Yesterday, I purchased some boots off a drug dealer…
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day!
Just happened, proud of myself: just had a quick office zoom meeting with a lot of people. As each person popped on zoom made that “DING DONG” sound. One of my bosses said “anyone that can figure out how to make Zoom stop doing that is gonna get a prize.”
I said “are you gonna give them the No-Bell prize?”
I HAVE WON THE DAY
The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.
To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
A new study finds that regardless whether a pregnant woman contracts Covid-19...
Their sisters develop auntie-bodies
After contracting Covid19 there was only one option for Santa
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer. I'm always drained, and just not physically up to it..
..so I've just handed in my too weak notice.
Today I found out that Albert Einstein was a real person.
And I thought he was a theoretical physicist
I started saving some money for purchasing shrubs to line the front lawn
it's also known as a hedge fund.
I recently purchased a set of plate mail armour.
I'm afraid to wear it though, as I'm afraid it might make me look middle-aged.
What do you always find in a contract that is made on Christmas day?
Imagine being a fisherman then seeing a person in a carp
Why couldn’t the cantaloupe purchase a firearm?
Because he was a convicted melon
Blind Girl Here. Give Me Your Best Blind Jokes!
Did you hear about the person that never finishes their jokes?
To the person who stole my Microsoft office subscription I will find you
Over half the deer in Michigan have contracted covid.
More proof that not only has this disease cost a few bucks, but also a lot of doe.
What did the first person to put leaves on water say?
What did Sir Patrick Stewart say to his sewing machine repair person?
Why is a janitor the worst person to fight?
They'd mop the floor with you.
Purchased a Volvo on eBay this afternoon that used to belong to Neil Diamond.
To the person who stole my place in the queue
It keeps your fan from being used by unauthorized persons.
What did 0 say to 8 ?
What did 0 say to 8 ?
" Nice Belt "
So What did 3 say to 8 ?
" Hey, you two stop making out "
How would I warn a person who's about to be stung by a bee?
When a short person waves at you
Han Solo should have been played by a little person
Then he would have been so low.
To the person who invented 0
Did you hear about the Spanish vampire with multiple personality disorder?
They’re called Nosotrosferatu.
Ughh..shut up and bill my purchase...
What item of clothing does an asthmatic person hate the most?
A full year after being purchased, the defibrillator in our office was still in its original packaging
What do you call an always talking person?
What's a person with a foot fetish favorite chips?
I asked my daughter, "If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?" Rolling her eyes, she said, "I give up. What?"
"Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder!"
I was literally the only person at the cinema last night wearing a mask watching spider-man. I felt like such and idiot.
One guy even came over to me and said "oi mate! Can you even see in that thing"
"Using three words," said my personal trainer, "how would you define your body?"
I have not met a single person...
To the person who stole my antidepressants:
What do you call a chinese person who spilled tea on their legs?
What did one person at the Solstice party say to another?
It's going to be a long night.
Person 1: I have some ants. Person 2: Well I have taller ants. Person 1: I have some glue. Person 2: Well I have a tin of glue. Person 1: I have some bread.
Person 2: Well I can't handle bread with my
glue-tin-and-taller-ants.
This joke brought to you by my friend's 10 year old son.
Did you hear about the policeman who caught a person who stole batteries and one who stole fireworks?
He charged one and let the other one off.
I just found out Albert Einstein is a real person.
I was told that he was a Theoretical Physicist.
I quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights were too heavy
I just handed in my too weak notice
I just found out Albert Einstein was a real person
All this time I thought he was a theoretical physicist.
To the person that stole my Microsoft Office. I will find you!
I just found out Albert Einstein was a real person!
All this time I thought he was a theoretical physicist!
I only recently found out that Albert Einstein was a real person…
All this time I thought he was just a theoretical physicist
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