What is the smelliest kind of ox?
NBA players like to tell stories about Paul Bunyan.
They're really into tall tales.
Two boats full of red and blue paint crashed in the indian ocean today
All of the crew are marooned
What's the difference between a dishwasher in a sports BBQ and a blue whale?
One cleans the grill, the other gleans the krill.
What's blue and not very heavy?
Recently moved to a new place and position for my job. Boss on the first day said "Hey Paul glad you made it, how you liking your new office?"
I said "I think you forgot my name, but I'm a Justin Well, thanks."
The Beatles once recorded a song about a blue underwater vehicle.
Wife: Babe you keep putting the remote in random places...
Me: Correction, I keep putting the remote in "remote" places. That's where it belongs right?
I got a eye roll and a sigh, score.
Bill and Melinda Gates got divorced. Melinda got the house...
But Bill kept the Windows
What is blue and doesn't fit?
You come to the end of the road. North of you is the red house, west is the green house, east is the blue house. Where is the white house?
Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!
Why did the fan say no to Paul McCartney’s marriage proposal?
Because it could only oscillate horizontally
What's blue and cries?
Baby blue
(Anna, age 10, after I told her "What's blue and not very heavy?" "Light blue")
I bought a record at the charity shop the other day, "Sounds That Wasps Make". I took it home and it sounded nothing like Wasps.
That's when I realised I was playing the Bee side.
Why did the farmer mistakenly work extra hard to keep barley and wheat away from his prized ox?
The vet had recently diagnosed him with silly yak disease.
My wife called me at work and said “it’s time, the baby is coming”
I said that’s impossible, Labor Day is in September!
(New dad of a 3 week old, trying to step into my new role)
Why did the fireman wear red, white, and blue suspenders?
What is blue and not heavy?
Light blue
Edit: Thank you fellow internet strangers for all the awards!
What do you call a buffalo that's pink, blue and purple?
The red ship collided with a blue ship!
The crews got marooned...
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws, and a comma’s a pause at the end of a clause.
my grandfather said this today on the dinner table and i was the only one that found it hilarious for no reason at all
G : what type of apples grow on trees ?
my dumbass : idk red and green ?
G : all of them do
wheezes
There's so many bad puns on this sub' it's making me just feel numb, and don't talk about the math ones..
..they make me feel even number.
The Fast and The Furious 10 title should be dedicated to Paul Walker
From my 5-year-old son: "Hey"
True story; it even happened last night. My 5-year-old son walks up behind me and out of the blue says, "hey."
I turn to him and say, "yeah, kiddo? What's up?"
He responds, "it's dead grass."
I'm really confused and trying to figure out what's wrong and what he wants from me. "What? There's dead grass? What's wrong with that?"
.
.
.
He says, totally straight-faced, "hay is dead grass," and runs off.
What’s the difference between Taxes and Texas?
Taxes can keep your electrical grid operational.
My grandfather just walked into the room with a guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I said, “Who is this guy?”
My grandfather: That’s my hip replacement.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
My wife spent years perfecting blue box macaroni and cheese.
It took a long time, but she finally honed her Kraft.
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?"
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"
"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.
"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
Wife says I won’t get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?
They had a long conversation about bark.
Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❤️
My friend was leading his wild, shaggy-haired ox thru the mountains of central Asia when it projectile vomited all over his feet!
A duck wants into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist: “I’d like some chapstick”
The pharmacist says “but you’re a duck, how are you going to pay for that?”
The duck says “it’s fine, just put it on my bill”
What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?
They are both Paris sites
I went to a job interview today and the interviewer asked me "what is your greatest weakness?". I said "I am too honest"
He said "I don't think that's a weakness"
"Well I don't give a f* what you think"
What's blue and doesn't weigh much?
What's blue and not heavy?
Whats blue and not heavy?
What's blue and smells like red paint?
What’s red and smells like blue paint?
What’s red and smells like blue paint?
What looks like red paint and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
Dont hate me its cakeday
What's blue and tastes like red paint?
What's blue and doesn't weigh very much?
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