Person in job interview : hi my name is Michael with a B and I am afraid of all insects .

Interviewer : where ? Micheal : where what ? Interviewer : where's the B ? Michael : THERE'S A BEE! (runs out of room )

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SepticSprout
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
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To all of us, Prince was a very talented musician, composer, songwriter and performer.

But to the recording studios, he was more than that. He was a symbol.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Myntrith
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 23 2016
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I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece

He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/elemexe
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 02 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Can i get geographically punnier then this

Timmy : I'm Hungary,. Mum : Why don't you Czech the fridge. Timmy : Ok, I'm Russian to the kitchen. Mum : Hmm...maybe you'll find some Turkey. Timmy : Yeah, but its all covered in Greece. Yuck ! Mum : There is Norway you can eat that. Timmy : I know, I guess I'll just have a can of Chile. Mum : Denmark your name on the can. Timmy : Kenya do it for me? Mum : Ok , I'm Ghana do it. Timmy : Thanks, i'm so tired Iran for an hour today. Mum : It Tokyo long enough. Timmy : Yeah, Israelly hard sometimes !

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AMswag123
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 26 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Social Distancing Pickup Lines
  • If Covid-19 doesn't take you out, can I?
  • Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket are you happy to be within 6 ft of me?
  • Can't spell virus without U and I.
  • Do you need toilet paper cuz I can be your Prince Charmin.
  • I saw you checking me out from across the bar, stay there.
  • Hey Baby! Can I ship you a drink?
  • Can't spell quarantine without U R A Q T.

credit: some facebook post i saw.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/shamblingman
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
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Vulture Problems (and apologies to Kansas)

The Prince of the vultures had always been a rebel, but he surprised everyone when he announced he was going to be a vegetarian. And nobody expected this to divide the vulture kingdom, with nearly half the vultures supporting the Prince's choice. Tempers flared, and civil war was brewing when the Prince burst into the King's chambers.

"Father," he cried, "I never meant to cause this. I'll do anything you say to reunite the kingdom. Please, Father, what should I eat?"

The King set a plate of roadkill in front of the Prince, and said "Carrion, my wayward son. There'll be peace when you are done."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/rjsquirrel
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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Iโ€™m at my school talent show and this guy said...

โ€œbefore I start, I would like to check if my mic is working..โ€ โ€œif your name is Michael, please stand upโ€

then a couple of guys stand up and he goes

โ€œthat concludes my mike checkโ€

(I saw this tweet and just had to share it!) Click here for credit

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
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I married the prince...

I went online and saw that a nigerian princess wanted to send me millions of dollars. However, I had to send $100 for handling fees on the check. However, I wanted confirmation. So I had her send me a picture. She did. Now, a princess needs a prince right? So I went online and found a picture of an eligible bachelor prince. Some guy from Jordan. I then took the two images, placed them side by side, and had some photoshopped ceremonial garb.

In otherwords, I married the prints. Of course, I took pictures of the happy event and sent them to the "princess" with the caption "I already married the prints." The scammer didn't reply unfortunately.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Calthropstu
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 28 2020
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Dad Jokers of Reddit, I need your help

Iโ€™m about to ask a friend of mine to Prom, and sheโ€™s an exchange student from Denmark. Sheโ€™s also a huge fan of puns.

Thus, Iโ€™ve come to the finest community of Reddit in search of a good Denmark pun. Whatโ€™s your best??

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/nitrodragon523
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Help with puns on biblical figures

I'm performing a comedy and I have an improv bit where I call someone a goofy name. It needs to be a pun on something in Judeo-Christian cannon, bonus points if it's about the angel michael. I.e. Michael Sword-an or Joan of Snark... something like that. Yall got suggestions???

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Tesla_pasta
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
From my daughter (as we ate at Five Guys): I had some fries and they complained about everything.

I guess you could say they were kinda salty!

Her and I always exchange dad jokes. We've been impacted by hurricane Michael and have been away from home for over a week. She looked up a bunch of dad jokes to tell me since I've been busy getting our stuff figured out and been in meetings to get work/job operational once the building/power/water is available.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RomeoFour8
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 17 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Geographically dad-joked my wife

This morning, Wife was looking at pictures of my sister on her honeymoon and remarked, "Oh my God, these pictures of Greece are so beautiful."

"Yeah," I replied. "Did you know French Fries were first made there?"

"What?"

"Yup, French Fries were made in Greece."

She did not deign to reply.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 56
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tanman1975
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 08 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Deja Moo

Oh MOOgosh. This might just sound like a load of Bull, but please STEER me out.

Deja Moo (Sung to the tune of Fresh Prince of Bel-air)


Now these are puns all about COWS

Their milk gets flipped, churned all around.

And Iโ€™d like to take a minute but I wonโ€™t stop and prattle

And tell you this story you havenโ€™t HERD about cattle.


In IstanBULL I was born and BRAISED.

In the pastures back then in my HAYDAYS.

Chewing cud, RUMPING round, and making a fuss.

TANNING out so UDDERLY ridiculous.


When a couple of HEIFERS who had BEEF with me

Started BULLying on my Brand , you see.

I got TIPPED over once and my mom got scared

She said you're MOOvin your behind, your butt, your DAIRY Air.


I whistled for a calf and when it came near

Thought she was a babe, but HE was a STEER!

If anything I can say this STEAK is rare

But that Bovine was BO-FINE so I didnโ€™t care!


I got milked a few times, maybe 7 or 8

More like long-gonehorn, than reliable date.

So I CHUCKED out the udder half of the pasture,

Bevo ainโ€™t a cow, donโ€™t got what Iโ€™m after.


Fun fact: a Dairy Cow can produce 125lbs of saliva a day.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KrazyCasey412
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 14 2016
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I got drunk and went to a petting zoo with my buddy and came across some goats...

... The sign on their pen said their names were Michael and Wayne.

My friends said, "Those names are kind of dumb, I think they could have done better."

A man standing with his two young daughters turned to my friend and said, "Really? They're the Greatest Of All Time."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ngtstkr
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 23 2018
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Two men worked on the same police force.

One was named Michael White and the other Kevin Wong. Together, they formed a good-cop-bad-cop team known as White and Wong.

When White was killed in the line of duty, Wong's brother joined the force, but it was never quite the same. After all, two Wongs don't make a White.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 25
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Doctor_Oceanblue
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 27 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Bike shop

I was visiting a friend in Copenhagen, Denmark. As we were having a walk, a shop piqued my interest with the name Loke (which I assumed was one way to spell Loki's name, the Norse God of mischief).

Me: What's that shop over there? Friend: That? It's a bike shop. Me: for Bikings?

Groans and threats to be thrown off the nearby bridge were made.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/asatiir
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 15 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I'm taking an improv class [shaggy dog]

and today, we were playing a game of "Yes, Let's!" If you're unfamiliar, that's a group improv exercise where one person says "Let's do a thing!" and everybody else replies "Yes, let's!" and then proceeds to act out the scene. After acting out said scene, somebody freezes, then everybody freezes, and then someone else starts one.

In this case, it was "Let's go to a Michael Jackson tribute concert!" Now, we'd just been coached to assume distinct roles in an attempt to construct a coherent narrative, and so I, as an awkward, scrawny, blond white man, slipped effortlessly into the role of a shitty Michael Jackson impersonator. And I must have been doing something right, because the rest of the group quickly formed a scene as the audience, security, and crew, and stupidity ensued as I sucked at being Michael Jackson for all I was worth.

A few people started heckling, and then one of the audience members barged past security and mimed punching me in the head, whereupon I dramatically spun and dropped to the floor with a resounding THUD (knowing how to fall is a useful skill). The reaction was about a third laughs, a third stage-gasps, and a third just confusion. But I did get a few compliments after the exercise on my impression and my theatrics.

So I'd say that was a pretty big hit.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/teuast
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 29 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
100 Paw-sitively Meow-nificent Cat Purr-ns Fur Mew to Use Whenev-fur Mew Need
  • Allow => A-meow
  • Apology => A-paw-logy
  • Appalling => A-paw-ling
  • Attitude => Cat-titude
  • Awesome => Paw-some / Claw-some
  • Awful => Claw-ful / Paw-ful
  • Because => Be-claws
  • Before => Be-fur
  • Bother => Bo-fur
  • Catastrophe => Cat-astrophe
  • Catastrophic => Cat-astrophic
  • Catch => Cat-ch
  • Clever => Claw-ver
  • Confusing => Con-fur-sing
  • Congratulations => Con-cat-ulations
  • Different => Dif-fur-rent
  • Disappearance => Disa-purr-ance
  • Familiar => Fur-miliar
  • Feeling => Feline
  • For => Fur
  • For real => Fur real
  • Forever => Fur-ever
  • Forget => Fur-get
  • Fortunate => Fur-tunate
  • Forward => Fur-ward
  • Friend => Fur-end
  • Furious => Fur-ious
  • Further => Fur-ther
  • Get or Got => Cat
  • Help me out => Help meow-t
  • History => Hiss-tory
  • Hysterical => Hiss-terical
  • Inferior => In-fur-ior
  • Kidding me => Kitten me
  • Konnichiwa => Konnichi-paw
  • Literally => Litter-ally
  • Literature => Litter-a-ture
  • Lost => Claw-st
  • Lying => Lion
  • Magnificent => Meow-nificent
  • Marvellous => Meow-velous
  • Minimum => Mew-nimum
  • Misery => Mew-sery
  • Moment => Mew-ment
  • Mountain => Meow-ntain
  • Move => Mew-v
  • Music => Mew-sic
  • Musician => Meow-sician
  • Never => Nev-fur
  • New => Mew
  • Now => Meow
  • Over => Ov-fur
  • Paper => Pay-purr
  • Pardon me => Paw-don me
  • Pause => Paws
  • Perfect => Purr-fect
  • Perhaps => Purr-haps
  • Permission => Purr-mission
  • Person => Purr-son
  • Personal => Purr-sonal
  • Persuasion => Purr-suasion
  • Places => Purr-laces
  • Please => Paw-lease
  • Portable => Paw-table
  • Positive => Paw-sitive
  • Possibility => Paw-sibility
  • Possibly => Paw-sibly
  • Precious => Purr-ecious
  • Prefer => Paw-fer
  • Preposterous => Pre-paw-sterous
  • Pretty => Purr-ty
  • Priceless => Purr-iceless
  • Prince => Purr-ince
  • Princess => Purr-incess
  • Puns => Purr-ns
  • Purpose => Purr-pose
  • Referring => Re-fur-ing
  • Respond => Res-paw-nd
  • Simple => Sim-paw-le
  • Suffer => Suf-fur
  • Superior => Su-purr-ior
  • Tale => Tail
  • Talent => Tail-ent
  • Tell => Tail
  • Thatโ€™s all => Catโ€™s all
  • Unfortunate => Un-fur-tunate
  • Very => Furry
  • Whenever => Whene-fur
  • Wonderful => Won-fur-ful
  • You => Mew
  • Apologize => A-paw-logize
  • First => Furr-st
  • How are you? => Meow are mew?
  • Morning => Meowrning
  • Phon
... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/eyl327
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 01 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Father-In-Law just laid this one on the wife and I

So my wife is working on Genealogy stuff, and was asking her dad about some of his family history. After telling a few stories about some of his other uncles, he comes to his uncle Charles. "I was named after him, you know..." he tells us.

We look at him more than a bit incredulously, as his name is Michael.

He smiles and says "What? I sure as hell wasn't named BEFORE him..."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ohnoesazombie
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 13 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My socially awkward dad

The first time we met my brother's gf (now wife) she was talking about how many natural disasters there is in USA (brother's gf from Boston, we are from Denmark) and we have almost none here

and he continues the topic

Dad: "well... The only natural disaster in Denmark is 'mom' in a bathing suit.."

We laughed so hard (even 'mom') except the gf, she begins to cry and claims that danes are monsters.. Then he'd explain that this is the humor of Denmark, and she understood. Now she even makes this kind of jokes

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mons388
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 27 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Dad told this joke to my brother and I, our parents have been divorced 10 years. Bro didn't appreciate it

'Here right, I was walking home from the pub last weekend and you know what I'm like when I'm drunk, singing to myself and stumbling all over the place haha. So I walked up the back road, yano the one with trees and bushes on either side of the road and I was singing away, loving life.

Then all of a sudden this figure dressed in black appeared, I couldn't really make out what it was. I got a bit closer and it ran at me, now you know I'm a hard man but it scared the life out of me! This weird looking man looked up from beneath a dark cloak thing and said 'I AM THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS' so dad goes 'awk for fuck sake, why didn't you say. I'm Marty, I married your sister.''

๐Ÿ‘︎ 43
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Porridgeandpeas
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 02 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DontFuckWithMyMoney
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I think I've taken this one to a whole new level

Dave is working at his job at the Time Travel Factory when his partner Bob comes back in his own time machine. "Come quick Dave!" he says "I just got back from the Middle Ages and have met a prince!" So Dave climbs into Bob's machine and they head to the Middle Ages.

They arrive at a castle and immediately meet the prince Bob was talking about. "Your Majesty" says Bob "Allow me to introduce my friend Dave. He works with me at the Time Traveling factory." As Dave bows, the Prince says "It is an honor to meet you my loyal subject. I am a Prince. My mother and father are Queen and King of this kingdom."

"It is even more of an honor to meet you, Your Highness" says Dave. "I have never met royalty before."

"It is indeed a rare honor for most subjects." said the prince. "Because of a strict guideline of pre-arranged marriage and inbreeding, there are only a small number of us around."

"Er...ok..." said Dave. "So tell me Prince, how vast is your kingdom."

"It is most large" said the Prince. "However my population has been dwindling lately. In recent months, I've had to behead a large number of my subjects. It fulfills my bloodlust and desire for authoritarian control by any means necessary."

Clearly uncomfortable, Dave turns to Bob and quietly says "I hate to say it, but this prince you've found is kind of a bummer."

Bob said to Dave "Well what did you expect, I told you. I have meta prince.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 23 2017
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Just came back from a trip to Switzerland and Denmark

Friend: "How were the two countries"

Me: "Well there were lots of mountains in Switzerland and basicly none in Denmark"

Friend: "So you could say your trip had ups and downs"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/OfMonsters
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 20 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Finally got to return the favor and dadjoke my dad.

I was watching Michael Collins, a movie about the Irish war of independence, when my dad walked into the room.

"Oh Michael Collins is on, when did it start?" He asked

"Around 1916" I responded

He groaned and then walked out of the room. After many years I have finally gotten him back. This is a pretty big moment for me guys.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 84
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Arcticsandwich
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 22 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Dad joke about horse bondage (sfw)

My 2 year old daughter was playing with a toy horse and wrapping a pink ribbon around it. It was starting to look like a bondage scene so I turned to my wife and said: "Look honey, 50 shades of neigh". She shook her head harder than Michael J. Fox.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ShortTemperedGeek
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 01 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Dad Joke Daily - Cheeta, Cheetah

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1xX2LYyaaaU

Michael explores the agony of the zoo and talks about the regal and elegant Cheetah...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/impulsive-ideas
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 17 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Harry Potter dad joke

My dad and sister were discussing how they watched Harry Potter the half blood prince today and my dad said,

"Well I only saw half of it so I guess it was only the quarter blood prince"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MyNameIsYourNameToo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 17 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My Easter/Moses/Passover dad joke

I stepped out of the shower and my girlfriend was watching The Prince of Egypt, an animated movie about Moses. A musical number is about to begin and she tells me, "Good, you're about to see the best part! Moses found out he's Jewish and he's in denial."

"Why'd he get back in the Nile?" I said. She gave me a confused look followed by a disappointed sigh. Her underlying hatred of me grows with every dad joke. Had to share it with you guys.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/pizzacat666
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 20 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Another dad at Michael's.

The Mrs and I were at Michaels (hobby/craft store, if you haven't heard of it) looking for things for our kid's moustache themed first birthday party.

We were having trouble finding anything, so we asked a man. He said it was scattered all across the store, so naturally, I asked him "you mean you don't have a mus-stash?"

He was so impressed, he spent about fifteen minutes and showed us everything he could think of that was mustachioed.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DjQball
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 05 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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