Taking notes
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blu-Zoo-18
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2023
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I was driving past a prison for dwarfs the other day and saw one inmate scaling down the wall with a bunch of bedsheets tied together

I thought,

That's a little condescending

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlmightyOne23
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2022
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Where do dogs go to buy lunch?

The Barkery

Corny I know

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jack_58523
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2023
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I got fired from my job at the bank today.

An old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlufffyCatFIN
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2022
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When Billy Joel's house burned down, the fire marshal blamed a faulty gaming console...

However, Mr Joel remains steadfast that Wii didn't start the fire.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2022
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My girlfriend said she wanted to buy some books before we had even put our new bookcase together.

I said β€œlet’s not get ahead of our shelves”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YourOverLordisME
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2022
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What did the horse go as on Halloween?

A night mare.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joscarbuck
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2022
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Why won’t zombies eat Trick or Treaters dressed as a ghost?

Because they taste like sheet

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2022
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I was in a band...

called Hinges... We opened for the Doors.

called White Line... We did middle of the road stuff.

Called Middle of the Road... We loved doing white lines πŸ˜‰

Called Lost Cat... You probably saw our posters?

Called 999Mb.... We never had a gig.

Where we all had ADHD... We hated jamming.

That played U2 covers... Our gigs were pro Bono.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StechTocks
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2022
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Lance isn’t a popular male name these days.

But in medieval times, men were named Lance a lot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ho2Me9
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2022
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Where are all dad jokes stored?

In a dad-a-base

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πŸ‘€︎ u/catman678
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2022
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best natural dad joke I've ever made

The day after my son was born he was having trouble breast feeding. he got fussy and i was comforting him, i told him "it's alright that you didn't get it right away, you were only born yesterday"

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2022
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I had fond memories of making sandcastle with my grandpa.

But mom told me to leave his urn alone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fermat_p
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2022
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A bivalve mollusc quietly overlooks the bay, upon its perch atop the waves. All is serene, all is well. Until, that is, the mollusc sees angry, thunderous clouds broiling in the horizon. The mollusc stands resolute as the squall approaches.

It was the clam before the storm.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SolWishing12
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2022
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I left my ex wife because she would not stop counting.

I don't know what she is up to now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/clonetheory
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2022
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What do you call stingy ants who are made for eating?

In-GREEDY-ants!

My boyfriend practically face-palmed as I beamed at him after coming up with and telling him this one.

He did enjoy it, though he may just be humoring me lol

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zombiep00
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2022
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I tripped on a bra…

It was a booby trap

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πŸ‘€︎ u/60_watts
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2022
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Help me remember the punchline to an old joke

I heard this joke probably 35-40 years ago and just thought of it again recently. My dad loved this joke, but I can't remember the punchline.

An older couple had been married for many, many years. So many years in fact that she knew all his jokes my heart. They decided to save time by numbering all of his jokes. While sitting together in their rockers, he would lean over and whisper, "Number 7." She giggled while continuing her knitting. A few minutes later, he learned over again and whispered, "Number 12." This time, she laughed out loud.

Then something funny happens.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Corruich
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2022
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There was this tramp…

One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.

He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road.

He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire.

"How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughterinto the warmth of the limo.

"Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."

"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"

"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet.

"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"

"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".

"Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your money?"

"Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday"

"Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home.

"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.

He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk.

"I'll have one holiday please!"

"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.

"Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.

"Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"

"Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars"

"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.

"Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"

"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check"

The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement -

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FancyAlligator
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2022
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My girlfriend started lying to me because of all my bad jokes.

We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong.

A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were only funny to me, but that just made it even funnier to me so I continued telling all these dad jokes to her and died laughing every time.

She puts up with it because she loves me. At least I thought so.

We were always 100% honest with each other and I'm still shaken by the things she told me today.

I sent her probably one of my worst dad jokes ever (that I stole from reddit), and she just couldn't take it anymore and told me how stupid my jokes are and that she doesn't know if she'll be able to put up with it much longer.

But that's not the worst part, I actually appreciated her honesty and considered the possibility to stop with all the stupid jokes and become more serious in the relationship.

The worst part is that she lied to me for the first time in all these years. I felt like I just couldn't trust her anymore and everything I thought I knew about her as a person just became questionable. I need your advice on how to react to this huge lie...

She told me she's Sorry, but I know for a FACT that her name is Diane.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/filiprogic
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
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What's a pirate's favorite letter?

You probably thought it was R, but a pirate's true love is the C.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordSlack
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2021
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If....

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then You Are ProbablyΒ the family dog.

Handle every stressful situation like a dog:

If you can't eat it or play with it,Β pee on it and walk away!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Turbo-R
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2022
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Mt oldest is getting to be pretty good at using my own jokes against me when I'm not expecting.

Kid: Hey dad, look at that! (Points with his finger to something off in the distance.)

Me: (Looking in direction he's pointing) What? Where? I don't see anything.

Kid: (Still pointing) Right there, look, you see it?

Me: (Still looking, getting annoyed that I don't see it) WHAT? What is it??

Kid: (Holding up the same finger) It's my finger!

I have been doing this to him recently and it always gets him. I love that he's able to totally get me with it now.

Edit: MY oldest, not Mt oldest. Not sure what the oldest mountain is, but it probably isn't as funny as my oldest kid is becoming.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flash17k
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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For math lovers and others to
  1. Why was the fraction apprehensive about marrying the decimal? Because he would have to convert.

  2. Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots.

  3. Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average? It was a mean thing to say!

  4. Why was the math book depressed? It had a lot of problems.

  5. Why is the obtuse triangle always so frustrated? Because it is never right.

  6. Why can you never trust a math teacher holding graphing paper? HeΒ must be plotting something.

  7. Why was the equal sign so humble? Because she knew she wasn’t greater than or less than anyone else.

  8. What do you call the number 7 and the number 3 when they go out on a date? The odd couple

  9. What do you call a number that can’t stay in one place? A Roamin’ numeral.

  10. Did you hear the one about the statistician? Probably.

  11. What do you call dudes who love math? Algebros.

  12. I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trig. I’ll even do statistics. But graphing is where I draw the line!

  13. Why should you never talk to Pi? Because she’ll go on and on and on forever.

  14. Why are parallel lines so tragic if they have so much in common? It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

  15. Are monsters good at math? Not unless you Count Dracula.

  16. What’s the best way to flirt with a math teacher? Use acute angle.

  17. Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers? They’d stop at nothing to avoid them.

  18. How do you stay warm in any room? Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.

  19. Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven eight ("ate") nine!

  20. Why DID seven eat nine? Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!

  21. Why does nobody talk to circles? Because there is no point.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/InvestWithArihant
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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I just finished grocery shopping with my dad

and we were loading the food into my car.

Me: "I'm gonna take out one of the sandwiches for the car."

Pa: "If you're hungry you should probably take one out for yourself too."

Love you, pa.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JMets6986
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2013
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My Thanksgiving Confession

Hey guys. As I'm sure most of you know, it's currently Thanksgiving in Canada. This time of year for me has, in the past, caused a lot of issues in my life.

To give a little bit of background on me, I'm usually an extremely healthy and fit guy, as I play high-level sports and have a physically demanding job. However, for much of my life, my willpower began to crumble around this time of year.

I first started taking my diet seriously when I was about 12 years old. I had some kind of realization where like, I dunno, I started looking at how jacked these movie stars were and was all, "wow, I want to be that cool too." Judging by the bowl cut I had when I was 12, my perception of cool may have been a little skewed, but I digress.

Anyhow, it was my first Thanksgiving where everything started falling apart. One of my relative's families ended up no-showing for dinner, so we were left with a load of Thanksgiving leftovers. For the next week, every single meal or snack I had was Thanksgiving themed. Sandwich? Turkey sandwich. Breakfast? Let's dollop some cranberry sauce on that bad boy. By the next week, my BGC (blood gravy content) was probably at like 1.0%.

You'd think I'd be sick of holiday food after that. But no. I loved it.

The tradition of refrigerated Thanksgiving snacks continued throughout the rest of my teen years. Like clockwork, the numbers on the scale would significantly jump upwards in October, with Halloween candy adding an extra layer of calories on top. By the time I reached 17, my waist had begun noticeably ballooning, and I realized it was all due to Thanksgiving turkey. Sure, I had some at Christmas and sometimes at Easter, but never like that. My mother would encourage this habit, making more food each year to be stuffed into our packed refrigerator.

The movie star bod I wanted for so much at the age of 12 was slipping a way. I needed to put an end to this.

Flash forward to October 2015, age 18. I had made a vow: I never again would place such putrid poultry onto my tastebuds. And ever since that fateful week of 2014, my vow had held true.

Each Thanksgiving, I can feel that craving for chilled turkey knocking on the refrigerator door of my fragile ego. For three years, I've held strong. But when will the garrison fall? When will that soft, biting flesh of the big bird smash it's way back into my life.

But so far, I've quit cold turkey.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/M3gaC00l
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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Made my dad crack up today

While we were working together, I passed some gas. This conversation immediately followed:

Dad: Did you say something?

Me: No, but there is an asshole behind me talking shit.

Apparently he had never heard this joke, and he couldn't stop laughing for a good minute. It's usually pretty hard to get him to laugh. But we both love lame jokes and it really surprised me he has never heard it.

I know it's probably not a dad joke per se, but Dad/Grandfather to my child was involved so it should still count.

TLDR: farted and said "there's an asshole behind me talking shit"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/7hr0wi74w4y
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2016
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The Man Who Loved Hollandaise

A man went to his dentist because he felt something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examined him and said "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"

The man replied, "All I can think of is that about four months ago, my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious... hollandaise sauce! I love it so much now that I put it on everything -- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything!"

The dentist said, "Well, that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new one, and this time, I'll use chrome."

"Why chrome?" asked the patient.

"It's simple," said the dentist. "Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
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Proud moment at Thanksgiving dinner tonight. (yes it's Thanksgiving in Canada - TYL)...

My daughter (13) hates listening to my Dad jokes all the time (down deep she really loves them)

So tonight at dinner I said, wow I'm so stuffed and she says, oh probably from all the stuffing eh!? She then says, oh god I'm turning into you! ☺️

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lachrondizzle23
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2017
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On the burial plans for Fidel Castro

I ask my girlfriend, "Do you think Castro will be cremated or buried?"

She says, "I couldn't care less why what do you think?"

I reply, "Probably cremated, people love to smoke Cubans."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Subbbie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2016
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Wife got me in the movie theater...

We were watching the newest Hunger Games movie a couple of weekends ago. Throughout the film she was (very quietly) whispering interesting things that were in the books but not the film.

Mild Spoilers

There is a certain part where a character goes back for a cat.

End Mild Spoilers

She leans over and I think she was going to tell me another interesting things about the scene. She whispered a little louder than the other times, "You've gotta be kitten me right meow!"

You could hear the slight chuckle from the people in front of us and I had to stifle my laughter. I probably shouldn't find it that funny, but I love good timing and a corny joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blackdragon8577
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2014
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Got my girlfriend

We were at a bar getting food and there was a tennis game playing on tv.

Girlfriend: I wonder if Djokovic is single

Me: Probably not. I mean, to him, love means nothing.

Girlfriend: Wow that is such an old joke.

Me: I guess I'm not a good Jokervic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NeonNytrox
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2016
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I like to collect the stupid things my family says.

This might be a bit long? My family isn't the brightest of individuals.

Sister: My balls are caught in the door!

Me: LOL, WHAT?

Sister: The poof balls on my shoes.


**Grandpa**: I saw you took my junk out of your car and threw it into my car.

**Grandma**: *grins and nods*

**Grandpa**: You're so sweet.

**Grandma**: And I saw lotto tickets too.

**Grandpa**: I dunno where those came from.

**Grandma**: Uh-huh. Probably a damn $5 dollar ticket too.

**Grandpa**: No, $2.

**Me**: He doesn't know where they came from, but he knows how much they cost.

**Grandpa**: *starts adding more to my list of chores*

~

**Grandpa**: It's kinda hot in here.

**Grandma**: NO IT'S NOT, Take off your damn clothes if you're hot.

**Grandpa**: Is that all you ever want me to do, take my clothes off?!

**Me**: OH DEAR GOD, I'M RIGHT HERE.

~

**TV**: The line, "To be, or not to be. That is the question!" is from which Shakespeare play?

**Grandma**: Julius Caesar, right?

**Me**:  Wow.

~

**Me**: How can you NOT like that movie. It has WILL SMITH.

**Grandma**: *thinks* Is it that movie, and he has a partner?!

**Me**: YES. And he's in the west and there's that giant spider at the end!

**Grandma**: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!

**ME**: I DID.

~

**Grandpa**: I need to get a tree saw.

**Grandma**: What's a tree saw...

**Me**: A TREE SAW. A saw, that saws trees. You can't simplify it anymore than that.

~

*while watching American Idol*

**Me**: Omg, that guy's nose is HUGE.

**Grandpa**: If he sniffs really hard, he could overdose on oxygen.

~

**Grandpa**: I'm looking for my camouflage underwear, but they're camouflaged so well, that I can't find them!

~

*Sister rambles on about hating cats and how they're scary*

**Me**: You're just a weenie, Tyla.

**Tyla**: Oh yeah?  Well at least Papa loves weenies!

*Me and Papa look at each other*

**Me**: I sure as hell hope Papa does NOT like weenies.

~

*As we drive home, the tornado siren goes off* 

**Kaylah**: Have you ever seen it?

**Me**: ...Seen what? 

**Kaylah**: The car with the siren.

**Me**: What in the hell are you talking about? 

**Kaylah**: Isn't the tornado siren on a car that drives around town? 

**Me**: ......

~

*While driving through Alton one morning* 

**Grandma**: Here, take a sip of this.

**Me**: Ew.  Coffee is nasty.

**Grandma**: No it isn't!  It wakes ya up, and puts hair on your chest!

~

*Grandma walks out of the bathroom and wipes her wet hands on my face* 

**Grandma*
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ziezie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2014
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This one happened last night while i was visiting for dinner, I knew it had to go here.

I just subscribed to dadjokes and I absolutely love it. Probably because i have the same sense of humor. Anyway here is what happened last night as I was home visiting for dinner.

My mom has spent all day preparing a glorious meal of shredded barbeque chicken, spanish rice, and corn bread (the kind of home cooked meal you just don't get in college). One of my moms absolute favorite things is cornbread and honey. so while we were sitting at the table waiting for her to get her plate she set my dad up for his moment of glory. "Is my honey on the table already?" I saw the look in his eyes he knew he had her! "No sweety I'm in my chair. I haven't had enough to drink to get on the table yet!" I laughed high fived my dad while my mom and my sister rolled their eyes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ferntuckydylan333
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2013
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Healthcare Dad Joke from today

We use these red sliding sheets to help transfer patients from the operating table to their trolley (they're widely used in hospitals and care environments for various patient manual handling tasks). For those who are unfamiliar, it's basically a double layered, frictionless sheet you position under the patient in order (theoretically) to transfer them with minimal force and effort.

One particular colleague hates them, and today ranted:

"I would love to punch the guy who invented these and has probably made millions of pounds and retired"

To which someone immediately responded:

"I bet he's a right slippery character though".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/machschau
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2015
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Dadjoked in the garden

My dad and I were doing some spring lawn care in my yard yesterday.

When we were near the gardens he asked me "Why don't you plant the onions next to the potatoes?" I said I'm not sure, probably because there's not enough room.

He says to me, "Good thing, it would just make their eyes water anyway."

My love for him grows stronger.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/largetall
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2015
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I asked my girlfriend why my boogers are so delicious...

I told her I probably just love the taste of umaME!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justgentile
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2015
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I got one in before my dad, he was jealous

So, I inherited my father's hilariously lame sense of humor and love of dad jokes. A few years ago I was Skyping with my parents and my mom was telling me how they would come home and find our cats up on the kitchen table laying on the laptop. She said something along the lines of "I wonder why they're doing it so much."

I responded (rather quickly, I might add) with "They're probably looking at kitty porn."

My dad was mad that he didn't think of it himself.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CraigularB
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2013
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After I bored her with one of my longwinded tales...

FiancΓ©e: You just love telling stories don't you? You're such a storyteller. I bet if you found a piece of string laying on the ground you'd tell me a story about that too.

Me: You're right, if I found a string on the ground I'd probably spin quite the yarn.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cheevocabra
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2013
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