A burglar broke into my house and I pushed my bookcase on top of him.
A bunch of guys decided to build a cocktail lounge on top of Pike’s Peak.
It didn’t do as well as hoped. Maybe they set the bar too high.
What has a bottom on the top ?
As we were at the top of the Eiffel Tower watching a beautiful sunset, I got down on one knee and said, “Honey?”
She gasped audibly and said, “Yeah?”
I said, “Help! My knee is made of magnets!”
I am a proud dad today - my son ask me what this Indian bread on top of the fridge is for
I told him it’s Naan of his business
Edit: he could have replied “papa dumb”
Sad to report the death of the founder of Dulux paint. He died this morning from hypothermia on top of a mountain.
It's been reported he could have done with another coat.
Why was the farmer afraid to rescue the cow from on top of the barn?
The steaks were too high.
The other day I was on the dock talking to two of my neighbors… One of them had a cooler full of beers and snacks… Pulling out a beer pops the top and opening a bag of chips, he says “My wife’s an angel
I said, “you’re lucky – mine is still alive…”
Whats green has 6 legs and if it fell out of a tree on top of you it would kill you.
When I dropped my top-of-the-line Microsoft laptop on the asphalt, I figured it was ruined
Turns out I had barely scratched the Surface.
There is always something going wrong on the top floor of my house.
Id say its a problem-attic
I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
I bet a butcher $20 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf...
He said "Sorry man. The steaks are too high."
I pack a soda in my bag everyday but it HAS to be on top.
Wouldn’t want it to get flat.
A boy loves eating his bread with lemon squirted on top
One day, his dad comes across him eating like this and says, "That do be sourdough"
What do you call a chicken who sits on top of a building?
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
On top of everything else going on this year, I just got ketchup in my eye.
Now I have 2020 Heinzsight.
Why can’t the number 5 perform sexually when number 1 is on top?
My friends and I tried to bypass the quarantine laws by dressing up as crows and hanging out together on top of a telephone wire
Unfortunately, someone called the police on us and we got arrested for attempted murder.
I woke up on top of my house this morning, and the last thing I remember was going to the bar...
I’m afraid someone roofied me
So we've been challenged by Little Mart, Forster, NSW to a board off. Who will come out on top?
I saw a guy drink a bottle of brandy, then fill it to the top with water and screw the lid back on.
He approached a wild ox. The ox looked at him.
The guy said, "Hello, there, wild ox. Would you like to buy this bottle of brandy from me? £50, that is all."
The wild ox mulled it over, before pulling out the money and handing it over to the man.
In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have jumped up and yelled, "It's a con, yak!"
Why did the chicken climb on top of the house?
...because it wanted to be a ROOFster.
The other day I saw a duck standing on top of another duck’s head.
So we've been challenged by Little Mart, Forster, NEW to a board off. Who will come out on top?
There were some people who were playing poker in a slaughterhouse on top of a mountain.
It was a high-steaks game.
What do you call a woman on top of a house?
I spent $2000 on a top-of-the-line DSLR camera to take a picture of a beautiful wheat field at sunset...
I was carrying a bowl of chili from the kitchen and my dog ran in and caused me to drop the entire bowl on top of him, covering him in chili.
My phone was showing "Battery low". So I placed it on top of the cupboard.
It worked. Can't see the notification any more.
How many animals did the king keep on the top of his tower?
Two prisoners are working in the laundry room on the top floor of the jail.
After a couple hours, the guard on duty steps away to use the bathroom.
The one prisoner says: "Quick, this is our chance to escape. We only have a few minutes so have to work together. You rip bedsheets into strips and I'll tie them into a rope, then we can climb down through the window.
The other agrees, "Got it. I sheet, you knot."
I bought a brand-new top-of-the-line string trimmer of a guy on craigslist for only $20
I took a pole today and found out that 100% of people get upset when a tent falls on top of them.
What does the dog on top of the house say?
Two snow men stood on top of a hill...
One says to the other "can you smell carrots?"
Wow I was a wreck last night -- t-shirt under sweat clothes, under two cotton sheets, under a polypropylene comforter, and a quilt on top of that! I could NOT get warm!
I can't imagine how miserable I'd be if I didn't have that can of Pringles in the cupboard....
I recently visited Washington state for the first time. Much to my surprise, it ended up being a warm and sunny day when I arrived! Put on a tank top, threw on some shades, and picked up an iced latte. I took a stroll through the park near the Space Needle and had a wonderful time.
I guess you could say I was sleeveless in Seattle
I just found out people work on top of Burj Khalifa.
I can't believe the heights some people would go to just to earn some money.
I went to the camping supply store and was going to buy a tent but the pegs were on the top shelf...
The stakes were too high.
A man decided to stand on top of a police station
What do you call three cats standing on top of each other, wearing a trench coat, pretending to be human?
reddit.com/r/dadjokes/com…
I bet my butcher he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said he wasn't going to bet with me.
He told me the steaks were too high.
I bet a butcher that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf
He refused, because the steaks were too high.
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