A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " ..
.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Jan 22 2021
One impeachment is bad, but two impeachments
Thatβs just unpresidented
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Jan 13 2021
Two Deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says
βI canβt believe I blew 40 bucks in thereβ
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Feb 02 2021
Two wind turbines are standing in a wind farm..one turns to the other and says βwhatβs your favorite kind of music?β
He replied βIβm a big metal fan!β
π︎ 95
π
︎ Mar 03 2021
My wife was trying decide between sweep rowing [4 or 8 rowers, one oar each] and sculling [one rower, two oars].
I told her she had to choose one oar the other.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Mar 08 2021
One day, two peanuts were walking down the street.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 03 2021
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face".
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Sep 22 2020
I have only two new years resolutions this year. One: get back to the weight I was before the accident.
Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'
π︎ 94
π
︎ Jan 03 2021
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other
βDo you know how to drive this thing?β
π︎ 33
π
︎ Jan 21 2021
Two bees are drinking at a bar, a couple aproaches them, one of the bees says "Get away, you scumbags!" The other says:
"I'm sorry for what my friend said, I would like to a-pollen-gise"
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 26 2021
Almost as good as: One impeachment is bad. But two impeachments...
https://preview.redd.it/falrg08lsib61.jpg?width=955&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=ac42317a8818d67010ef24fcacbf368691df6f20
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 15 2021
My wife showed me two quilts and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, βI refuse to make blanket statements.β
π︎ 29
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
Two atoms walk into a bar, one says to the other βDang, I left my electrons in the car.β The other replies, βAre you sure?β
βYa, Iβm positive.β
π︎ 173
π
︎ Nov 28 2020
Two snowmen in a field... One says to the other...
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 10 2021
Thereβs two morons on a boat. One of the morons is larger. The larger moron falls off. Why?
The little one was a little more on.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jan 21 2021
Two cats are having a swimming race. One is called βOne Two Threeβ, the other βUn Deux Troisβ. Which cat won?
βOne Two Threeβ because βUn Deux Troisβ cat sank.
π︎ 209
π
︎ Oct 16 2020
Two peanuts from the country went to the city, and one was asalted
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 28 2020
I got two cookies in one bag at the Chinese restaurant...
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 12 2021
One bucket, two bucketth, three bucketth, four bucketth...
Sorry, itβs my bucket lisp
π︎ 24
π
︎ Dec 01 2020
two cannibals are eating a clown, when one says to the other...
"does this taste funny to you?"
π︎ 19
π
︎ Nov 20 2020
So there's two fish in a tank, one says ...
π︎ 18
π
︎ Oct 31 2020
There's a rumour going around about two waves racing to the beach. Can you guess which one won?
π︎ 13
π
︎ Dec 17 2020
Two burglars are robbing a liquor store. One turns to the other and asks "Is this whiskey" ?
The other replies, "Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank"
π︎ 210
π
︎ Sep 27 2020
A guy got two dogs and named them One and Two. One has unfortunately escaped.
But it's ok, he still has Two left.
(Thanks for the joke, dad).
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 17 2020
Jeweler said I could buy two crucifixes for the price of one.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 18 2020
My dad always use to say βTwo heads are better than one.'
A wonderful father.
Terrible surgeon.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jun 21 2020
The other day I was on the dock talking to two of my neighborsβ¦ One of them had a cooler full of beers and snacksβ¦ Pulling out a beer pops the top and opening a bag of chips, he says βMy wifeβs an angel
I said, βyouβre lucky β mine is still aliveβ¦β
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 21 2020
Two books meet in a Library. One says ' You don't look too well ' and the other replies..
... Just had my Appendix removed.
π︎ 612
π
︎ May 30 2020
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, βIf you cross this, Iβll hit you in the face.β
/r/Jokes/comments/jx9abu/β¦
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 19 2020
Two butts are walking down the street and one farts
- "You took words right out of my mouth" says the other
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 20 2020
Two monsters were at a party having a good time when one of them noticed a lady monster rolled her eyes at them. The monster asked his monster friend "what should I do?"
The other other monster replied "be a gentleman, roll them back to her."
π︎ 12
π
︎ Nov 02 2020
Two chinese Christians are having a contest to see who can contact God the fastest. After one wins, the other looks at him and says
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Oct 21 2019
I was only going to buy one budgie, but in the end I got two.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Sep 06 2020
Two ninjas are sneaking up on their target when one of the ninjas asks the other: "do you think you can hit him from here?" and the ninja says:
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 18 2020
There were two friends and one of them wanted to open up a gelato shop.
When the friend finally got the location to run the shop he tried to get some experienced and dedicated employees. However, he soon realized that all the good employees for a gelato shop were already working at some nearby locations. So he had to deal with some mediocre people who didnβt care that much about gelatos. Then a day before the opening of the shop the person who was supposed to provide the materials for the gelatos called in as sick. Finally there were also some teenagers who decided to steal some of the decorations.
When the friend told this story the other friend then said,
#βMan, you have gelat of problems.β
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 16 2020
I once saw two men quarreling because both claimed that his family name is Fuck and the other is lying. After seeing their IDs, I found out that only one man was telling the truth, the one with the first name What.
π︎ 30
π
︎ Aug 02 2020
There are only two sexes and one gender
π︎ 2
π
︎ Sep 25 2020
Two cowboys are lost in the desert when one sees a tree draped in bacon. He yells βitβs a bacon treeβ then runs to it and is shot up with bullets
It wasnβt a bacon tree it was a Ham Bush
π︎ 21
π
︎ Sep 22 2020
Two flies playing football on saucer. One says to the other.....
I am playing in the cup tommorow.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 08 2020
Two monkeys are sat in the bath. One says "oooh oooh aah aah"
The other says "well put some more cold in then"
π︎ 9
π
︎ Sep 23 2020
these two wind turbines were standing in the field talking. one says to the other, "what kind of music do you like?" the reply...
π︎ 16
π
︎ Mar 10 2021
Two wind turbines are standing in a field and one asks the other βwhat kind of music do you like?β
The other replies βWell, Iβm a big metal fan.β
π︎ 10
π
︎ Feb 12 2021
Two wind turbines stood in a field one wind turbine asks the other wind turbine "What type of music do you like?" The other wind turbine replies..
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 28 2020
Two goldfish are in a tank. One fish turns to the other and says
How the heck do we drive this thing?
π︎ 174
π
︎ Aug 26 2020
Did you guys hear the one about the two peanuts walking down the street?
One of them was a salted.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 31 2020
My wife showed me two quilts, and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, βI refuse to make blanket statements.β
π︎ 10
π
︎ Sep 25 2020
Two chinese Christians are having a contest to see who can contact God the fastest. After one wins, the other looks at him and says
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 22 2020
Two cats had a race across a river. Their names were "One Two Three" and "Un Deux Trois". Which one came first?
"One Two Three" did cos "Un Deux Trois" cat sank.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 12 2020
Two books meet up in a Library. One says, ' You don't look too well ' and the other replies..
.. just had my Appendix removed.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Sep 05 2020
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