I had the world’s best showerthought but it got washed down the drain. Now it’s just a pipe dream.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SettingsData
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2017
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Did you know mythological creatures have their own dentist's office?

It's true, I saw it today and they were suuuuuuper busy! The waiting room was packed, and every time the orderly would come out to call in another patient, the half-man-half-horse would get all excited; "is it my turn now? oh, pick me, pick me!" and all that jazz. Of course, every time it was actually someone else's turn; the Kraken, or the Minotaur, or the Chupacabra. Eventually it seemed to get on the Satyr's nerves, because he yelled over "pipe down, Mike, we're all sick of you needing to be the Centaur of attention!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrbadxampl
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
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I had a dream last night that I was a muffler.

I'm exhuasted.

πŸ‘︎ 253
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kodyodyo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2016
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Why was the plumber called to school?

To pipe down the noisy class

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrakeVader
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
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3 Little girls were walking along with their mother on the way home from the park

Girl 1 turned to her mother and said...

Girl 1: Mommy, why is my name Lily?

Mom: Because when we took you out of the Hospital, a Lily petal fell on your head.

The second Daughter, now curious, asks the same question...

Girl 2: Why is my name Rose?

Mom: When we took you out of the Hospital, a rose petal landed onto your head

This is when the 3rd daughter pipes up and says...

Girl 3: AAAARRRGHFFFFJJJFSSSLLLHHH

Mom: Shhhhhhh, quiet down now Cinder Block

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FrogOnACouch
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
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We’ve gotten to the root of why the toilet keeps getting clogged..

Our son put a carrot down the pipes

.. I’m sorry, total eye roller I know, just a moment of my day today and didn’t know who else would appreciate this gem

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ellaAir
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
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A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus. He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play...

One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.

The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right up and began play.

There was no doubt that the octopus was an excellent guitar player.

The man paid his handler $50 and sat down.

Another man brought a saxophone to the octopus.

The octopus took it and stared for a bit.

After a minute or two the octopus began playing a deep and soulful jazz solo.

This man paid his $50 and sat down.

The bartender went into the back and brought out a set of bag pipes.

The bartender said, β€œI’ll bet $100 that the octopus can’t play these bagpipes.”

The man agreed and handed them to the octopus.

The octopus sat there eyeing the bagpipes up and down for quite awhile.

The handler began to get nervous so he said to the octopus, β€œHurry up and start playing the thing”

The octopus spewed, β€œPlay it?! I wanna marry her!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
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The clown with the dented car

A clown was driving home and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. His clown car was covered with dents, so the next day he took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that he was a clown, so he decided to have some fun. He told the clown just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the clown went home, got down on his hands and knees and started blowing into his clown car’€™s tailpipe. Nothing happened. He blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

His roommate, another clown, came home and said, β€˜Β€ΒœWhat are you doing?’€ The first clown told him how the repairman had instructed him to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled his eyes and said’, "HEL-LOOOOOOOO "! You gotta roll up the windows!!!

https://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/the-clown-with-the-dented-car/

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
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My mom had plumbers stop at the house to fix the drain. They made so much noise!

She told em to pipe down.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
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Best joke of my life (kinda)

So at my school, we had a pipe burst.

Joke at the end of you want to skip

Now it's pretty normal in the midwest, where I live, to have this thing. It started with the fire alarm going off, because of the pressure decrease, and the school was evacuated. We were all eventually brought back, for it was cold. We sat in our gym for AN HOUR before being dismissed back to our classes.

So it's near the end of the day and I have gym class. And I'm having your normal conversation with a friend about the school's financial problems. And we were just talking about how the school is going to have to pay so much money for the new pipe and the ceiling tiles and the cleaning etc.

And then it was my moment to shine.

So the conversation is almost over and the friend says,

"It'll be a while before normal funds go back".

And I just say this:

"Yeah man, the school's money is going down the drain".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YourRoyalF0xy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2019
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My Minivan has a loud whine when I jiggle the wheel

So I'm driving down the road one day sitting next to my wife with the four kids in the back of the Minivan. I mention to my wife "Have you noticed the van has a loud whine when you jiggle the wheel?". She get's a concerned look on her face "The van is pretty new, what do you think is wrong?". I respond "No idea, maybe you can tell me where you think it's coming from".

I jiggle the wheel back and forth, the van sways and sways, and out of the back seat a voice pipes up "DAAAaaaAAadddd, stop iiitttt, I'm trying to reeeaaaadddd".

One of the best parts of being a dad are the Jokes, even if I'm clearly the only one in the family who appreciates them :D

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SSChicken
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2018
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My leaking sink is making lots of noise

So I told it to pipe down

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/confirmedpawnshop
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2018
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My dad’s version of β€œThe Night Before Christmas”

A Christmas Poem
by Dad (1952–2009)

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the shack,
Not a creature was stirring, we was all in the sack;

Our mugs were placed on the mantle with cheer,
In hope that Saint Nick would bring us a beer;

And me I was tucked up all snug in my bed,
But strains of sweet music still danced through my head;

So I sprang from my bed with a crash and a clatter,
And off down the hall with bare feet did I patter;

There on the chair sat my musical pipe,
So I sat down to play without fanfare or hype;

Come Mozart, come Hayden, Stravinski and Strauss,
And write me some music to bring down the house;

When down from the chimney appeared with a crash,
A strange little man in the smoke and the ash;

He wiggled and jumped and got up like a shot,
Came over and said, "Man those cinders are hot!";

His stomach it shook like a bowl full of jelly,
For a moment I thought it was dear old aunt Nelly;

His nose like a cherry, his ears like two jugs,
I was worried that this guy just might be on drugs;

His language was foul, his jokes they were crass,
So I opened the door and threw him out on his ass;

But then as I turned, boy was I ever surprised;
I saw what he'd bought me, or so I surmised;

For there in the corner right under the tree,
Was some brand new sheet music and a case of O.V.;

I turned to say thank-you but found he had gone,
He was not in the garden and not on the lawn;

And just when I thought that he couldn't get far,
I realized the old goat had stolen the car;

Off in the distance he said with a wheeze,
"I hated to do it but you left me the keys!";

I smiled and laughed for this much I could savour,
For I'd just sold the car to my idiot neighbour;

And once more he called as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and don't drive when you're tight!"

Thank you for everything, Dad. We love and miss you.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CannonBall7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2016
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The pied piper of tomatos...

...was playing his pipe and all the tomatos in town start to roll out of the gardens and followed the young man.

Near the edge of town, however, the tomatos started to slow down.

The young man looked back, stamped his foot and yelled β€œcatch up”!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/raymesalila
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2018
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Dadjoked at supper

My mom, dad, and I were sitting down eating supper when my dad pipes up, "You know how birds fly in a V pattern?"

My mom and I hesitantly say yeah.

He asks another question. "You know how one side is always longer than the other? Do you know why?"

Now I had read something about birds flying in patterns and I wasn't expecting a joke so I guess something about air resistance.

A grin starts to form on his face and he says "Because that side has more birds."

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigguy1027
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2014
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Numbers

I have a daughter who turns 4 next month. Tonight we were out with my dad for dinner and went back to his house after, where my daughter sat down with a dry erase book to practice making numbers. She drew a scraggly 7, a rough 8, then began making a 10. I told her she forgot the 9. Without missing a beat my dad pipes in "that's because 7 8 9!".

I walked right into it.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cfrutiger
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2013
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Hoedown

My sister was talking about going to a dance. A hoedown, to be exact. So my dad pipes up, "I think they prefer to be called loose-woman-downs."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DuncanJJewell
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2013
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