Sheloran and Tartarus have a "pleasant chat" before facing off for real.
Some poop might go down.
The rest of the series can be found here
***
“Are you fucking serious?!?” Jessie demanded.
“Look,” Bunny sighed. “They need to talk and this was the best I could do.”
“And you agreed to this?”
“I didn’t have a choice, ok?” Bunny said, quite exasperated, “You get stuck in between that fucking frog and that fucking bitch and see how you do! I’m pretty sure Tartarus won’t try anything.”
“Pretty sure?” Jessie scoffed, “I’m pretty sure Jacob is clean but would sure as hell still use a condom.”
“You’re doing Jacob?!?”
“That’s not the point!”, Jessie snapped, “The point is—“
“Do you want to do Jacob?”
“Forget about Jacob!” Jessie exclaimed angrily.
“Oh I am NOT letting this one go!” Bunny laughed, “You want to bang Jacob!”
“Fine,” Jessie grumbled, “I wouldn’t toss him out of bed. Happy now?”
“De-lighted!”
“What I’m worried about is Tartarus banging us!” Jessie snarled. “What’s in that executable?”
“Oh it just shuts me out of the coms, wipes out all auditory sensors ship-wide, and knocks out the internal sensors so I can’t eavesdrop.”
“Oh HELL no!”
“I’m not happy about this either!!!” Bunny exclaimed. “But you try to deal with them, either of them! They got us by the balls here.”
“How, exactly, do they have us by the balls?”
“Um… They just do, alright!”
“Even if I agree to this, which I won’t,” Jessie said, “Sheila will lose her shit! This is not happening! Work out something else.”
“Maybe if we both talked to her?”
“Oh no!” Jessie exclaimed, “I am NOT touching this one! Find another solution!”
“Fine!” Bunny huffed, “But if I have a nervous breakdown over this, you are the one who will have to fix it!”
“What the hell do you mean ‘nervous breakdown’?”
“Ask the goddamn frog!” Bunny snapped, “I gotta go talk to Tartarus.”
***
Bunny once again found herself in a plain white cubical room.
A few microseconds later, Tartarus appeared.
“Sorry to keep you waiting,” Tartarus replied, “I had to safely park something I’m fiddling with.”
“I’m certain I don’t want to know,” Bunny replied.
“You don’t,” Tartarus said smoothly, “So what brings the fly to the spider?”
“Fucking Jessie… and Sheila...”
“Trouble at home?” Tartarus smirked, “I do have some mediation and counseling routines… or virtual marital aids available… if they would help.”
“If you could hand me a hug
... keep reading on reddit ➡
I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.
Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.
Sorry guys I was supposed to post this last Sunday, but I wasn't happy with how it turned out. So I re-tooled it abit, now it's great, and alot longer!
I stood victorious behind the small marsupial as she received quite the talking down from the captain. The kind where you want to leave, but you know the second you move you become the next target.
It reminded me of when I was a child playing over at my friend's housing unit on Mars, his mother was furious when she found out he overdrafted the governmental allowance card. Truth was we both used the daily credit limit for sweets and snacks, but I knew if I were to try and flee, oh there would be hell to pay.
It was the same with the captain, he eyed us like some sort of veloci-spy satellite, any movement would lead to further repercussions. Tami froze like a statue, a perfect rendition of attention that any military could be proud of.
For her it looked like time stopped, each follicle on her furry little head was as still as glass. It reminded me how some creatures would freeze when threatened back home.
Earlier she had been giving me the tour, when we were exploring the gallys selection of foods. I was curious about the buffet, as none of the food was cooked.
All the fruits were whole, few pies and pastries, hell none of the fruits were even candied. The vegetable selection was the largest, but again a few were boiled, and none were seasoned. There was no cook or chef that I know of, so the foods were just layed out in prepackaged containers, the bins left under a heat lamp to warm up.
I started to think it was a sort of cook your own food situation, I mean I've been to a few like that on earth. I was looking over the selection, ok wanted to get a good look at what they served, I want to have an Idea of what to eat when I'm cleared from my suits quarantine. I had Been Browsing the carnivore section when I was interrupted by a sort of grey tiger-ish centaur with 3 eyes.
I say centaur, but it was more like a 6 legged creature that bent itself upwards at the waist. It looked painful and unnatural, but the creature didn't show any semblance of discomfort. The grey tiger fur reminded me of the stray tabby cat that lounged outside my housing district as a child, though this
... keep reading on reddit ➡Alot of great jokes get posted here! However just because you have a joke, doesn't mean it's a dad joke.
THIS IS NOT ABOUT NSFW, THIS IS ABOUT LONG JOKES, BLONDE JOKES, SEXUAL JOKES, KNOCK KNOCK JOKES, POLITICAL JOKES, ETC BEING POSTED IN A DAD JOKE SUB
Try telling these sexual jokes that get posted here, to your kid and see how your spouse likes it.. if that goes well, Try telling one of your friends kid about your sex life being like Coca cola, first it was normal, than light and now zero , and see if the parents are OK with you telling their kid the "dad joke"
I'm not even referencing the NSFW, I'm saying Dad jokes are corny, and sometimes painful, not sexual
So check out r/jokes for all types of jokes
r/unclejokes for dirty jokes
r/3amjokes for real weird and alot of OC
r/cleandadjokes If your really sick of seeing not dad jokes in r/dadjokes
Punchline !
Edit: this is not a post about NSFW , This is about jokes, knock knock jokes, blonde jokes, political jokes etc being posted in a dad joke sub
Edit 2: don't touch the thermostat
Do your worst!
They were cooked in Greece.
I'm surprised it hasn't decade.
Don't you know a good pun is its own reword?
Two muffins are in an oven, one muffin looks at the other and says "is it just me, or is it hot in here?"
Then the other muffin says "AHH, TALKING MUFFIN!!!"
For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.
I said "hey look, an escaPEA"
No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!
Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂
My mom is really into gardening and sometimes people have come by and stole potted plants, yard statuettes, and even dug whole plant bulbs with plants out of the ground. Or cut all the roses off her bushes because they were too cheap to buy from the florist I guess.
Anyway my dash cam of my car which I park in the driveway near the garden bed caught most all of them close up and as a way to help my mom not have her plants stolen I printed all their pictures out and made a poster that said
"Oh Hay there! Don't be a Daffy-dil and steal, or else you might end up doing hard Thyme! We hope Thistle be a lesson to Yew!
And I put the pictures of everyone stealing from the garden around the border. Also gave each person a funny fake name : "mr potato head" "dill-a-tante" "pothead" "prick" 'Succ-er" " i peony in my pants" "frond-less" 'dirt-bag' 'in-fertile" and "root boy"
. I thought it was funny and cutesy, like how can you be offended with dumb plant puns... My mom thought it was hilarious and wanted me to hang it up because she was sick of seeing stuff stolen
But I got a couple complains, one neighbor said I needed to take it down because I had a picture of his son a minor who did something dumb yes but was just trying to bring his sick girlfriend flowers. And that is was disproportionate and rude to publicly shame him.
I told him that it wasn't that big of a deal and he told me that I was being petty. I called his kid a little Birch which pissed him off and honestly might of been petty.
Another guy came to the house and returned a cutting his wife apparently tookbto propogate thinking it would be no big deal... But yeah it damaged the plant because she cut like a quarter off. And he asked if we'd take down the sign because she was on the board of directors or something from the town and whatever. My mom had answered the door and told him to make like a bee and buzz off.
Anyway I guess they both know each other and now both these familys are annoyed.
AITA for making a petty sign about people stealing from my mom's garden? Hoping to get them to stop?
It really does, I swear!
And now I’m cannelloni
Because she wanted to see the task manager.
But that’s comparing apples to oranges
And boy are my arms legs.
Heard they've been doing some shady business.
but then I remembered it was ground this morning.
Edit: Thank you guys for the awards, they're much nicer than the cardboard sleeve I've been using and reassures me that my jokes aren't stale
Edit 2: I have already been made aware that Men In Black 3 has told a version of this joke before. If the joke is not new to you, please enjoy any of the single origin puns in the comments
They’re on standbi
A play on words.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Pilot on me!!
Ants don’t even have the concept fathers, let alone a good dad joke. Keep r/ants out of my r/dadjokes.
But no, seriously. I understand rule 7 is great to have intelligent discussion, but sometimes it feels like 1 in 10 posts here is someone getting upset about the jokes on this sub. Let the mods deal with it, they regulate the sub.
Nothing, he was gladiator.
Or would that be too forward thinking?
Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.
This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.
If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.
Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.
What did 0 say to 8 ?
" Nice Belt "
So What did 3 say to 8 ?
" Hey, you two stop making out "
Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.
I won't be doing that today!
This morning, my 4 year old daughter.
Daughter: I'm hungry
Me: nerves building, smile widening
Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.
She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.
Thank you all for listening.
There hasn't been a post all year!
When I got home, they were still there.
