
Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":
So, my wife and I decided to move this freestanding shelf thing to our dining area. However, we have wood floors, so pretty much anything that's put there (table, chairs) has to have these felt pads on the bottom so it doesn't scratch up the floor. Even if this won't get moved around much, if at all, I felt better about putting the pads on the bottom of this shelf as well, just in case.
My wife has been bugging me to do it for a while, but you know, laziness. Finally, earlier tonight, I cut the felt sheets to size, stuck them on the shelf, and put it where it belongs. When I was done, I called my wife over. "I'm in bed!" "It'll be quick, I promise!" groan "You don't even have to come downstairs, you can see it from the hallway outside the bedroom door!"
Finally she came out, with a "this had better be good" look on her face. I pointed to the shelf, and proudly declared that "I felt up this rack!"
Worth it.
So I'm not a dad but I do have fatherly aspirations. I told this joke at a wedding for a friend of mine. All names have changed except the bride's last name- it's a big part of the joke. My buddy we'll call Bob Smith, and his bride is Jane Patton.
After the father of the bride gives his toast, and the best man does his, I grab the mike from the best man and begin. This is as verbatim as I can remember. So I intro myself and promise to keep my comment short and say,
"Bob, I just want to say you're a great friend of mine, like a brother, and one thing I love about you is you're always surprising me. Like today for instance, I didn't know you were an inventor. Lo and behold, you've got your name on a Patton!"
Chuckles, drowned out by groans. I apologize and return to my seat.
I picked up my son for the weekend and we get back to my house. I had hung up a few of his pictures on the fridge so naturally he asked about it.
Dad: Who is that on the fridge?
Son: Me!
Dad: Hmm... that's not me. That's Jason!
Son: No that's me!
Dad: I promise you that's not me. I'm pretty sure that's Jason...
This proceeds to go on for several more minutes until he groans and walks away.
Dad: 1 Me: 0
Had to sign a ton of papers. The lady that was running the closing hands me something about how I promise to put the water bill in my name and says "this is the water addendum"
I respond, "Really? looks like a paper addendum to me!"
No one laughed.
I'll ask around to see if anyone has saw it...
Example: Me: Where's my phone? Dad: Your Phone?! (In a very promising tone) Me: Yes! (Relieved) Dad: Don't know. (Troll Face)
Every goddam time.
Her: Baby, I'm going to go jump in the shower.
Me: NO, DON'T! You could totally slip and fall; promise me you'll keep your feet planted, okay?
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. Sheβs dead and berried.
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