A Christmas stalking.
He told us his little son (1 year old) had a great big poo in his toybox and there's shit all over the abacus.
"Bet you didn't count on that!" said I, proudly!
Me: How did you do on the muscles and bones test?
Son: I mixed up the cranium and the skull.
Me: That was a boneheaded mistake.
Son: (Sarcastic) Ha ha.
I guess he didn't find my joke humerus.
We were both pretty tired since we woke up at 3AM. When we get to our seats, I pulled out my e-reader. My wife looks at me and says "How can you read?"
"Well, I guess I would have to thank my parents for teaching me when I was a kid..."
Last night my two year old says to me "Daddy, my toe hurts"
"That's too bad buddy," I reply. "Do you want me to call a tow truck for you?"
Then I laughed like a goon while my wife made a disgusted face at me.
In conversation with friends she said.
"My grandpa died of lung cancer and he didn't smoke a day in his life."
"Of course not, he smoked cigarettes."
Eye roll "no, he worked in the mines."
"That's why they don't sell cigarettes to miners."
Groan "you see what I have to put up with."
It's a fitting room.
My wife and I were visiting Bass Pro Shop today and I noticed there were some ducks in the pond outside of the building. I pointed them out to my wife who, upon noticing them bobbing up and down in the water, asked me what they were doing. Without missing a beat I replied "They're Ducking."
Last night while we were out running errands, we drove by this place that had a bunch of little storage sheds on display outside. Right next to this business was a karate school.
My wife says, "Why would the karate school have all of those sheds in front of it?"
I respond, "Honey, those sheds are square. If they belonged to the karate school, they would be round-houses."
I came home from work the other night and as I walk in Better Man by Pearl Jam is on the stereo, and my wife is setting out a nice juicy steak for me.
I looked her right in the eye's and told her truthfully that "It doesn't get Eddie Veder than this"
She punched my shoulder...
She just bought a condo, and texted me that the freezer already stopped working. I responded back to her, "That's not cool".
While chewing something particularly chewy I thought of something I needed to ask my wife. The following conversation ensued:
Me: Drrd ooo rmmbrr oo ak oww drr trrsh?
Wife: What the hell did you just say?
Me: Muffled sigh Chewing Chewing Chewing Hold up index finger to indicate almost done Chewing I said, 'Drrd ooo rmmbrr oo ak oww drr trrsh?'
Wife: Loses will to live.
Brother: I made a belt out of a bunch of watches. Me: That must have cost a fortune. Brother: No, but it turned out to be a waist of time. It might be an old joke but I fell for it and set him up perfectly.
She was writing an email back to her father who has a tendency to be vague.
Wife: "You know,communication is really a lost art. I'd say I'm a good judge of that."
Me: "I guess that makes you a rater of a lost art."
Groans
My youngest sister's birthday party was the other day, and a couple of her gifts were two books from the "Divergent" series. So my Grandmother asked her "What are all the books called?"
Sister: "Well, there's Divergent, Insurgent, Allegiant..."
Fiancee: "Detergent..."
Dad: "No, that's the clean version."
Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.
Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.
Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.
The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.
Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.
Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.
One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.
Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.
“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.
The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.
“Yes of course” replied Trevor
... keep reading on reddit ➡I went to the grocery store, and the change was $5.02, so on my ride home, I perfected the ultimate plan for a dad who loves dad jokes...
Me: Oh, here's the change *hands 5.00 bill*
Dad: You can set the groceries on the counter
Me: Oh by the way, do you want my two cents on the groceries?
Dad: *confused look* o...kay?
Me: *hands receipt and two pennies*
It took a minute for him to realize but everyone got a good laugh out of it.
The insect police force was tracking one of these malaria-mosquitos, when the mosquito fled to a farm. First, she tried to hide in the house, until the farmer chased her away with a newspaper. She tried to hide in the barn with the horses, but the barn cat took a few swipes at the mosquito, and chased it from the barn.
Finally, the mosquito set eyes on sheep in the pasture.she decided all that thick wool would be the perfect place to hide from the insect police force.
The police force arrived shortly after. They first went to the house. No mosquito. They searched the horses. No mosquito. Finally, they got to the pasture with the sheep. After searching and searching, they could not find where the mosquito had hidden.
The mosquito was on the lamb.
Me and this girl I'm seeing were walking around the mall and we decided to go to Hot Topic to kill time. Walking around we saw some car fresheners with band logos on them and my gf picks one up and says "hmm I wonder what Nirvana smells like?"
Without hesitation I answer "Teen Spirit"
It was the most perfect joke set up ever and I don't think I'll ever top it. It was my magnum opus. I don't think she appreciated it as much as I did.
With all of this Ebola talk going around, it's a perfect set up!
"I hope I don't get Ebola!"
"A-bowl-a what??"
**works anytime someone says Ebola
I work at a workout shop called Sweat. It's bit of a janky chain store. Soon, after I started working there, I start dating a super cute kelpto who has too much fun stealing. Other than that she's perfect. Winter rolls around and she gets bored.
GF wants to rob my work.
It's like -10° out.
Stores closed so they don't have the heat on but, I have a set of keys. We get into an argument about it. She tells me to help her steal at least one thing from the freezing store or she'll split up with me.
So, this set were mine, ended up in webcomic form. Also, new dad, so I qualify.
Follow the link in my name below the webcomic if you want to read a very short story I wrote which received the reviews:
>This is the most intricately set up pun I have ever heard.
and
>This is absolutely hilarious. I have to fav this. Seriously, you handled the build-up and reveal perfectly.
I approached my father, who was obviously preparing for a ride on his clearly dad-bike, by strapping a lunchbox full of granola bars to the frame, and spoke the words that perfectly set myself up for a dad-joke attack. I asked, "Going for a bike ride?" Boom. Total mistake. "Nope, just taking it for a walk. "
He told us his little son (1 year old) had a great big poo in his toybox and there's shit all over the abacus.
"Bet you didn't count on that!" said I, proudly!
