What’d the wife alpaca say to the husband alpaca, when he said, β€œit’s cold out?”

Alpaca coat, love.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OnceIwasAboy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2022
🚨︎ report
This morning, after a long night of binging, I got out of bed and looked in the mirror. I saw my haggard, worn-out body and overcome with emotion I realised that for the sake of my family I had to quit cold turkey.

I'm going vegan today.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
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Which brand of clothing should you wear when it's cold out?

Kelvin Klein

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iCr4ck3d
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
🚨︎ report
A customer ordered a foot long cold cut trio and I completely zoned out and accidentally made him a 6" meatball.

Whoops, wrong sub.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zamundan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Looking out the window during this cold snap got me like...

Dang, it's hoth out there.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/metal_jester
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
🚨︎ report
It was so cold outside yesterday, that we took a man into our home, out of the kindness of our hearts...

We felt so sorry for him because the poor guy was completely covered in snow, but this morning, he had just vanished!

Not a word, not even a goodbye or a thank you for sheltering him!

The last straw was when I realized he had peed all over the living room floor!

That's the thanks we get for being good to people?!

I'm warning all of you to watch out for this man!

He is a heavy set, white guy, wearing nothing but a scarf.

He has a nose that looks like a carrot, two black eyes, and his arms are so skinny, they look like sticks.

Whatever you do, don't bring him into your house!

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2017
🚨︎ report
Just found out I have a cold and the stomach flu.

I’ve got the Friday Night Blights

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phransisco
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
🚨︎ report
It was so cold that I slipped on the frozen newspaper on my way out the door this morning.

I must have fallen on hard Times.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
🚨︎ report
It's so cold out today...

I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SwingWithTheTeam
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
🚨︎ report
That was really cold-blooded of Mark Zuckerberg to give out user data.

Time to get rid of lizard on our walls.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordOfTheDarkSide
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2018
🚨︎ report
It's - 30 degrees Celsius outside, the door is open and someone knocks Steve outside... I guess you could say that he was knocked out cold.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAhegaoMaster
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2017
🚨︎ report
When I was upset as a child, my Dad would always walk in my room, say this with a stone cold face, and then walk out.

Dad: Son I know you're upset. Know what my grandfather used to tell me when I was feeling this down?

Me: sniff What, Dad?

Dad: He would tell me, "Sonny, you stay here, I'm going upstairs to fuck your grandma."

....he also tells my friends this when they come over upset.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zach50295
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2013
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It's been too cold to venture out the past few days. I'm not sure if cabin fever is setting in, or if dad's sense of humor has always been this lame.

We were all sitting there watching an Animal Planet special on bird migration (not by choice, the remote died), and after a few minutes apparent contemplation dad let this one loose on us.

"Did you hear about the ornithologist whose expedition was cancelled due to a severe snow storm?

I guess you could say things took an arctic tern for the worst!"

I think I may be booking a seat on the soonest ice floe out of this burg just to get away.

Oh no, he's got me doing it! It's spreading - run, save yourselves!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/barthm1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2015
🚨︎ report
A friend asked me to help him rob the soda factory, but he didn't have much of a plan.

He wanted me to be his Coke-conspirator.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lusciouscactus
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2023
🚨︎ report
I got this one off the top of my head and it's hilarious.

I went on a car ride with my family not that long ago and my 8 year old sister saw a fridge in the woods next to us. She said, 'whats that fridge doing there?' and I went, without thinking, 'it's bear chills.'

Needless to say, I'm the favourite child.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RitmoBeats
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2023
🚨︎ report
Friend had a unique idea for Christmas gift
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tokke552
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2022
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The wurst kind of bologna
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2023
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why was the smart scientist cold?

Because he was out standing in his field!

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Checks_Out___
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2022
🚨︎ report
The hunchback of Notre Dame

It was a severe winter, and this particular night was bitterly cold. There was a loud knocking at the door which was opened to find Quasimodo shivering.

He was brought in, fed warm food and given a warm place to sleep. The next morning, at breakfast, Quasimodo very diffidently approached the Archbishop to thank him for sheltering him.

"Your Grace," he added, "please give me some work to do so I can earn my keep. I am very good at bell ringing."

"My son," replied the Archbishop, "that is indeed fortuitous timing, as our campanologist is leaving on a pilgrimage to Lourdes. I am wondering, though, with your gnarled hands, if you will not have some difficulty ringing the bells."

"Your Grace, I do not use my hands," Quasimodo explained. "Allow me to demonstrate."

They all went to the belfry, shooed away the bats, and Quasimodo started to ring the bells - with his head.

Everyone was impressed and he got the job. He would ring the bells every day at the appointed time.

For Christmas, he decided to play a symphony as a way to thank everyone. He played so beautifully that everyone was moved to tears.

For the grand finale, he decided to end with a crescendo, so as the last chimes were ringing out on the other nine bells, he drew back to the end of the belfry, ran to the tenth bell and took a flying leap at the bell.

And missed.

He couldn't stop himself, and flew straight out of the belfry to go splat on the pavement below, dead.

People gathered, the gendarmes were summoned, and they started asking if anyone knew who this poor fellow was.

Someone around spoke up, "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."

(to be continued)

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlisonLiterally
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2023
🚨︎ report
Dear NASA,

Your mom thought I was big enough.

Signed,

Pluto

πŸ‘︎ 99
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LilShaver
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2022
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Two Canadians die and end up in Hel

I stole this:

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing.

Confused, he asks them why they're happy.
They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to turn the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.

"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"

Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.

He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement. He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"

They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"

πŸ‘︎ 158
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DMGlowen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2022
🚨︎ report
What’s the difference between a Snow Man and a Snow Woman?

Snow Balls

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PatrickMcC
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2022
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Afghanistan may be a difficult country to live in, but people in Iran have it worse.

They are caught between….Iraq and a hard place.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2022
🚨︎ report
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh Sheet.

πŸ‘︎ 262
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hoopdihoop
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2022
🚨︎ report
150 Elephant Jokes

This is a compilation from the internet, and a few I made or heard myself. Hope you laugh!

^((Elephant Jokes were a thing from the 1960s. You can read about them on Wikipedia.))

^((Each section should be read all at once, in order. Some sections also reference previous sections. ))

Mouse

Q: Why did the elephant run from the mouse?

A: Because it had a bazooka.

Q: Why did the mouse chase the elephant?

A: To steal the bazooka.

Toenails

Q: Why did the elephant paint its toenails red?

A: So it could hide in a cherry tree.

Q: Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

A: Works, doesn't it?

Q: How can you tell if an elephant is hiding in a cherry tree?

A: Tickle the cherries and see if they laugh.

Q: What's the loudest sound in the jungle?

A: A giraffe eating cherries.

Q: How can you tell if there have been elephants in your fridge?

A: There are footprints in the custard.

Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails yellow?

A: That's not paint, it's custard.

Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red, blue, green, orange, yellow, and brown?

A: So they can hide in a bag of M&Ms.

Q: How did the mouse break his back?

A: He tried to carry a bag of M&Ms home from the store.

Oak Trees

Q: How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?

A: Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.

Q: What if you don't want to wait fifty years?

A: Parachute him from an airplane.

Q: Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 1 and 2 in the afternoon?

A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.

Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the oak tree?

A: Because it was dead.

Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the oak tree?

A: It was glued to the first one.

Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the oak tree?

A: It thought it was a game.

Q: And why did the oak tree fall down?

A: It thought it was an elephant.

Q: Why is it dangerous to walk in the forest between 3 and 4 in the afternoon?

A: That's when the elephants fall out of the oak trees.

Q: What is a furry alligator?

A: A bear that crossed the woods at 3:30 in the afternoon.

Under the Bed

Q: How can you tell if there’s an elephant under your bed?

A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Q: How can you tell if there's an elephant in your bed?

A: He has a big 'E' on hi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2023
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My chameleon stopped changing colors

Turns out it had A Reptile Disfunction

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hinojoe
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2022
🚨︎ report
A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. β€œI’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. β€œSorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. β€œYou’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. β€œWe don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. β€œWhy not?” one yogurt asks. β€œWe’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, β€œWhat are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, β€œIt’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, β€œWhat’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, β€œArrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, β€œI don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbersβ€”some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bugasum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
🚨︎ report
Pun(ctuation) joke

There’s a man sitting at a bar when in walks a comma and an exclamation point. They walk over to a table and the comma pulls out the chair for the exclamation point. The man watches them all night and the whole night the comma is getting anything the exclamation point desires from drinks to food to his jacket when the exclamation mark gets cold. Finally a few hours later they leave and the man turns to the bar tender and says β€œwow he sure was accommodating”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ametrine99
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2022
🚨︎ report
Someone once asked me why I worked in the cremation department of the funeral home.

Offended, I replied that I would work anywhere to urn a living

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatFolk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2022
🚨︎ report
My wife was struggling because the packs of frozen turkey kept falling out of the freezer onto the floor. β€œMakes sense, I guess,” I said. β€œWhy’s that?”, she asked, walking straight into it.

β€œWell, they’re… ground meat.”

(True story…)

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jofish22
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2022
🚨︎ report
I'm making a TV series about different parts of my gas heater.

I've already filmed the pilot.

πŸ‘︎ 171
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tobias_drundridge
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
🚨︎ report
Takoda is just named chief of the northern Nyuktuk Tribe

One of the natives asks him if it's going to be a cold winter. Takoda, being a new chief, doesn't know the tricks of determining the weather from the animals, clouds, trees, etc. but he also doesn't want to look naive so he says "yes I think it's going to be cold, so gather some wood." The townspeople thus head out to get wood.

When all the townspeople leave, the chief calls the weather station and asks if it's going to be a cold winter in Nyuktuk. The guy at the weather office says "hold on a second." He comes back and says "yes it appears like it will be a cold winter."

When the townspeople come back Takoda says to them "it's going to be a colder weather than I first thought. Go gather more wood."

So the townspeople head out to get more wood. But the chief is still not sure. So he calls back the weather station and asks if they are sure. The weatherman says "one second" then comes back on and says "it's definitely going to be a cold winter." So when the townspeople return, Chief Takoda tells them to go out and gather all the wood they can find.

But after they all the townspeople leave, the chief is still not sold. So he calls the weather station and asks if they are sure it's going to be cold in Nyuktuk. The weatherman says that not only will it be cold but it likely will be one of the coldest winters on record. "But how do you know?" the chief asks. The weatherman says "because the Indians are gathering wood like crazy."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Budget-Pay3743
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2022
🚨︎ report
Why did the man check himself into rehab the day after Thanksgiving?

As it turns out, he just couldn’t quit cold turkey.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProfPacific
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2022
🚨︎ report
If you ever get locked out of your house

Don't panic. Talk to your lock calmly. Because communication is the key.

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/avadhut1
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2022
🚨︎ report
Daughter told me this one... Why did the girl bring toilet paper to the party?

Because she was a party pooper.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Olaffubbuffalo
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2022
🚨︎ report
I do all of my washing in Tide...

Because it's just too darn cold out-Tide!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2022
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Knock knock

Who's there? Wendy. Wendy who? When do you think you're gonna open the door? It's cold out here

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/royaj77
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2022
🚨︎ report
When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, "If you're ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it."

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flurries, I saw the headlights of a plow truck in my rearview mirror. Thanking my lucky stars, I turned in and followed the truck, hopeful that it would lead me back somewhere I recognized.

I followed that truck for what felt like hours. He turned left, I'd turn left. He'd swing to the right, and I was right on his tail. After a while, I saw brake lights from the plow, followed by four-way flashers. The plow had stopped, and I saw the driver get out and approach my car. I rolled down the window to talk to him.

"Why are you following me, kid?" the plow driver asked.

"Well sir, my dad told me if I was ever lost in a snowstorm, I should wait for a plow truck and then follow it."

"Well," said the plow driver. "I just finished clearing the Target parking lot. Want to follow me over to Best Buy??"

πŸ‘︎ 417
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ok_Fun_1974
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2022
🚨︎ report
Did you hear that one joke the comedian in Antarctica told?

Me neither, guess he should try yelling it louder next time.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mkaic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2022
🚨︎ report
Father's Gift: And on-going saga (not a Dad joke, per se - sorry)

Didn't know where to post this; but since it's Father's Day, I wanted to tell you all about a little family tradition that started because Dad, is Dad.

18 years ago (Not about, trust me, I know this one to the date) I was over Dad's house and I needed a wrench, and coming from a long line of mechanics, I knew he's have one available as I didn't have my kit in my car, so I asked to borrow one.

Dad of course said yes, handed me the mechanic's tool box, and just out of habit, I opened it and immediately noticed that a Craftman's 7/16, ratchet-end wrench was missing.

Again, I come from a LONG line of mechanics; every tool has its place, be it in a drawer, box or outlined on a peg board, and I thought it was weird that Dad lost a wrench out of the spare / house tool kit.

"You're missing a 7/16." I pointed out, showing him the missing slot.

Now Dad, being Dad, just had to bust on me a bit, so looking me dead in the eyes and beaming a huge smile he responded: "It was there when I gave it to you."

Mind you, I hadn't left the kitchen. I hadn't so much as shifted my FEET. I knew he was lying, he knew he was lying, but it had been ingrained in me since childhood that losing a tool is a death sentence.

Now, I knew he was busting my balls and I let it go; but from that day forward, anytime we needed something, he'd make a comment like "Sure wish I had that 7/16th wrench that Coyote lost." or "You know what would fix it? That missing 7/16th wrench."

This went on for MONTHS. So one day, he made the usual "tease me for losing a tool" comment and I warned him. I looked him in the eyes and said:

"Say it ONE more time old man, and you're going to get that wrench every Birthday, Father's Day and Christmas for the rest of your natural life."

Few hours passed, I asked him to hand me a tool and he said: "I can't you lost it, remember?"

I laughed, and played it off -but it was on...and that was 18 years ago.

Today, being Father's day, he just received his 52nd craftsman's ratchet-end, 7/16th wrench.

Since that day, he's tried telling me that he knows that I didn't lose it, (I knew that already) that I don't need to buy it (Oh, I fucking DO.), and he's occasionally tried to say it was a different size or item to get a different present, but we both know that's not happening.

They're everywhere. Every coffee can, junk drawer, cabinet, tool box, peg board or spare nail in the house and garage contains a Craftsman's 7/16 ratchet end wrench. You know how they say you'r

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UncleCoyote
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2022
🚨︎ report
I have started freezing different objects at -273.15Β°c and blowing them up. Seeing with items reacted differently.

I call it the 0k boomer experiment.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Mike Tyson, Alan Jackson, and Jimmy Buffett are releasing a new product just in time for these hot summer days we are having!

Have you ever been drinking an ice cold beer only to notice the frigid feeling in your thumb?! Look no further and see these new sweaters we have designed to combat the issue! Introducing…..

5 O’clock thumb wear!

I’ll see myself out.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/V6A6P6E
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2022
🚨︎ report
I bought my wife a fridge for her birthday

I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scottishsteel
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2022
🚨︎ report
How do you make holy water?

>!You boil the hell out of it !<

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ztaker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2022
🚨︎ report
I’m the dad now

watching a show where character pulls peanuts out of the fridge

Me: why were his nuts in the fridge

Husband: you don’t put your nuts in the fridge?

Me: you put yours in the fridge? Why, so you can…crack open a cold one?

And with that joke i became the dad

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/please_eatmyscarf
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2022
🚨︎ report

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