Mind if I say a word?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Plethora."
The widow replies: “Thanks that means a lot.”
And another:
Mind if I say a word?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Bargain."
The widow replies: “Thanks that means a great deal.”
A night
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
The Chicken Fettugenie!
"People like you make me sick!".
Because Lisa Kudrow (could row).
I just made that up yesterday at work after greeting a colleague with the same first name. Its original to me but feels obvious enough that I'm sure I'm not the first to think of it, especially after 20 years.
And then it dawned on me
Sounds like the work of a Cereal Killer.
She said "Fine... How much does it cost to acquire a church singing group?"
there’s plenty more Phish in the (C:)
Is that a Murphyn?
I should have bought asparagus.
For some reason, my daughter never comes home with her free dress...???
It gets Dhaka
Certainly Sir, said the receptionist...this is the Lobby.
Ratashootie
"I artichoke you for that"
And I said "thanks a latte."
The doctor asks, "When did this start?"
Patient replies, "Next Tuesday"
Because many hands make light work.
the doctor says I don’t follow you
I love it when food comes with instructions.
Wait.......It's a tie.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”
The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
The bartender asked "why the big pause"
The bear replies "I was born with them"
“Currently”
"You've broken your hand."
You get Ted Dancin'
A Shamonarch, if you will.
Because the P is silent
String: "I'm a frayed knot."
...it's pretty catchy.
Teacher: “So I want everyone to understand that a dead body isn’t disgusting, and we need to be able to handle it and always be observant at all times when dealing with one”
The teacher has everyone turn their body over
Teacher: “Now I want you all to stick your finger in it’s ass and hold it in there for a moment”
all of the students do as instructed, hesitant at first
Teacher: “Okay, now go ahead and pull your finger out and then put a finger in your mouth like I do”
The students getting a little disgusted by that request REALLY hesitated at first, but eventually they all did as he asked
As the teacher has all of his students with their finger in their mouth, he tells the class, “now see it’s not disgusting if you did it right...if you put your index finger in the ass, and put your middle finger in your mouth like I did, you have just passed my class”.
With minimal observance, and a dead silent room...not one student passed the pop quiz
The seal responds,"anything but a Canadian Club"
Everything he reads there is higher studies.
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
I’m gonna call it a night
Doc: “Have you had any surgeries?”
F2M: “Yes. I had appendicitis.”
Doc: “Ah. Appendectomy. How can I help you today?”
F2M: “Addadicktome.”
