Did you hear about the thief on the run for stealing laundry detergent?
β¦heβs wanted for his ill-begotten Gain
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︎ May 28 2021
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage
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︎ May 24 2021
A baseball player was shopping at the dairy while in a bad mood. He'd played in a home run derby yesterday; though he got more runs than anyone else, another player was awarded the trophy. While in line at the register, the lady in front of him was short on cash. He decided to do a good deed, so...
The bitter, better-batter bought her butter!
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︎ May 29 2021
I hope that the universe keeps on expanding forever so all the heat runs out some day. It means that eventually things are gonna be 0 K
π︎ 9
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︎ Apr 08 2021
Two brokers met on the sidewalk. "How's it going?" Said the one. "I'm fine," replied the other. "Well, gotta run," said the one. "Okay," said the other, "I'll see ya later." "All right. Bye."
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︎ Apr 07 2021
25 emails between me (film producer) and Jason (my props master) over the course of making my film RUN (on Hulu now!)
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︎ Dec 09 2020
Three women were on the run from the law (A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead).
Their car breaks down next to a corn field and they decide to run through it as the law is quickly approaching. They stumble upon a barn. Inside they find three burlap sacks and one of them suggests they should each hide inside one. Shortly after, the sherriff and his deputies arrive at the barn. They notice the three sacks.
The sheriff kicks the first one containing the brunette and she says "Meow, meow."
"Oh it's just a sack of kittens." One of the deputies says.
The sherriff kicks the sack where the redhead is hiding and she says "woof, woof."
"That's just a sack of puppies" they say.
The sherriff kicks the third sack with the blonde inside and she exclaims "Potato, potato."
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︎ Dec 10 2020
On the eve of a record breaking cold winter night, a wife notices her husband run to the backyard with a bucket in his hand.
She grabs a cup of hot cocoa and watches through the window as he fills the bucket up with water and races from the back of the house all the way out to the front yard and out of sight. She bundles up and goes outside to get a closer look and sees that heβs cleared the snow from the sidewalk. She watches as he takes his bucket of water and pours it out on the cold concrete. Sheβs puzzled for a second and then says:
Icy, what you did there.
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︎ Nov 20 2020
What do you call a little person psychic on the run from the cops?
π︎ 7
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︎ Dec 10 2020
Did you hear about the Tesla on auto-pilot that tried to run over a cop?
It was charged with battery
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︎ Nov 17 2020
A guy runs into a bar and goes on a trip to the hospital.
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︎ Aug 25 2020
Two psychics run into each other on the street.
One says to the other βyouβre doing fine but how am I?β
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︎ May 24 2020
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
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︎ Apr 26 2020
Every morning on my way to work, the same bike comes and tries to run me over.
π︎ 70
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︎ Jan 21 2020
What do you call a short fortune teller whoβs on the run?
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︎ Feb 23 2020
My dad asked me to turn on the water heater. To which I replied βItβs onβ. Only to see my dad run across the kitchen yelling βItβs on okay bring it no holding back!β
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︎ Oct 25 2019
If Michelle Obama were to run for president in 2020 on the campaign promise of legalizing marijuana, what would her campaign slogan be?
When they go low, we get high.
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︎ May 09 2019
My friend used to take care of the lawn on a rich man's estate but now runs a coffee wholesale store...
He calls it The Groundskeeper.
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︎ Nov 28 2019
While he was out, my husband text me 'I think I'll run through the car wash on my way home.'
I replied: 'Probably better to drive the car through.'
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︎ Oct 12 2018
My German IT guy won't let me run the Microsoft Disk Operating System on my computer.
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︎ Oct 19 2018
What do you call a nun on the run?
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︎ Jun 23 2018
I just had a pun about electricians stripping to make ends meet. I run a pun hashtag on my Facebook. Here are the rest.
imgur.com/gallery/dkYzW
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︎ Mar 06 2017
People donβt approve when I run up to them on the street and try making a plaster cast of their faces.
At least thatβs the impression that I get.
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︎ Apr 08 2019
What animal on the Savannah runs everywhere hastily, i.e. it doesn't walk?
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︎ Mar 09 2019
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︎ Jul 25 2018
The alarm is sounded at the batcave. Batman runs to the batmobile but it won't turn on. He tells robin to grab a new battery.
Robin says: What's a tery?
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︎ Dec 09 2018
What do you call a painter on the run?
π︎ 6
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︎ Oct 24 2018
Why did everyone at the music festival run towards the stage, even when it was on fire?
Because the music was so lit
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︎ Feb 02 2019
A man sees a celebrity he admires on the street and runs over to him...
A man sees a celebrity he admires on the street and runs over to him but doesnβt take the hint that the celebrity wants to be alone and is irritable. After about 10 minutes of following him and shouting at him the man yells, βI love this guy, heβs the shit!β The celebrity finally has enough and punches the man in the face...
And thatβs when the shit hit the fan
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︎ Mar 28 2018
WhatsApp keeps crashing on my phone and wonβt run properly, so Iβve downloaded something called βThe Bugs Bunnyβ to fix itβ¦
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︎ Apr 19 2017
Did you hear about the farmer charged with beastiality? He's on the run.
You could say he's on the lamb.
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︎ Mar 23 2016
You know how when you put your ear on a hard surface, everything is super loud? Whenever I do it, i immediately need to run to the toilet.
Seems like i have a really bad case of earontable bowel syndrome
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︎ Jul 21 2017
Did you hear about the midget fortune teller who is on the run from the police?
He's a small medium at large.
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︎ Jan 02 2017
I dropped this one on the wife after getting back from a run about an hour ago. She groaned a bit, then laughed.
So I just got back from a run, and must have eaten something earlier, because as soon as I came inside, I ripped a really loud, nasty fart. I jokingly blamed it on her, and she laughed a bit until she smelled it. As she was busy plugging her nose I lay this on her.
Me: Well you know what they say, the one that smelt it is the one that dealt it.
Her: That's not funny, I know it was you, that saying doesn't make any sense right now.
Me: I think it makes a lot of scents. Wah-waaah..
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︎ Jun 24 2014
Dad-Jokes run in the family, my sister dropped this one on me today
I was driving my younger sister to one of her youth group meetings earlier today and I talked about how I had first seen a funeral procession that morning on the day to school. I started asking several rhetorical questions such as:
But now here comes the gold...
"It was a long procession...I'm sure (s)he was loved." Turns toward her "Do you know what the stages of grief are? It's weird how we say the human experience is unique for everyone, but almost everyone mourns in the same way. Do you know what happens after the mourning?"
I sat there in awe after having quivered before the dad-joke incarnate in front of me when I hear in response:
"Why of course, the afternoon silly!"
Edit: I accidentally a format
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︎ Feb 19 2014
I posted the 20th one on the list on here last year. Redditors must run LifeBuzz.
http://www.lifebuzz.com/funny-texts/
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︎ Apr 24 2014
What did you call a midget psychic on the run from the law?
π︎ 19
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︎ Sep 22 2020
What do you call a psychic midget on the run from the police?
π︎ 34
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︎ Aug 22 2018
What do you call a midget psychic on the run?
π︎ 3
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︎ May 16 2019
What do you call a dwarf psychic on the run from the law
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︎ Aug 18 2018
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