Pack Your Bags Puns

Wife: That’s wonderful, honey! Where are we going?

Husband: “We’re” not going anywhere.

She replies, "Honestly? I would take my half and leave you."

"Great!" says the man, and hands her $10. "Here's your half. Now pack your bags."

Dad: Hey adopted I’m not your dad

when I asked a guy “do you want your milk in the bag”

He said “in carton is fine”

I got irritated at his joke and packed his milk in a bag

But the bag broke and the guy got mad and started complaining

I said “oh don’t cry over spilled milk”

Son: "Wow really? I'd never have guessed!".

Dad: "Im glad you're taking this so well".

Son: "Well I did have my suspicions".

Dad: "yes yes, anyway go pack your bags, your new parents will be here in 10 minutes".

To his surprise, when he scratched it off he had won a million dollars. The man picked up his phone right away to call his wife.

Man: “Honey, I won the lottery! Pack your bags!”

Wife: “That’s amazing! I’m so excited where are we going?!”

Man: “I don’t know where you’re going, but be out by 5!”

“Your obsession with cats is totally out of control, so I've packed your bags." I think she's kicking meeeowt.

OK... so did you ever notice how every time you spend 4 days alone in the woods and you make it out without a scratch or even a mosquito bite, and you're feeling all peaceful and relaxed and at one with the universe, you're not home 20 minutes and unloading the back of your truck when you slam your right shin into the trailer hitch... and amid the flashing white stars around you, your fists clench, your teeth grit, your body tenses and every "mean, nasty and ugly" word you ever read, heard, uttered or even imagined ("Wait... is #*&%#@!!! even a word??? Oh what the heck? It works!") goes tearing through your brain.... and eventually it passes and you keep working, surprised you're not even limping and it doesn't hurt more than it does... and almost an hour later, when you're finished and getting undressed to take your first hot shower in days, you see a lump on your shin the size of Rhode Island... and the first image that pops into your head is John Merrick yelling "I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!!!... in fact, it literally looks like a second knee on your right leg... so you spend the rest of the evening keeping it elevated and icing it on and off, alternating between a blue gel pack and a bag of frozen peas.... and when you go to bed, you keep the gel pack on while you read and then take it off before you go to sleep... and then you wake up around 3AM and decide to check your shin and the swelling has gone down quite a bit... but since you still have several hours before you get up, you decide to ice it again... but the gel pack on the floor is no longer cold so you get up, walk to the kitchen and open the fridge... and after taking a bite of leftover pizza from last night (because... well, you're here and what the heck?), you go into the freezer, grab the bag of frozen peas and take them back to bed with you... but they're all frozen into one big solid ball and well, that won't do... so you lay the bag on the bed to pound it once or twice to break them up, but instead the bag bursts open and suddenly there are frozen peas sprayed all over the bed and rolling onto the floor... and all those words from yesterday come rushing back into your head as you kneel to gather them all up... but suddenly your anger completely vanishes and you can't help laughing to yourself as you think, "gee, I can't remember the last time I pea'd the bed in the middle of the night"???

I was helping my daughter pack her car today, getting ready to leave tomorrow morning. She had a set of plastic stacking drawers wedged into her car, but in getting it there, it had come apart some, so we had to take it out to tape it together better. There was a black plastic bag leaning against it, and in all the wriggling, the drawers tore a small hole in the plastic bag. After taping the drawers, I noticed a small piece of the black plastic stuck to the drawers. I took it off and tried to give it to my daughter, saying, "Here's your hole," but of course she didn't want it, so I put it (you see this coming already, don't you?) in my pocket, and said, "Now I have a hole in my pocket." Her eye-roll was hilarious.

(Does anyone else remember a similar bit from the "Yellow Submarine" movie?)

Sorry for the wierd grammar, it's directly translated from Swedish. While having a conversation on whatsapp. Me: I need to pack in the first hand. Dad: Okay, but wouldn't it be better to pack in your bag?

Coworker 1: So, do you have all your bags packed for your flight tomorrow?

Coworker 2: Oh I'm just bringing a carry-on.

Me: Why would you want to bring a dead animal into a plane?